what loss does

loss cannot be replaced. loss has changed me each time. very abstract concepts but loss has only one purpose- to conquer our own weaknesses. it took me years to ease myself concerning my father's death and as i get older loss of loved ones becomes a part of ones life. my uncle for example lost his hair and peace from 3 failed marriages but here is getting married for the 4th time. i don't think he is after replacement of anything, he is in search of happiness and loss has only pushed him further to find what he was after. he never lost faith.

friends of mine have lost parents. and i have appeared cold. i have asked myself a dozen times if i am cold to this particular subject or if i am a cold person. but i am not. there were nights where i imagined people talking about me at my death and i knew some would not even know about my death until a month later when emails went unanswered. as i sat discussing this with myself over a mocha, i realised that maybe just maybe death is not important to me as much as life is. i know there is death, that i hope to not come back as a human being but hopefully as an angel or hopefully a born yogini...that bidding goodbye to loss is a reason to rejoice in their found peace however difficult it maybe to let go...that in the years it takes to heal from loss are the same years that are the most rewarding in terms of character...

it is not easy to recover from loss but one has a choice to just keep going.

james bond hayranligim ve ona diyeceklerim var

hepsi 5 yasimdayken roger moore'u izlerken oldu. mavi gozleri, yandan siritmasi, her yerden sag cikmasi, egzotik yerlerde yuzmesi ve muthis klasla yasamasi...bunu patronumla konusuruz. bazi sabahlari gunumuzu james bond ile acariz. benim MG arabasina hayran oldugumu itiraf etmemle basladi bu konusmalarimiz. universitedeyken bir arkadasim 1970lerin MGsine bindirmisti. icindeyken kendimi ozgur hissettim ve bond-luk duygusunu kesfettim kendimde. istanbul'da etiler'de yururken patronum MG gordu bak senin araban dedi. dun kartaldaki toplantidan donerken bak babanin collectible mercedesleri gordun mu dedi ordaaa dedi. bu sabah sana yakisan araba aslinda alpha romeo spider 1967 dedi sonra kendi hayallerin arabasini google'da buldu. iki tane james bond ruhlu insaniz iste.

yeni james bond'u seviyorum ama raydan cikmis bir hali de var. tuhaf duygusalligi, melankolik takilmalar, sinir patronu...yani ozgur ruhlu, yaramaz, flortoz, uzerinde tabanca tasir ve yakisan bir saat mesela. yeni james kendisini parcaliyor ve kinci terrorist gibi etrafta...yani bildigim james degil. patronuma belki bir bunalim geciriyor dedim. bu kotu bir donem onun icin dedim. james artik iyiles derim. yeter artik bu karanlik takilmalari.

kapici'nin kizi aleyna

aleyna ile olan iliskim cok ozeldir. nasil tanisttik ve nasil bu kadar akici muhabbetimiz gelisti bilemiyorum. galiba asansorun yanindayken annesini bana yoga konusunda soru sormaya israr etmisti. birlikte bir kac nefes calismasi yapmistik.

gecen hafta grip olmustum. oksururken aleyna'nin annesi yaptigi corbayi icememi davet etti. aleyna yaninda. minik 6 yasinda bir insan. onu dinleyen olsa baya konusurdu bence. buzdolabindaki magnetlere bakiyordum corbayi beklerken. aleyna magnetleri anlatiyordu iste kelebek var bocek var filan. bende dedim ama burda melek yok.

bakti bakti vaaar dedi. boyu yetismedigi icin babasina buzdolabindan birsey indirmesini istedi. acim oyleydi ki goremedim. babasi eline verdi ve aleyna dedi bak melek. elinde 2 aylik kuzenin resmi. hira. cok duygulandim.

oturdu. sordum nasil biliyorsun melek oldugunu. ucaar dedi. nasil yani? babasi aliyor onu ve ucuruyor. baska? hep mutlu dedi.

ben aleyna'yi baya seviyorum.

