losing mummy

my life support left this planet three weeks ago. a cancer that ripped her up and she couldn't find help quick enough because of the COVID chaos in Turkey. it is an abyss, a vacuum and a depth of sadness i have never felt in my life. i feel like i am drowning and i have forgotten to breathe. she was someone i spoke to every day at 4.30 pm, evening for me before D's bath time and morning for her when she had her first cup of tea...the other day i panicked that i had no videos of her talking, that i would forever not hear her voice and in time forget it....and then i found two where she is talking to D, for a few seconds. i watched it and was relieved. i would not lose her voice. yesterday i remembered D's educator having taken photos of us dropping her off at daycare two years ago. i asked them if it was still in their iPad. clutching at recent memories. my brother said he realised the word anne has retired from his vocabulary....i feel so egotistical for wanting her alive, she was in unimaginable pain, did not want to worry the kids till her last breath. the afternoon she went home from the hospital and i had not spoken to her for five days, i connected with her through reiki as i lay in bed. i said through my screams that she had been an amazing mother, a best friend, a wonderful grandmother and that i would miss her to eternity but this was not the life she deserved, that suffering until death was no life at all and if she needed to go she needed to go and not look back because we were now the people that she had envisioned us to be. and 14 hours later as a new day dawned in Turkey her heart beat its last beat. my head rattles and shakes in disbelief. the strong quiet soul who walked tall and proud and yet humble and kind who brought me here cannot be gone.

 

ask for some help

the wet season is about to begin in Darwin...in two months. until then the high humidity makes hot feel hotter and sweat becomes the messenger of the 'build-up'. so bike rides, walks, bird watching for lengthy periods and outings become less frequent. this is where i get restless. and i tend to take on projects that need more than just me to make it happen. recently i wanted our good ole couch to change colour. 

it was white two years ago when i first came to visit Stu. we decided red would be a lovely vibrant colour that would make the room pop. it came out pink. the colour of our love was our luck for the time being. then we figured red could be tried again but alas either everyone in Darwin is dyeing things red or noone is interested in red dye. so we opted for royal blue. it helps to be flexible.

hello purple couch! dark purple. which is pretty cool when the sun rises right on it and it is relaxing after a days worth of rat race work. i asked for help, it was a big job. a few years ago asking for help was not easy or simple for me. we live in a system of favours where people's jobs become asking for a favour to do actually their jobs; people are busy and anything beyond daily life becomes difficult...it's city life. i know how that is. but i have realised that we cannot, especially as women, do everything.

i asked Stu to dye my hair as well. yup! and he is pretty good. i warn two weeks ahead, i prepare the formula, provide gloves, i part my hair while he paints it on. great teamwork and his eagle eyes searches for greys. i cannot do it alone and i have not come across the perfect hairdresser as yet. my next project is to either learn how to cut my own hair or motivate Stu to learn :)

Top End Vixen's role in our life

we have had to take care of Vixen for 2 weeks now. another two weeks to go. it hasn't been the easiest since she has had to get used to two strange strangers- one a nutty brit kiwi in the Top End and me the multi-faceted paki-turk- american mutant. first we thought we could win her with pink lady apples and crunchy carrots. that idea lasted a week. then we figured she needed more riding and was very pleased when Sarah rode her. but Vixen continued to be irritable and agitated. even her jealous neighbour Polka would snap at her when she was walked out of the stall. Polka is as her name suggests dotted with black spots and funnily enough has white and blue specks in her eyes.

how does a horse show irritation? she refused to wear her bridle for one. all she wanted was her feed. i am in charge of the feed, it is like my morning oatmeal so i am pretty good at it. or so i would like to think. she would stomp and stomp and stomp until her head was buried in food. 

