another lockdown another reflection

it feels like lockdowns are going to become a norm because people are not getting vaccinated fast enough. as I try to become an expert in snot for my 4 year old, I reflect on the years past- divorce, settling into a different routine, lockdowns and COVID tests, understanding autism, grieving for mum's passing...it's been a steep learning curve. I shaved my head in memory of my sweet mother, donating my hair to become a mop for ocean spills (go to "sustainable" hair salons!) and a humble amount of money for cancer research. friends and family who supported me through this was a beautiful warm fuzzy feel, a feeling I shall never forget. D keeps saying she misses my hair and my curls. i miss it too. i just know that the next 10 years of my life are going to be nothing like the past 10 years. if there is one thing these past two years has shown me repeatedly is just stay in the present. just be in the present. just be grateful because simple is good. 

losing mummy

my life support left this planet three weeks ago. a cancer that ripped her up and she couldn't find help quick enough because of the COVID chaos in Turkey. it is an abyss, a vacuum and a depth of sadness i have never felt in my life. i feel like i am drowning and i have forgotten to breathe. she was someone i spoke to every day at 4.30 pm, evening for me before D's bath time and morning for her when she had her first cup of tea...the other day i panicked that i had no videos of her talking, that i would forever not hear her voice and in time forget it....and then i found two where she is talking to D, for a few seconds. i watched it and was relieved. i would not lose her voice. yesterday i remembered D's educator having taken photos of us dropping her off at daycare two years ago. i asked them if it was still in their iPad. clutching at recent memories. my brother said he realised the word anne has retired from his vocabulary....i feel so egotistical for wanting her alive, she was in unimaginable pain, did not want to worry the kids till her last breath. the afternoon she went home from the hospital and i had not spoken to her for five days, i connected with her through reiki as i lay in bed. i said through my screams that she had been an amazing mother, a best friend, a wonderful grandmother and that i would miss her to eternity but this was not the life she deserved, that suffering until death was no life at all and if she needed to go she needed to go and not look back because we were now the people that she had envisioned us to be. and 14 hours later as a new day dawned in Turkey her heart beat its last beat. my head rattles and shakes in disbelief. the strong quiet soul who walked tall and proud and yet humble and kind who brought me here cannot be gone.

 

work and life balance through COVID

Since March 25th when we first started working from home, there was a wariness about the unknown. With Melbourne experiencing a second wave, I now feel very anxious. Even grocery shopping for that "once a week out of the house chore" is one I dread as online delivery time slots are booked out. I wear my mask, my daughter wants to wear hers but it's too difficult to get used to. My glasses fogged up, I almost tripped as I couldn't see what I was stepping on and I smiled at another mum but she didn't notice. Yeah tough times and here in Australia we are lucky to have space to take a walk and not come into contact with people. Dalya is growing into a very headstrong child and she too cannot wait for the "nasty virus" to be gone. I have started volunteering at my community toy library as a social media person and posting funny stuff and it isn't easy in this environment. What I have noticed is the humor does help me get through and be grateful. It has become a place where I can actually process motherhood.

Motherhood is a big chunk of Lonely

It's been a massive change for me. Glad I did what I wanted to do with my 40 years because I don't look back and think i wish i had done this or that. I envision what i can do and experience with Dalya. Every day i notice developmental progress- how she touches the textures in books, her glee when she sees the giraffe in a book is the same animal she chews, the cheeky giggle when i say poop? and sniff her bum, the look on her face when I come home from work...working part time has been the best thing for me. That's where Australia has been great. New moms can go back to work and most people give the thumbs up.  I felt like i was disappearing into a an unknown vacuous space and I couldn't even find me. Scary shit. Working has been grounding. Familiarity has sped healing and comprehension.
I am liking being Dalya's mom and friend. She is a good kid, sweet and smart. We are having back and forth babbles which excites me about the future. She crawls towards the library to read books. That said the loneliness is there when you are home with the baby and just the baby to talk to. By the time hubby comes home I am exhausted and nighty night by 9.00 pm. At least we get to watch Babylon 5 or Supernatural each night to unwind. Thank goodness for good television! Thank goodness for yoga and my half hour training once a week. I am grateful.

