work and life balance through COVID

Since March 25th when we first started working from home, there was a wariness about the unknown. With Melbourne experiencing a second wave, I now feel very anxious. Even grocery shopping for that "once a week out of the house chore" is one I dread as online delivery time slots are booked out. I wear my mask, my daughter wants to wear hers but it's too difficult to get used to. My glasses fogged up, I almost tripped as I couldn't see what I was stepping on and I smiled at another mum but she didn't notice. Yeah tough times and here in Australia we are lucky to have space to take a walk and not come into contact with people. Dalya is growing into a very headstrong child and she too cannot wait for the "nasty virus" to be gone. I have started volunteering at my community toy library as a social media person and posting funny stuff and it isn't easy in this environment. What I have noticed is the humor does help me get through and be grateful. It has become a place where I can actually process motherhood.

Motherhood is a big chunk of Lonely

It's been a massive change for me. Glad I did what I wanted to do with my 40 years because I don't look back and think i wish i had done this or that. I envision what i can do and experience with Dalya. Every day i notice developmental progress- how she touches the textures in books, her glee when she sees the giraffe in a book is the same animal she chews, the cheeky giggle when i say poop? and sniff her bum, the look on her face when I come home from work...working part time has been the best thing for me. That's where Australia has been great. New moms can go back to work and most people give the thumbs up.  I felt like i was disappearing into a an unknown vacuous space and I couldn't even find me. Scary shit. Working has been grounding. Familiarity has sped healing and comprehension.
I am liking being Dalya's mom and friend. She is a good kid, sweet and smart. We are having back and forth babbles which excites me about the future. She crawls towards the library to read books. That said the loneliness is there when you are home with the baby and just the baby to talk to. By the time hubby comes home I am exhausted and nighty night by 9.00 pm. At least we get to watch Babylon 5 or Supernatural each night to unwind. Thank goodness for good television! Thank goodness for yoga and my half hour training once a week. I am grateful.

Hot Seat audition

i did not watch television between 1995- 2012. it was unnecessary. i watched a few popular shows with friends in their homes, Seinfeld on  video back in the day and sometimes did an Avatar marathon on my computer. it was not until Darwin and slow living that got me started on watching television seriously. i developed new habits like answering quizzes with Stu on Saturday mornings and answering more questions on quiz shows after work to wind down. i started liking what i saw on Hot Seat.

people who came on Hot Seat were normal ordinary folks. some walked away not knowing what hit them after just answering what they did not even know. the unpredictability of it thrilled me. each time someone won i cried. i was really happy for them. and this past April after we moved to Melbourne, i decided to apply online.

just a few weeks i received an email saying i was invited to the audition. it was the week of the moon eclipse as well. my heart beat fast for a good three hours. the producers were hilarious. they set the expectations for sure. they said, 'when you walk away from here forget about us; we may call you in two weeks or in two years or never, just never call us.' they said we were chosen out 25,000 people.

cool. 200 some people packed into an auditorium, 30 questions asked Hot Seat style, an hour later we had been separated from the ones who did not get great scores. i was in a group of 40, we had a minute to talk about ourselves in front of the camera and leave. that was it. i watched everyone in the room be funny, sweet, humble, odd and interesting. there was one lady who talked about her pap smear. that was eye opening. there was two people who were going to Everest base camp. i looked it up, they were not in the avalanche thank goodness. there were older folks with really "wow" lives. i waited and waited. there were only two casting directors and me left in the room when i was called. i was still nervous. i had made notes in my paper of story options i could use and i  had to give the paper away (!) because they wanted my score sheet. i wasn't called because i hadn't given them my score sheet :/ i  was in the restroom at the time they gave instructions.

anyway with a light on my face, lens directed at me and two pairs of eyes watching i told them a story of my time at camp. when i gave therapy to troubled kids in a wilderness therapy program. a tiny kid half my size attacked another girl and when i went to restrain her she bit me. and since then when i watch vampire movies i always have something at the back of my mind that whispers 'i will never be bit again!'

the casting director was not expecting that. i  heard a guffaw. and i left. yup that was it. it was the best Melbourne 'human experience' thus far. i put the kookaburras, koalas and red kangaroos into my 'mind blown non-human experience'. Hot Seat audition was mega fun and different. since it was the eclipse i hope i get news in a month or in a year as that is how eclipses work. otherwise i will never forget it either way.