Vixen had ripped her fly jacket in her moments of boredom i theorize. we got it fixed by a thai lady in town. it was a great feeling putting the jacket on Vixen because she was so sweet and quiet during the entire event that i thought something is changing. or is it?

even Stu said i think this is a turning point. 

that fly jacket has calmed her considerably. amidst the peacocks, cockatoos and magpies, the flies probably have driven her up the wall. no fan or long tail to whack did it, the ninja fly jacket did.

waking up at 06.00 every morning was tough for the first few days. we pass out like 80 year olds at 10.00 pm from exhaustion. the diehard urban horse babysitters we are....now it is easier. Vixen has not just brought  early rising into our lives, we get to witness more beauty and quiet here in the Top End.

shaye

shaye has made my life in Darwin special. friends are not easy to make after your 30s... it's true! when you get going in your 30s you find yourself calling friends you have had for a while, potentially new ones come along and it takes work to build those friendships. that too if you have the time and motivation to put work into it. with shaye it was smooth and steady. she is stu's buddy and she was the first friend he had me meet when i came to Darwin last year. a year later here i was jumping into aussie footy, speedwalking along the coast, and watching us pump each other to stay motivated and to stay in the moment. she even tried to have me do community work but her work said no because of insurance issues. she is giving, thoughtful and puts others first which is a level of awareness that is hard to see in this day and age. we went to a psychic expo this past weekend. where else would a psychic expo be but in a travelodge in Darwin... we watched the solar eclipse, granted behind trees, through our phones while others had brought their welding helmets (!) and we have waded in secure lukewarm sea water with loud German teen boys. she also understands that me communicating with the fruit bats near her apartment is a lovely quality to have :P a friend who does not judge is a friend indeed.

she took a leap of faith and went to burning man this year, all in the name of change. i cannot stop but admire friends of mine who make a decision to change their lives and go ahead and do it. she is off to Melbourne next year and i am going to miss her dearly.

connection for life

getting married and embracing the committment to grow together is a sacred vow. we make that vow with our closest friends and it is a default committment with our family members. we shared our vows at sunrise on Casuarina beach in Darwin Australia on 28th july a few days before the full moon. waking up at 4.30 am was no big deal because one does anything for the person they adore and the view was breathtaking. here is my vow to Stu: you are the person i have been waiting for; you are my best friend; you are my teacher in love and loving; you are my example for integrity; it's time to begin our journey together; i am thrilled to grow together with you; i am surrendering to the flow of love between us and ready to live the path we create together; i love you honey

you are what you read

it's strange that i started reading voraciously after the age of 16. some kids love to read at an early age and some bloom later :) but i agree with John Maxwell when he talks about how reading is essential in our growth if we have a growth plan. who you choose to have in your head and whom you choose to listen to shapes your thoughts which influence your behaviour and translates into the life you want to lead. i love underlining books because it makes it easier to go back and skim it and retrieve what you want to take away with you.

books i am enjoying right now

a new earth by eckhart tolle
thinking for a change by john maxwell
influence: the psychology of persuasion by robert cialdini
hayal avciligi by paul levesque and art mcneil
soul leadership by deepak chopra

my friend who lives 100%

it's Jo. Jo from south africa.

i met her in the spring of this year at a party and after a coffee couldn't get enough. she gave me the courage to believe in many things: spinning, tanning, laughing loud and hard, doing what feels hard to do but necessary to combat boredom and status quo, to keep searching and to keep growing. it was her insight that helped me bring perspective to my own life and helped me channel my thoughts in a direction that would lead me to cool adventures.

for example when we were talking about zeynep's death and i told her it felt like i was walking in a vacuum, she said it may feel like being at the edge of a pool and you want to jump in and have a sudden realisation that she is gone but this whole process is a little like wading in and you don't know you are in the water until you see youself completely in it accepting and waded.

Jo talks fast and you better hold on for a great ride. she loves dr. seuss and she convinced me that i needed to memorize "oh the places you will go". one of my
favorite part is:

Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.

And then things start to happen,
don't worry. Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too.