my daughter and i - life one day at a time

dalya was born on the 24th of February. It's been three months of getting to know her and she getting used to us. I cried for four weeks straight; confused, distraught and unsure if I could be a mother and be sane...the placenta capsules, therapy sessions, good friends and an amazing husband pulled me through. Am I out of the woods yet? Don't think so...i go through bouts of doubt, fear and anxiety every day. Her continuous growth both mentally and physically is awesome and wonderful to witness. That is what motivates me to stay in the game and be the best I can be each day.
One day at a time.

being pregnant at 41

it has not been an easy ride believe me. i had a termination earlier this year due to major heart defects in the fetus. it was not genetic, it was luck, racked it up to the innumerable experiences life throws at us. i went to my acupuncturist as usual and he helped me get my regularity back. a  month after my termination i was pregnant again. what i believe helped get me to where i am is a healthy lifestyle, exercising regularly and being grateful.  

at 31 weeks, with only a single digit countdown i look back and know that  the severe constipation, the constant nausea (even now), the sudden redness of eyes, the acne in spots i have never known to see acne, the forgetfulness that leads to awkwardness, the pain of having a baby sleep on your bladder, the aversions to your favorite dishes, the bloat, being anemic and fatigued....it is all physical and temporary. i danced at my office christmas party and the baby moved off my bladder. i take disgusting magnesium powder every morning to  handle constipation. i  have stopped  judging myself for the forgetfulness that boggles my mind as to how words could just be erased from my mental vault. the yoga and fitness keeps my bloat at a very manageable level. i talk to my succulents and garden to discover beauty. laughing with Stu relaxes me and watching the baby move side to side with knees and elbows poking out only triggers gratitude. 

during this time mum was diagnosed with stage one cancer in the esophagus. she felt uncomfortable for two weeks and got it checked out.  she caught it early. major surgery, two weeks in  the hospital, she is able to talk, walk and read in bed. her body awareness and will to keep going are only a few things i intend to teach my daughter. at 41 we are bound to have our elders fall ill and have our friends have much older kids than mine. 

plug on we shall. a woman who lives in harmony with herself and takes care of herself can get pregnant. after 40. i have two friends who were my age who did. we live healthier lives and live longer than our grandparents. it is a different era. 

falling in love with New Zealand all over again

back in 2004 when i travelled the South Island i thought to myself, 'i will be back and maybe one day i will live here.' seven years later i met my kiwi husband in Istanbul and moved to Australia. we decided to visit family in Picton for a long weekend and leaving was tough. the pristine views, the crisp air, uninterrupted landscape and the warm sweet happy people, we thought some day we will live here. the dream was not my own any longer.

we  flew to Christchurch and drove to Picton via Hamner Springs. Christchurch is going through a major transformation and we just had to work around the traffic management which drove google maps nuts. the kiwi humour did not go unnoticed. traffic blocks in the form of sheep made me laugh. Hamner Springs was gorgeous with its foggy hills and tightly knit community. at Picton we took our uncle's sailing boat to the Marlborough Sounds. i said i wanted to see dolphins and no kidding a few minutes later 20 some dolphins showed up puffing through their blowholes. next we see penguins swimming. we had dinner at The Bay of Many Coves and when walking back to the boat met up with a seal swimming under the pier. the wonders were endless. watching the stars and the milky way on the way back was mesmerising.

hello 40!

it has been a full go go go kind of year as i edged towards my 40th. we moved to a slightly bigger house, my job took on more responsibilities, made new friends and managed to take a four week break. it had been two years since our last vacation and Stu’s idea to split it into two was magnificent. we visited family and friends in Turkey for two weeks and ended it with a week in Thailand on Railei beach. Railei beach is divinely serene. for days we watched squirrels jump from palm tree to tree. we woke up to the sound of gibbon monkeys singing their call :)

being a yoga instructor for years and being connected to my body i was surprised about how much time it took for me to relax during our holiday. just allowing my mind to rest, allowing myself to nap whenever I felt like it, allowing myself to float and not feel the self-pressure of ‘tread to burn calories’ kind of self-talk was absolutely liberating. it was week three when my self-talk changed to ‘relax and just be’. i read books like ‘Memoirs of an imaginary friend’, ‘A street cat named Bob’ which made me cry from wonder and ‘Post Office’ a hilarious book by Charles Bukowski. my 40th was quiet with Stu- a Thai dinner on the back deck under gorgeous trees with the sound of waves in the distance.