let it go by biking around Albert Park and watching butterflies

biking in a city is daunting so we started small. cruising around the streets of South Melbourne and Albert Park is the best way to spend a sunny spring morning. we started at the Chinese temple on Raglan street, through gorgeous trees and homes of Albert Park and stopped for a coffee at the beach. people were walking with their pups and bubs. i saw a guy in the water and could not believe it. a yummy coffee whilst sitting near at the harbor was divine. we continued towards the quaint shops and cafes in Albert Park. i had a chat with a fellow vintage bike owner whose bike was bright yellow. she loved my pink bike. we connected talking about how tough it is  to get a cute basket for our bikes.

i haven't felt this free in months. work has been intense. we have had guests over in our new loft bed! more pictures of  the loft bed in the next post. with the sun finally out and the butterflies fluttering in our garden i am feeling like Melbourne is ready to be explored. letting go is definitely easier when i bike in the sunshine.

a few hours away from Melbourne

i did my first one day road trip in Victoria! there is quite a bit to explore in this wonderful state. an hour out of Melbourne there is an immediate freedom of space and sky. my friend Liza is off to London to reunite with her partner and bring him back to Australia in the next two years. we went on a day's drive to the dairy world beyond Bendigo. the farms and boundless fields started as soon as we left Melbourne. the drive was great. it rained most of the way but it was still lovely. and Melbourne weather changes every hour. it was sunny skies when we came back by train.

we stopped at Shamrock hotel for a coffee. i loved it. i felt like i had entered a time warp and i had fund myself in the 19th century. apparently Bendigo was a gold mining town and it showed. the statues in every other corner,  the lacy buildings and wide roads did not feel like the usual small town. there was a tiny little tram i saw trundling down a street which i thought was very cute.





then off we went to a dairy farm in Leitchville. i had never been to one before. 200 cows get milked every morning! we had the tastiest tea with that milk... They had one chubby goat called Reid.
he was adorable. he was munching on some grass when we were walking towards him, i called out his name and he looked up! we hung out with him, did some yoga and got ready to head back to Melbourne by train. only a two hour train ride from Bendigo and voila we were back in the city. the Victorian countryside is very soothing. i slept like a baby goat that night.

when looking for a job in Melbourne

moves are not easy. i have moved countries with only two suitcases. it is easier than interstate moves i think. with interstate you can take almost everything you own, when moving countries you selectively eliminate. it all comes down to what you envision your life to be and what is most important to you. the same logic is one i am applying to my job search. a job gives you a glimpse into what your lifestyle will be like. time though it may heal many things, when one is unemployed time gets to your head if you are not careful. here is how i am keeping time away from eating away at my self- esteem.

gardening.

yup gardening has been a savior here in Melbourne. i had a veggie garden on my vision board and we moved into a house that had a veggie garden!  vision boards rock. the cherry tomatoes were going nuts! i made sauces, gave them away to visitors, presented them as casual appertifs. i was loving it. and then i cleaned it all up for winter vegetables- peas, carrots, cauliflower and spinach. two weeks in they have started to peek out. i have been very excited.

yeah it is the best way to cope after 45 rejection emails. plants respond by growing. i have started to propagate succulents slowly, monitoring them everyday. these beings are just amazing. they are my green pets that just keep on giving.  

here i am Melbourne

February 21st at midnight we touched down in Melbourne soil. it is tough to say this but Darwin had a difficult time letting go of us. i was scammed by fake bond cleaners on the second last day in our Darwin home. i ended up cleaning for eight hours and then was saved by another 'real' bond cleaning company hours before handing in our keys to the real estate agent. the scammers sent a very pregnant lady to clean and we turned her away. scam watch and several facebook police pages had massive alerts about this company. research is important in this day and age!

our electricity was not hooked up because the landlords left the main switch on...you may think it is summer in Melbourne but only during the time the sun is out. when that sun goes down the temperature rapidly drops. we camped out at home for a night. romance shomance with little lanterns, it was bloody cold. they hooked us up on Monday thankfully.

with many more dramatic stories up my sleeve but i shall  spare you, we did escape to Wilson's Prom  in the peninsula of Victoria. absolutely breathtaking. i  miss the Territory vista but the Victorian coastline's sun and clouds' dance is different. Stu took his kite along and we had a grand time. the cottage we stayed at was at Walkerville which is a pleasant drive from everywhere in the area. a fluffy-eared koala hung out in our backyard. kookaburras laughed everyday at dusk. the gorgeous rosellas chatted around the seed bowl at tea time. whiskey beach at Wilson's Prom was our favourite. less popular, more secluded and prettier in my opinion. there was a beach called Squeaky beach and the sand did squeak between your toes. i had cramps in my tummy from laughing so hard. i have never seen anything like it.