OH!
THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!

zeynep

dun sisli camii'de zeynep'e elveda dedik hep beraber. inanamiyorum, cok gencti, nasil olur boyle birsey...demek kolay, hatta aklima ilk gelen seyler. ama birini kaybetmek degil de o kisi hayatima en buyuk ne birakti sorusunu kendime hatirlatmaya calisyorum artik.

zeynep kendi ozel hayatini paylasmazdi ama hoslandigi insanlarla vakit gecirmeye severdi. geceleri disari cikmazdi ama biz hazirlanirken ve gozlerimizi boyarken onunki de boyanirdi. haftasonu brunchtan sonra biz dukkan sukkan gezerdik, zeynep eve gidip dinlenirdi. sevmedigi, istemedigi seyleri yapmazdi ama bizim yaptigimiza da tepkisel degildi. grubun dinamigini bozmaz, sessizce cekilir ve herkes devam eder. kendi aliskanliklarina sadikti ve yeni insanlarla tanismak, farkli birsey tatmak, gunun nereye gidecegini bilmeden macera yasamaktan da cekinmiyordu. istedigi sekilde yasadi ve kimseyi incitmeden ve yormadan. butun dunyayi dolasmis, aksam eve gelip onlarla "true blood"i seyrettigim oldu, sukiiii sukiii deyip sacmaladigimizi, youttube'da tarkan'in sarkisini dinlerken dans ettigimizi, en sevdigi puantiyeli esofman ustuyle bize gulerdi.

onu ozlememek mumkun degil. farkli bir zamanda, farkli bir yerde yine bulusmak uzere...

when friends visit

it was lovely to have friends from the States over. i hadn't seen archana for 5 years and jana i had never met but everything clicked into place. i guess living alone has advantages and disadvantages, i realised how lonely it could get because i fed off the wonderful company they gave me. they had a chance to see the wonders and dynamism istanbul offered and the peace that small town selcuk gave them. and it was tough having them leave. very tough. i miss them very much. i also realised how much i missed living in the States. it has never been easy to be split in different directions.

yeni yilin ilk haftalari

super girdim. bombastika. gecen hafta is yerinde gerginlik ve stresli gunler gecirdik ondan biraz yoruldum ama sonucta hersey yolunda. olmamasi icin bir neden yok! soguk ve kasvetli hava biraz daraltiyor ama mevsimler yasanmali, yollarda buz olmasin yeter diyorum. dun aksam cansu'nun kopegi cano ile tanistim. asik oldum. asik olmaya ozlemisim, olmazdim diye dusunuyordum...belki artik insan varliga asik olmak zor ama cano ayri. cok cok ayri. belki de kendime cok benzettigim icin mi bu kadar yakinlik hissettim?

bazi aklimda kalan anlar:
kucagimda cok rahatti (2005'te filan bir insanin kucagindaydim ve rahat bir yerdi, hic yadirgamadim)
yandan optu ve burnumdan (enteresan secenekler, bende sevdigim birinin burnundan operim)
tostunu sicak severmis
cayini soguk iciyor (sicakligi kaybolduktan sonrada soguk cayi icerim)
rahat bir koltukta uyumaktan hoslaniyor (bende)
ne kadar heyecanli olsa bile cok caktirmiyor (ben bunu yapmaya calisyorum, yolum var daha)
komplekssiz

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AgpOGLXVHKk&NR=1
ve son olarak alakasiz olabilir ama keith urban'nin parcasi ile kapatiyorum. bu sarki beni mutlu ediyor bu aralar.

hair mafia

bu sene neye tesekkur etmem gerektigini kendime sormam gerekiyorsa o da hair mafia'daki ahmet'in varligina demem gerekiyor. o bir sac tasarim gurusu. cunku (cok basitce):

ne istedigini dinliyor
genel istediklerini dinledikten sonra profesyonelce kesiyor
muhabbeti tuhaf ve eglenceli
ortam eglenceli ve muzik icini baymiyor
sac yikama bir azap degil (su damlar, sicrar, boynun agririr filan onlar yok)
yaratilan tasarim yuze, saca ve karaktere tam oturan
radikal tasarim yapabilir ama seni okuyabiliyor ve seni zorlamiyor
guven veriyor
harika gozukmeni istiyor, siradan bir insan olmadigin icin siradan bir sac kesimi yapmiyor

eski piyano, siyah masalar, aynalar yuvarlak, eski bir bavuldan cikan fon makinalar, hair mafia televizyonu ama sinekler var ekranda. ortam cezbediyor. hele google yapip websitesine bir goz atildiginda bakiyorsun ahmet bir manifesto yazmis. meditasyon yapar, yurtdisinda yasamis ve sac tasarimi konusunda istanbul'da kendisine ait bir aurasi var.