i think my 40s are going to be a different kind of intensity. it will be about being kind and being truthful to myself. i do both but not enough i think, often i was mixing up the two and my path was getting fuzzy. i was softening truths to hurt less- myself and others, and sometimes it is simpler to just speak the truth and have a good chat. 

expressing love through mail

we received the sweetest christmas card from Stu's nephew a few days ago.  Isaac had designed it himself. i was so  moved upon receiving it that i had a moment of enlightenment. the feeling i had was exactly why i wrote postcards and cards all year. the end of the year postcards that Stu and i wrote was my highlight each time. 

i cannot remember when i first wrote a card and to whom but i reckon it was the mandatory new year's cards that was sent to relatives in Turkey when we were living in Pakistan. i must have been six i think, my earliest memory of cursive concentrated script to grandmother, aunts and uncles was around that time. and we always received something in return. my father grilled us to make sure we had done our part in keeping in touch and wishing everyone well. i lived apart from loved ones back then and i still do. and this was the only efficient way i knew how to send and show my love.

since Stu and i have been together we have produced a postcard every year. it started with our wedding ceremony cards. the fact that we designed them together and the ones that followed were effortless just made me happier. friends who received it in different corners of the world were happy as well i am sure..

there are days i think that if i were to disappear from the face of the earth right now what would i have impacted? and i always feel sending love through the sky to someone's front door is the best way i know how to say i miss and love them.

Hot Seat audition

i did not watch television between 1995- 2012. it was unnecessary. i watched a few popular shows with friends in their homes, Seinfeld on  video back in the day and sometimes did an Avatar marathon on my computer. it was not until Darwin and slow living that got me started on watching television seriously. i developed new habits like answering quizzes with Stu on Saturday mornings and answering more questions on quiz shows after work to wind down. i started liking what i saw on Hot Seat.

people who came on Hot Seat were normal ordinary folks. some walked away not knowing what hit them after just answering what they did not even know. the unpredictability of it thrilled me. each time someone won i cried. i was really happy for them. and this past April after we moved to Melbourne, i decided to apply online.

just a few weeks i received an email saying i was invited to the audition. it was the week of the moon eclipse as well. my heart beat fast for a good three hours. the producers were hilarious. they set the expectations for sure. they said, 'when you walk away from here forget about us; we may call you in two weeks or in two years or never, just never call us.' they said we were chosen out 25,000 people.

cool. 200 some people packed into an auditorium, 30 questions asked Hot Seat style, an hour later we had been separated from the ones who did not get great scores. i was in a group of 40, we had a minute to talk about ourselves in front of the camera and leave. that was it. i watched everyone in the room be funny, sweet, humble, odd and interesting. there was one lady who talked about her pap smear. that was eye opening. there was two people who were going to Everest base camp. i looked it up, they were not in the avalanche thank goodness. there were older folks with really "wow" lives. i waited and waited. there were only two casting directors and me left in the room when i was called. i was still nervous. i had made notes in my paper of story options i could use and i  had to give the paper away (!) because they wanted my score sheet. i wasn't called because i hadn't given them my score sheet :/ i  was in the restroom at the time they gave instructions.

anyway with a light on my face, lens directed at me and two pairs of eyes watching i told them a story of my time at camp. when i gave therapy to troubled kids in a wilderness therapy program. a tiny kid half my size attacked another girl and when i went to restrain her she bit me. and since then when i watch vampire movies i always have something at the back of my mind that whispers 'i will never be bit again!'

the casting director was not expecting that. i  heard a guffaw. and i left. yup that was it. it was the best Melbourne 'human experience' thus far. i put the kookaburras, koalas and red kangaroos into my 'mind blown non-human experience'. Hot Seat audition was mega fun and different. since it was the eclipse i hope i get news in a month or in a year as that is how eclipses work. otherwise i will never forget it either way.