what i loved about Sydney

i was surprised i liked Sydney as much as i did. i thought it would be uninteresting and all it had was the Sydney Opera House and the Prime Minister's residence. but it had a fabulous mind blowing Taronga Zoo which is where my heart was captured. the animals loved us! we heard tourists complaining that the lions were not out, the leopard seal was asleep, the bears was boring and the chimps were bored. but wherever we went the animals woke up and were proud to be who they were. even the snow leopard that had not been spotted for ages, our cousin said she had never seen him and it was her third visit was awed when he came out. he stretched and strolled for minutes on end. the seal woke up and came to us roaring. the chimps, young and old were banging and swinging throughout the time we were watching. koalas do not move and here they were jumping from tree to tree and posing when they reached the top.

the metro is well organized and spread through the entire city. the ferries reminded me of istanbul except for the bit about bull sharks hanging out at the harbour....the view from the train crossing the Harbour bridge was lovely. the bridges in istanbul are prettier but that's just bias talking...

and the beaches! i had missed beaches that we could swim in! we live by the water in Darwin but swimming is impossible. the beaches here are magnficient, miles of beach...with crocs waiting for poor legs to feast on. in Sydney the water is safe and swimming in saltiness was heaven.  the weather was a breezy mild hot 28 degrees...there is a coastal walk where you watched the ocean turn from turquoise to navy blue to purple.

now we cannot decide if we want Melbourne or Sydney! apparently Sydney has changed quite a bit. the mayor has put in more bike lanes, alleyways have more cafes and the art scene is expanding. we have some serious decision making to do in the weeks ahead. i think i want Sydney. we are off to Melbourne to check it out again mid- Jan to see which city is calling out to us.

another cycle begins in Australia

eclipses bring pushes to start new cycles. this weekend we told our close friends that we were working towards moving to Melbourne. of course we had a barbeque! obviously Stu stayed up till 2 am prepping his beef and Christmas ham, he loves it...it was back to our  the night befores sunrise ceremony flashback. we stayed up till 4 am preparing breakfast for later last year in July.

here in the NT folks like to spend quality time doing absolutely nothing but chat and watch the clouds for hours on end. we started having friends come around at lunch time and the last guests left at 10 pm. like i said the territory scene is a slow one. we watched the rain come in, the sun set and the lightning show in 10 hours, every bit enjoyable. this i thought was yogic...observe and be.

i  am going to miss friends i have made here. almost half of them are leaving as well! such is Darwin, people come and go. those who stay we shall come back to visit and wish we were back. i am going to miss watching the tide come in, the cockatoos fly home to Charles Darwin Park, our peaceful neighbours in the boats out front and the occasional frog, bush rat and python in the terrace. it has been an outback experience for sure.

Lake Bennett diye bir gol

dogum gunumu butun ay boyunca kutlamaya dusunuyorum. Stu tum Subat boyunca kutladi, bende kutlayacagim. neden olmasin? bir kac ay sonra melburn'da is bulursak oraya tasinacagiz ama firsat buldukca etrafimizdaki guzellikleri de gorme cabasindayiz. haftasonu dogum gunumu kutlamak icin Bennett golune gittik. Darwin'den bir saat uzaklikta- kucuk bungalowlar, kamp yapacak yerler, bir de luks evler var. bir is adami kurumus bir nehiri gole cevirmis ve 30 sene icinde kendi habitatini kurmus ve inanilmaz bir kus cenneti olusmus. burda timsah da cok oldugu icin bize timsah yok demelerine ragmen golde yuzmedik. nedeni de, belli olmuyor gercekten. golden 20 km uzakliktaki selalelerde yuzduk, ayni gun timsah gordukleri icin park'i kapatmislar. burasi guzel ve vahsi. tam crocodile dundee havasi var gercekten.

ask for some help

the wet season is about to begin in Darwin...in two months. until then the high humidity makes hot feel hotter and sweat becomes the messenger of the 'build-up'. so bike rides, walks, bird watching for lengthy periods and outings become less frequent. this is where i get restless. and i tend to take on projects that need more than just me to make it happen. recently i wanted our good ole couch to change colour. 

it was white two years ago when i first came to visit Stu. we decided red would be a lovely vibrant colour that would make the room pop. it came out pink. the colour of our love was our luck for the time being. then we figured red could be tried again but alas either everyone in Darwin is dyeing things red or noone is interested in red dye. so we opted for royal blue. it helps to be flexible.