kotu sacim olmus gecmiste onu anladim.
kesemeyen adama cok gitmisim onu anladim.
hepsi de sagolsun ahmet sayesinde.

nerde kalirsam kalayim

hep kendim olmakla ugrasiyorum
ugras olmamali ama iste oyle oluyor
anlamayan yorumluyor yargiliyor
bende yapiyorum bazen kizinca filan
dinleyecek zamani olmayan dinlemiyor
ama
ama zamanlarina deger verenler yanindalar
degerlerini bilenler deger verdiklerine bir sekilde gosteriyorlar

patronuma tesekkur, tepem atinca korkuyor ama sormaktan cekinmiyor
yani korkmuyor aslinda
arkadaslarima gelince yeni yerleri ya onlarla kesfedecegim
ya da onlarin oldugu yere gidecegim
artik tek basima hayatimi surdurme zamani bitiyor

izole degildim, sadece paylasma hissi cok yogunlasti
nerde kalirsam kalayim

a few snaps from my american story

alan huffman- the pig roast-er
danny the boxer
will the singer and potter
chandelle the yogini
mohd. ali my high school buddy

360° zaman tuneli

once bilet abimle alamamistik. abim 25 senelik fan club uyesi ve biletler satisa cikmadan 3 gun once kendisi alabiliyor. biletix izin vermedi. alamadi. benimde hevesim kacti. oteli, abimin gelisini, birlikte U2'yu seyredecegiz hayallerimiz yikildi. kolay olacaksa gidilir dedim. bunu mucadele haline donusturmeyecegim. biletix'te saha sold out ve tribunlerdeki yerler sacma bir para. ama U2 afislerini izliyorum. bu kadar yakinken gitmemek tuhaf irem dedim. tuhaf. amerika'da kac sefer izledin, kendi memleketine geliyorlar ve istedigin de buydu, turkiye'ye bir gun gelecekler dedin ve iste oldu. sonra konsere 3 gun kala kargoda 2 tane hediye bilet geldi. ellerim filan titredi, gozlerim bugulandi ve dondum.

emineyle gittik. 3 defa tribunlerden seyrettim ve kendimi onlardan kesilmis hissediyordum hep. U2'yu gormeyeli 9 sene olmus, sahada olmak kadar guzel birsey yok. neyse emineyle kanyon'da bulusttuk, eren'le bir sigara ictiler ve dolmusa bindik. zincirlikuyu'dan yenibosna'ya geldik. biraz deodorantsiz bir hava vardi anlican. herkes heryerde, metrobus yollarinda yuruyor herkes filan. biz kactik oralardan manav bize minibus gosterdi, stad'a gider dedi ve bindik.

turkiye'nin en yavas dolmusuydu. dolmuslar federasyonu bence o dolmusu copluge filan atmali. aydinlikken binmistik, hava kararmis ve halen yoldayiz. bebekler, cingeneler, anneler, amcalar, bir kac tane U2cular, bi de U2cu olanlar ama gitmeyenler. bi de sagar sofor. yagmur da yagmaya basladi. eh iyi pozitif taraflarina bakalim...bu karanlik koyde yalniz degiliz en azindan. meydan'dan inip yurursunuz denildi. peki. birakildik. meydan dedikler bir bakal ve bir firinci. isik yok. stad nerde? aha stad 4 km otede, isikli tepesi gorunuyor. durum parlak degil.