let it go by biking around Albert Park and watching butterflies

biking in a city is daunting so we started small. cruising around the streets of South Melbourne and Albert Park is the best way to spend a sunny spring morning. we started at the Chinese temple on Raglan street, through gorgeous trees and homes of Albert Park and stopped for a coffee at the beach. people were walking with their pups and bubs. i saw a guy in the water and could not believe it. a yummy coffee whilst sitting near at the harbor was divine. we continued towards the quaint shops and cafes in Albert Park. i had a chat with a fellow vintage bike owner whose bike was bright yellow. she loved my pink bike. we connected talking about how tough it is  to get a cute basket for our bikes.

i haven't felt this free in months. work has been intense. we have had guests over in our new loft bed! more pictures of  the loft bed in the next post. with the sun finally out and the butterflies fluttering in our garden i am feeling like Melbourne is ready to be explored. letting go is definitely easier when i bike in the sunshine.

a few hours away from Melbourne

i did my first one day road trip in Victoria! there is quite a bit to explore in this wonderful state. an hour out of Melbourne there is an immediate freedom of space and sky. my friend Liza is off to London to reunite with her partner and bring him back to Australia in the next two years. we went on a day's drive to the dairy world beyond Bendigo. the farms and boundless fields started as soon as we left Melbourne. the drive was great. it rained most of the way but it was still lovely. and Melbourne weather changes every hour. it was sunny skies when we came back by train.

we stopped at Shamrock hotel for a coffee. i loved it. i felt like i had entered a time warp and i had fund myself in the 19th century. apparently Bendigo was a gold mining town and it showed. the statues in every other corner,  the lacy buildings and wide roads did not feel like the usual small town. there was a tiny little tram i saw trundling down a street which i thought was very cute.





then off we went to a dairy farm in Leitchville. i had never been to one before. 200 cows get milked every morning! we had the tastiest tea with that milk... They had one chubby goat called Reid.
he was adorable. he was munching on some grass when we were walking towards him, i called out his name and he looked up! we hung out with him, did some yoga and got ready to head back to Melbourne by train. only a two hour train ride from Bendigo and voila we were back in the city. the Victorian countryside is very soothing. i slept like a baby goat that night.

my purpose in life

i send my job applications before lunch everyday, it is the time i am most alert. i get rejections before end of business day from places i applied to in the previous weeks. i go out to my veggie garden to check on progress of my peas, spinach and cauliflower plants. looking good! the carrots have been slow to peek out. my succulents have been happy. there is new growth in parts that i thought were dead. i saw these child pods and i was thrilled!

small victories. and yet the part where i see no movement in my bank account absolutely wrecks me. i pondered over that. this is what i did.

i called a few hospitals to see if they were interested in having a yoga instructor volunteer in their recovery wards. they were not. next day i went for a short run and noticed there was an aged care facility one street away from mine and i walked in there. a week later i had become a yoga volunteer. i was finally at a place where i could contribute. i was nervous. i had given classes to younger patients but not as old as 90. they all look fabulous and cute- the ladies had their lipstick on and  the men were looking smart.

the class made me sweat. we did the bee breath which they loved. they giggled. we did stretches and asanas on our armchairs. we did mudras. there were couple of rebels at the back yelling how stupid all this was but you know what? by the end of class the Oms we chanted had calmed everyone. there was a sweet stillness in that lounge.

that was the moment i knew that i was fine. good intentions are powerful and whatever purpose one walks with is the meaning we aimlessly search for. the key is to not drown in human emotion but to stick to the purpose. there are mornings i feel helpless and hopeless. i feel that emotion completely until i cannot breathe and then with one internal voice i will my thoughts to my purpose. it brings me back to living. it brings me back to talking to my plants. it pushes me forward to find my path in this new city.

when looking for a job in Melbourne

moves are not easy. i have moved countries with only two suitcases. it is easier than interstate moves i think. with interstate you can take almost everything you own, when moving countries you selectively eliminate. it all comes down to what you envision your life to be and what is most important to you. the same logic is one i am applying to my job search. a job gives you a glimpse into what your lifestyle will be like. time though it may heal many things, when one is unemployed time gets to your head if you are not careful. here is how i am keeping time away from eating away at my self- esteem.

gardening.