hello purple couch! dark purple. which is pretty cool when the sun rises right on it and it is relaxing after a days worth of rat race work. i asked for help, it was a big job. a few years ago asking for help was not easy or simple for me. we live in a system of favours where people's jobs become asking for a favour to do actually their jobs; people are busy and anything beyond daily life becomes difficult...it's city life. i know how that is. but i have realised that we cannot, especially as women, do everything.

i asked Stu to dye my hair as well. yup! and he is pretty good. i warn two weeks ahead, i prepare the formula, provide gloves, i part my hair while he paints it on. great teamwork and his eagle eyes searches for greys. i cannot do it alone and i have not come across the perfect hairdresser as yet. my next project is to either learn how to cut my own hair or motivate Stu to learn :)

territory wildlife park- bird show

a fabulous show of all kinds of birds coming together- raptors, waders, parrots and an opportunity to get up close and personal with them. i was absolutely mesmerized by their beauty and grace.

the barn owl makes no sound in flight. it has feathers on its feet so when it fles there is no sound of flapping or whooshing. remarkable. it collects sound in its eye disc to process where isounds are coming from. i had no idea who a barn owl really was until now. okay it eats rats but i still thought it was gorgeous...and bloody cute as the aussies would say.

the other bird that captured my heart was the brahminy kite- white chested and the top is brick red- brown. its eyes were alert and it caught anything in the air accurately without a twitch. it did make the strangest sounds. the raptors become very territorial with their space and the owls were hanging out down below which is why he got a little irritated.

my favorite of all time (this time around) was the wedge tail eagle. he is the toughest to tame but it loves to get stroked apparently. he had not seen the ranger that has been with him for seven years, she  must have been on vacation. he actually cuddled with her! i could not believe it when he put his head on her chest, opened his wings and froze for several minutes. it was an unforgettable moment where i felt everything just made sense.

NT day explosions

it was pretty overwhelming yesterday. the only state in Australia that can have fireworks and the only day the Northern Territory explodes into colour and flames is 1st july. the coastlines were full of crowds- families with kids, couples holding hands, folks in front of homes sitting for a night of fire. and it went on all night long started as soon as the sun started setting. it was my first time that i was at a place where the fireworks were literally everywhere. in Pakistan it was pretty much whenever people had a whim and inevitably someone died from it. in the US it was on big days and was very contained. in Turkey it was in specific locations.
the NT beat all that...it was in backyards, frontyards, beaches, streets, parks, rooftops...
i was also taken aback with the names for these explosives- blowjob, bumble bee, evil intent and 666 satan's fury was just a few i could not forget.
and then there were fires. my kundalini awakened and stayed awake for a few hours after this.

the Dalai Lama in Darwin

i miss my own Guru. i miss the overwhelming feeling of love in the presence of enlightened beings. i am grateful that i was able to be in the same room as the Dalai Lama. the familiar wave of pure happiness swept over and into me as soon as he walked on stage. i cried when he was leaving the stage as well. he smiled as he spoke of going beyond the chains of suffering; he wore his red visor to see the crowd better and folded his legs up on the couch...he was having a chat with us you see, with 5000 of us. he sneezed and said 'this will wake up people in the audience'. he giggled and laughed as he spoke of altruism and forgiveness to be the path to being happy and feeling love. i had missed him in Dharamsala and now six years later he was in Darwin.
i felt safe and internally hugged being with him. to identify that feeling means one has felt it before, the challenge is to feel it all the time. and one can cultivate that through yoga or quietness of  mind.

northern territory cockatoos

i started early this weekend. i went to get my lymphatic system drained at a physiotherapist, biking against the breeze in an 8kg bike was not easy. Stu waited at the Cav having a cup of coffee while i was getting cupped across the street. the session made me pretty groggy but it all passed when Stu spotted two big cockatoos at dinah boat club. i had seen one at the wildlife course but never in the wild (Darwin is wild). here's a video of them and me having a small chat with them.

biking in darwin

and then again biking in darwin is stimulating as well! i cannot be unfair to beauty here.

melbourne stimulation

melbourne rocks. darwin is beautiful however it is time to face the facts...there is more happening in melbourne than darwin will ever see. i had been culturally starved a little bit i think. there is so much drinking based activities in darwin and not much else except movies. the sunrises, the magnificent views, the birds, the sounds of nature are unparallel to anything i have seen and that shall be missed if we move.

yet i have missed city life. my buddy Shaye and i went to the national galley of victoria, walked the streets of shopping haven, people watched at yummy places, went to a theatrical performance in east brunswick, listened to folky tunes in a random pub and ended up talking to the band's mom....it was great. at the agllery i was hypnotized with the pool of bowls  twirling around each other and creating the most beautiful tones. it felt like i was back in dharamsala and the monks had their singing bowls out. blew me away.

i want to go back now!