emine gofret cikarti onu yedik. dusunelim. bir cift yanimizda, kizcagiz usuyor. kocasi cozum ariyor. taksi yok, iftar vakti, kamyonculara mi otostop yapsak diye dusunuyorum. 15 dakika sonra bunlari dusunurken bir araba yanasti stad nerde sordu. emine demez mi "bizi goturursen hep birlikte buluruz". emine yikiliyor ya. pazarliga bak. bindik vinn bastik ve 6 kisi stad'a gitme eylemine girdik. bir yerlerden ciktik ve girilmez yere gelmis olduk. giremezsiniz denildi, sofor cocuk nasil bunalmis, "bana ne" deyip girdi ve bir kac bin kisi ordan giriyor, araba park yerleri duzgun filan. basin'in girdigi yermis ve bu da sonucta bir girismis. bu arada sadece tek bir giris kullaniliyormus. ne sacma. 80,000 kapasiteli stad ve sadece tek giris kullanilacak. toplanti masasinda nasil kararlar verilyor? "evet 40,000 bilet satilmis arkadaslar, 15% arabayla gelecek, tek bir giris kullanilsin", bu mu deniliyor?

girdik, tas toprak, camur, yagmur serpistiriyor. emineyle sahada yerimizi bulduk. sahne muthis, bir uzay gemisi. baya baya uzay gemisi. snow patrol geldi. gun icinde onlari dinlemistim, cok sevdim. sarkici cocuk nasil sevimli ve guler yuzlu. hemen asik oldum. hemen. kirmizi gomlek, beyaz kravat giymis. yavrum. lubnanli, slovaklar, bir cok yerlerden farkli diller yagiyor. 8000 bilet yurtdisina satilmis. hos. snow patrol bitince U2 heyecani 1 saat daha kaynadi ve sonunda ciktilar.

1997'den beri yasadiklarim gozumun onunden bi gecti ve gecti. her sarki onlarla soyledim, agladim, bagirdim, zipladim, boynum yukari baka baka yoruldu ama durmadim, manyaklar gibi guldum, her sarkida sok oldum bunu da soyluyorlar diye...emine yanima cool cool takiliyor dans ediyor, gecmek isteyenleri birlikte civi gibi durup kimildamiyoruz. arkamda bir tip surekli arkami durtuyordu sonra bagirarak fisildadi "dengem bozulyor tutunuyorum bazen" dedi. arkadasinda erkek arkadasi. ona niye tutunmuyorsun sormak istedim ama konusacak vakit yoktu. U2 ile vakit cok degerli.

son sarkilarinda yavas yavas cikmaya basladik. arkadaslarimizin arabasina gittik bulusttuk, herkes ayni anda konusuyor, sucu soruyor "zulfu cikti mi?" cikti dedik cikti. turkiye'ye selami var dedim icimden. bindik arabaya heyecan yuksek, otopark'tan ciktik ve yola donerken araba bi darbe yedi. kafam tavana filan vurdu, soktayim. ciktik. park gorevlilileri hatali yonlendirmeden dolayi arabayi cukurlu seride yonlendirmis. arabanin on tekerlekleri cukurda. 6 kisi onden tuttu, gaza basildi ve araba cikti. biz usluca bindik ve gittik. neydi o filan oldum. ne oldu biraz once?

hersey o kadar hizli gelisiyordu ki. anlik yasamalar. U2'nun verdigi sersemligi ve zihin bosalmasi sabaha kadar devam etti. sanki eski resimlere bakiyorum da yorum yapiyorum gibi. zaman tuneli gibi.

U2 ile yasamak

10 yasimdaydim. U2 hayatima girdi ve sonrada cikamadi. izin vermedim acikcasi. hayatimdaki donum noktalarinda yanimdalardi. ve ne sansliydim ki bir kac kez konserlerinde onlarla birlikte sarkilarini soyleme firsatim oldu.

1997: pop
2000: elevation
2001: elevation 2. tur
2010: 360°

ilki mezun olacaktim, korku doluydum
ikincisi kos koca kamp dunyasindan farkli bir ise ve sehre tasiniyordum
ucuncusu amerika'yi terk ediyordum

ee simdi? farkli bir bakis acinsina adim attim da daha kelimelerle ifade edemiyorum. zamanla hayatimda degisik bir noktada oldugumu anlayacagim ve anlatacagim.

ve de binlerce insan gibi bu aksam hep birlikte olmak beni o kadar heyecanlandiriyor ki. bunun gibi toplumlari birlestiren U2'ya selamlarimi iletiyorum. turkiyemize hosgeldin U2!