yup gardening has been a savior here in Melbourne. i had a veggie garden on my vision board and we moved into a house that had a veggie garden!  vision boards rock. the cherry tomatoes were going nuts! i made sauces, gave them away to visitors, presented them as casual appertifs. i was loving it. and then i cleaned it all up for winter vegetables- peas, carrots, cauliflower and spinach. two weeks in they have started to peek out. i have been very excited.

yeah it is the best way to cope after 45 rejection emails. plants respond by growing. i have started to propagate succulents slowly, monitoring them everyday. these beings are just amazing. they are my green pets that just keep on giving.  

here i am Melbourne

February 21st at midnight we touched down in Melbourne soil. it is tough to say this but Darwin had a difficult time letting go of us. i was scammed by fake bond cleaners on the second last day in our Darwin home. i ended up cleaning for eight hours and then was saved by another 'real' bond cleaning company hours before handing in our keys to the real estate agent. the scammers sent a very pregnant lady to clean and we turned her away. scam watch and several facebook police pages had massive alerts about this company. research is important in this day and age!

our electricity was not hooked up because the landlords left the main switch on...you may think it is summer in Melbourne but only during the time the sun is out. when that sun goes down the temperature rapidly drops. we camped out at home for a night. romance shomance with little lanterns, it was bloody cold. they hooked us up on Monday thankfully.

with many more dramatic stories up my sleeve but i shall  spare you, we did escape to Wilson's Prom  in the peninsula of Victoria. absolutely breathtaking. i  miss the Territory vista but the Victorian coastline's sun and clouds' dance is different. Stu took his kite along and we had a grand time. the cottage we stayed at was at Walkerville which is a pleasant drive from everywhere in the area. a fluffy-eared koala hung out in our backyard. kookaburras laughed everyday at dusk. the gorgeous rosellas chatted around the seed bowl at tea time. whiskey beach at Wilson's Prom was our favourite. less popular, more secluded and prettier in my opinion. there was a beach called Squeaky beach and the sand did squeak between your toes. i had cramps in my tummy from laughing so hard. i have never seen anything like it.

what i loved about Sydney

i was surprised i liked Sydney as much as i did. i thought it would be uninteresting and all it had was the Sydney Opera House and the Prime Minister's residence. but it had a fabulous mind blowing Taronga Zoo which is where my heart was captured. the animals loved us! we heard tourists complaining that the lions were not out, the leopard seal was asleep, the bears was boring and the chimps were bored. but wherever we went the animals woke up and were proud to be who they were. even the snow leopard that had not been spotted for ages, our cousin said she had never seen him and it was her third visit was awed when he came out. he stretched and strolled for minutes on end. the seal woke up and came to us roaring. the chimps, young and old were banging and swinging throughout the time we were watching. koalas do not move and here they were jumping from tree to tree and posing when they reached the top.

the metro is well organized and spread through the entire city. the ferries reminded me of istanbul except for the bit about bull sharks hanging out at the harbour....the view from the train crossing the Harbour bridge was lovely. the bridges in istanbul are prettier but that's just bias talking...

and the beaches! i had missed beaches that we could swim in! we live by the water in Darwin but swimming is impossible. the beaches here are magnficient, miles of beach...with crocs waiting for poor legs to feast on. in Sydney the water is safe and swimming in saltiness was heaven.  the weather was a breezy mild hot 28 degrees...there is a coastal walk where you watched the ocean turn from turquoise to navy blue to purple.

now we cannot decide if we want Melbourne or Sydney! apparently Sydney has changed quite a bit. the mayor has put in more bike lanes, alleyways have more cafes and the art scene is expanding. we have some serious decision making to do in the weeks ahead. i think i want Sydney. we are off to Melbourne to check it out again mid- Jan to see which city is calling out to us.

another cycle begins in Australia

eclipses bring pushes to start new cycles. this weekend we told our close friends that we were working towards moving to Melbourne. of course we had a barbeque! obviously Stu stayed up till 2 am prepping his beef and Christmas ham, he loves it...it was back to our  the night befores sunrise ceremony flashback. we stayed up till 4 am preparing breakfast for later last year in July.

here in the NT folks like to spend quality time doing absolutely nothing but chat and watch the clouds for hours on end. we started having friends come around at lunch time and the last guests left at 10 pm. like i said the territory scene is a slow one. we watched the rain come in, the sun set and the lightning show in 10 hours, every bit enjoyable. this i thought was yogic...observe and be.