Top End Vixen's role in our life

we have had to take care of Vixen for 2 weeks now. another two weeks to go. it hasn't been the easiest since she has had to get used to two strange strangers- one a nutty brit kiwi in the Top End and me the multi-faceted paki-turk- american mutant. first we thought we could win her with pink lady apples and crunchy carrots. that idea lasted a week. then we figured she needed more riding and was very pleased when Sarah rode her. but Vixen continued to be irritable and agitated. even her jealous neighbour Polka would snap at her when she was walked out of the stall. Polka is as her name suggests dotted with black spots and funnily enough has white and blue specks in her eyes.

how does a horse show irritation? she refused to wear her bridle for one. all she wanted was her feed. i am in charge of the feed, it is like my morning oatmeal so i am pretty good at it. or so i would like to think. she would stomp and stomp and stomp until her head was buried in food. 

Vixen had ripped her fly jacket in her moments of boredom i theorize. we got it fixed by a thai lady in town. it was a great feeling putting the jacket on Vixen because she was so sweet and quiet during the entire event that i thought something is changing. or is it?

even Stu said i think this is a turning point. 

that fly jacket has calmed her considerably. amidst the peacocks, cockatoos and magpies, the flies probably have driven her up the wall. no fan or long tail to whack did it, the ninja fly jacket did.

waking up at 06.00 every morning was tough for the first few days. we pass out like 80 year olds at 10.00 pm from exhaustion. the diehard urban horse babysitters we are....now it is easier. Vixen has not just brought  early rising into our lives, we get to witness more beauty and quiet here in the Top End.

what the Top End animals have taught me

the wildlife course has changed me and made me a better person. more aware than ever before. it was the last wildlife class this week and we were at a VET clinic where animals were treated, rehabilitated and released back to their homes once healed. it was a joy to see the frilly with the broken leg in our first class all good as new and ready to get out there and run again. we saw a juvenile kite and a young kookaburra. there was a sad tree snake that was severely dehyrdated and was put in water to get back to health. we saw wrak  the cockatoo greeting us as we walked in! all the wildlife have so much to contribute to our lives and their place is not in captivity, it's in the skies, on the ground, swimming and wading in waters. i have been lucky in being able to connect with them and get to know them better. it has made me love my life even more.

top end birds and reptiles

a cockatoo called Wrak came to visit us in class. she was gorgeous. curious too! it would waddle around the desks looking at everyone sideways, grab onto the side of the table, twist its head around and around, have a moment to preen a wing now and then, jump on the floor and nibble some feet...she was a cutie. i did not know they had air sacs under their skin and if ruptured they would heal themselves. they also have gaps in their skeleton to aid them in flight. i spoke to wrak in their language and it responded. i missed my cockateil, she was with us in Pakistan when i was growing up and lived a good 15 years before she passed.

yesterday it was reptile day. i adore turtles in the reptile familia. skinks too. large lizards i find fascinating. i have always been fearful of snakes but never disgusted or anything like that. i would just stay away if i saw one. they like basking in the sun and once when my group and i saw a black snake on our trail we changed our route and left it alone. touching one is a whole different ballgame though. something has definitely changed in me since i have been living in the Territory. first it made me sad that many people think a snake is best a dead snake, an attitude that needs to change. the reptile handler/ snake catcher had a few bags on the table that would move ominously when someone spoke in class. when brendan the snake catcher took the snakes out and asked us to handle them i could not stop myself. both were pythons, massive creatures. i touched the olive python and shivered. it was soft and smooth. when i held him under his neck and halfway down his length he was soft smooth and strong. unbelievable strength.

once i let the olive python go there was carpet python hanging out on my table checking everything out. he and i looked at each other for a long while. he sniffed me for around 20 minutes with his split tongue, it tickled. he went all over my bag, sniffed my legs, arms, hands, neck, he was one curious fella and did not leave my side until it was time to get bagged. he did not want to go in the bag at all.

i have to say i liked them. they were not venomous, one of them had been rehabilitated from an accident and the other was abandoned by their owner (patterns were not native to the Territory). these guys have a history just like us, they are trying to survive and live with us, and as long as we are respectful of their space we can continue to live in ours. i was hypnotized.

25% of snakes are venomous. okay the top ten posionous snakes are at the top end. yes yes. only 3% of them are truly fatal which comes down to 1.3 deaths per year in the top end. more deaths from smoking, more from shark attacks, more drunk driving deaths. snakes are getting bad rep is what i think!