being a woman

it's not easy being a woman, or becoming a woman. what does it take to be one has been on my mind for ages now. there is this underlying flow of consciousness that to be a mother is to be a woman, to be vulnerable is to be a woman. i have been juggling all these concepts for years now and all i can say is that roles exist but it does not define us.

i think i have learned more about how it feels to be a woman in turkey than in any other country probably because i started living here after the age of 26. set aside how women are treated in turkey from the stares on buses to rudeness in cues to how media portrays crying mothers and half naked models; we are living in an age of extremes. a woman with a consciousness of her self- worth to me is a woman. my mother is my role model in this case. she neither denies or accepts the roles that are pressed down upon us in our cultures, she defines her own rules of conduct and behaviour that do not offend or disturb anyone in her area of circumference. her independence is her own to take responsibility for and she compares herself not to others but whether she is living her own standards and the values she calls her own.

she is like spring water, she flows and makes an impression. and nothing stops her from doing anything she wants to do.

kedilerin "basildik" bakisi

bunu burcu gecen gece bogaz'da yururken soyledi. o kadar dogruydu ki! ne bu istanbul'un kedilerin hali. coplukteyken, duvardayken, yolun kenarindayken biz yuruyup gecerken birden kedilerin hepsi (hic biri kasar filan degildi) donup siddetli bir sekilde izliyorlardi. basildik bakisi.

burcu bunu en iyi tarif etmis oldu.

yani burcu'yu anlatmak kolay ama zor da. tanimak icin tanismak gerekiyor. hep enerji doludur, kafasi yaratmaya hedeflenmis ve kitlenmis, zihni acik olan nadir insanlardan ve taklitleri cok basarili. bunun icin zaten keskin zeka gerek. beni taklit edenlerde azdir ha. yapmak icinde iste kisiyi iyi tanimak gerekiyor ya... burcu yaptiginda baya kopmustum.

kisa bir sure icinde bir cok hikayelerimiz oldu. yogada fisildamak olsun, sokagin kenarindaki pizzacida sanat olusumun surecini anlatmasi, hayatimizin hangi yone akiyor teorilerimiz, park'ta bezmek, herkesle dalga gecmek, hepsi burcu'nun gozlerinin isildamasi ve hayati ne kadar cok sevdigini surekli herkesle paylasmasi hayranlikla izledim. dunyayi dolasmis ve istanbul'da iste. tasindigi yerlere kaktusunu goturen, kitaplarini bir raf degil cam kenarina yerlestirmeye seven, sokak kedisini evde ve disarda ozgur bir sekilde yasamasini saglayan, duvarlarina resim cizen bir deli iste.

more family moments

tiny family members

i was thinking if i was this happy, intelligent, funny and transparent when i was this tiny...

shahbaz'in hayatima kattiklari

en sevdigin patronunu kaybettiginde insan neler hisseder onu mayis'in ilk haftasinda hissettim. IFC'den ulke yoneticisi izmir'de araba kazasinda kaybettik. ve kac haftadir aklimda. belki 5 kez filan tokalasmissizdir, bir is partisinde, bir restoranda, kanyon'da dukkanlari gezerken filan. hep ve hep efendi, sakin gulumsemesi, gozlerin icine bakip nasilsin derdi, ve senin kim oldugunu bilirdi. her hafta binlerce insanla tanisan tokalasan insan tanisitiklarini tanirdi.

onun olum haberi tango dersime gitmeden once aldim. eren'in buyuk patronuydu. telefonu kapadim ve agladim. kendi patronuma haber verdim. tangoya gittim ama ne yaptigimi pek hatirlayamiyorum. onun kaybi benim kendi hayatimda kaybedeceklerimi hatirlatti ilk olarak, sonra da var olanlarin kiymetini. sevdiklerine sevdigini soylemek, tesekkurlerini iletmek, ozur dilemeyi unutmamak, hepsi hayatimizda ne kadar onemli oldugunu ve bir insanin degerini yuzbinlerce sekilde iletebilmeyi hatirlatti.