i  am going to miss friends i have made here. almost half of them are leaving as well! such is Darwin, people come and go. those who stay we shall come back to visit and wish we were back. i am going to miss watching the tide come in, the cockatoos fly home to Charles Darwin Park, our peaceful neighbours in the boats out front and the occasional frog, bush rat and python in the terrace. it has been an outback experience for sure.

ask for some help

the wet season is about to begin in Darwin...in two months. until then the high humidity makes hot feel hotter and sweat becomes the messenger of the 'build-up'. so bike rides, walks, bird watching for lengthy periods and outings become less frequent. this is where i get restless. and i tend to take on projects that need more than just me to make it happen. recently i wanted our good ole couch to change colour. 

it was white two years ago when i first came to visit Stu. we decided red would be a lovely vibrant colour that would make the room pop. it came out pink. the colour of our love was our luck for the time being. then we figured red could be tried again but alas either everyone in Darwin is dyeing things red or noone is interested in red dye. so we opted for royal blue. it helps to be flexible.

hello purple couch! dark purple. which is pretty cool when the sun rises right on it and it is relaxing after a days worth of rat race work. i asked for help, it was a big job. a few years ago asking for help was not easy or simple for me. we live in a system of favours where people's jobs become asking for a favour to do actually their jobs; people are busy and anything beyond daily life becomes difficult...it's city life. i know how that is. but i have realised that we cannot, especially as women, do everything.

i asked Stu to dye my hair as well. yup! and he is pretty good. i warn two weeks ahead, i prepare the formula, provide gloves, i part my hair while he paints it on. great teamwork and his eagle eyes searches for greys. i cannot do it alone and i have not come across the perfect hairdresser as yet. my next project is to either learn how to cut my own hair or motivate Stu to learn :)

territory wildlife park- bird show

a fabulous show of all kinds of birds coming together- raptors, waders, parrots and an opportunity to get up close and personal with them. i was absolutely mesmerized by their beauty and grace.

the barn owl makes no sound in flight. it has feathers on its feet so when it fles there is no sound of flapping or whooshing. remarkable. it collects sound in its eye disc to process where isounds are coming from. i had no idea who a barn owl really was until now. okay it eats rats but i still thought it was gorgeous...and bloody cute as the aussies would say.

the other bird that captured my heart was the brahminy kite- white chested and the top is brick red- brown. its eyes were alert and it caught anything in the air accurately without a twitch. it did make the strangest sounds. the raptors become very territorial with their space and the owls were hanging out down below which is why he got a little irritated.

my favorite of all time (this time around) was the wedge tail eagle. he is the toughest to tame but it loves to get stroked apparently. he had not seen the ranger that has been with him for seven years, she  must have been on vacation. he actually cuddled with her! i could not believe it when he put his head on her chest, opened his wings and froze for several minutes. it was an unforgettable moment where i felt everything just made sense.

animal vacation in Turkey

Turkey is a country that has a lot going on right now- identity issues, angry minorities that have been suppressed for decades, a democratically elected leader who has gone a little nuts and egomaniacal, a youth that has had enough and want a voice. but let's not go there in this post. with cities in psychological turmoil as ramadan was underway and Taksim Square was a place to have iftar for the conservative politicians, the coastlines were still full of vacationers looking to get some sun. i had missed swimming in the sea. in Darwin you cannot swim with all the crocodiles and massive jellyfish waiting to get you.

there were wild boars in the National Park Davutlar near Selcuk, Izmir. they munch on trash. urban pigs i called them; their babies were very cute.

there were some sweet ducks among which were two black ducklings out in Bozburun near the Datca peninsula. we were there for three days and it was just in time for us to celebrate our one year anniversary. Stu found a place called Luna Bel to have a romantic dinner. we got picked up on a boat, taken to an isolated bay that only yachters can approach  and had a lovely time under the stars. near the dock were these ducks all swimming together continuously, it was hypnotic watching  them.

we went to a place called Olive Farm in Datca. the one mesmerizing thing there were the dragonflies. they were blazing red. blew my mind. i floated in the pool and watched them for minutes. i could not do it longer because i get pruney very quickly.

and of course Turkish cats.