ankara'da patlayan kararlar

karla birlikte temiz hava ama bir de soguk ayaz vardi. ankara'ya her gittigimde istanbul'a yerlestigim icin sevinyorum. suyu gormeye ve her yol ustunde tarihi eser unutulmus ya da restore edilmis farketmez gormus olmak icimi besliyor. ondan da ankara'da 2 gun gecirdikten sonra gecmisimdeki yasanan ve yasadigim her dusundugumde beni uzen seylere veda etmeye karar verdim.

herkes karar vermek durumunda kalir. her kararin arkasinda varmak istendigi nokta vardir. o noktayi gormedigin surece karar karar olmaz. niyetten baslar bir karar. ben coktan beri niyet etmistim. aslinda niyet onemli bir karar asamasi. iste ankara'da o niyetim somutlastti ve karara donustu.

istanbul akista olman gereken bir sehir. o kadar dinamik ki her saat farkli bir durumla karsilasman mumkun. istanbul'da hersey mumkun. ankara'da ise akista olmak icin biraz eylem gerektiriyor, sanki verimli olmak icin daha fazla bir motivasyon gerekiyor. arti ankara tamamen toprak bir yer oldugu icin bence orda koklenmek kolay ve bu gidisimde yerimde duramazsam da zihnim biraz durabildi ve istanbul'un zoraki akisindan uzaklasip uzaktan kendime bakabildim. ara sira bunu yapmakta fayda var bence.

ee kararlar nediiirr? iste orda spesifik olamayacagim ama onemli olan mutlu olma karari ve mutluluk icin sinirlarimi koruma karari. istanbul'a sogolsun ermek nasil olaylardan ogrenip cikmak ve etkilenmemek ise, sinirlarimi korumak etkilenmemek amacli verdigim bir zihin programlanmasi. eski bir kararimin yenilenmesi ve patlamasi sayilir. bende birsey patlamadan olmuyor yani :)

Going into a “Zen situation”

Here’s what I have been upto (my list)

Movers bringing furniture and forgetting some in the truck (the truck left for Ankara and we were left with a room of table corpses- tables without legs)
Our Project manager trying to meet needs (even one where she was asked to bring glue to paste the carpet where the cable box was being installed)
Security setting up system and materials missing
Electricians drilling and cabling
Fax and photocopier getting installed
Cleaners trying to do detailed work
Phones getting hooked up and me getting trained
IT system and Turk Telekom communications (can’t even complete the sentence because it is such a black hole of a subject)
All through this I was translating until I couldn’t form my own sentences

Alain (my boss) says to me “I really want you to go into a Zen situation now”. Is it possible? Was it possible?

Vinyasa Ashtanga Mysore style is the way to Zen in circumstances like these. I can do kapalbhatti for a bit and find myself floating in 5 minutes but this is something else. We do ujjayi breathing for an hour and half through surya namaskar and all the asanas. It’s a crash course into feeling good if one completely surrenders. One definitely needs a foundation of yoga to do it. The heart does not beat any faster, the ujjayi keeps it at optimal level and the white muscles just give way. With 4 classes I can see improvement at different levels. Sivananda holds poses long, does the movements slowly and has sections within its practice. Vinyasa Ashtanga adds a twist by incorporating ujjayi throughout and even though one is in continuous motion it looks like one is watching a movie in slow motion. I love the style.

And I am not giving it up.

hamams in istanbul

it has taken me almost no time at all to become a lover of hamams. it is i believe a tradition of bathing that every human being should at some point in their lives be indulge themselves in. i got aquainted with too late in life but still...it's never too late is it?

ankara's cebeci hamam was my first ever and i went with my aunt's friend. it was a huge deal for them. they took a huge bag full of their bathrobes, hair dryer, creams of all kinds, basically their entire bathroom. you don't have to take all that. i simply learned it was a big deal to go to the hamam. i know way too many people who are scared of going. i don't understand. i think it is the place where one can be reborn.

thankfully my mother used to exfoliate me when i was a kid. i remember. it is not easy to be exfoliated if your skin is not used to it. anyway it was that first hamam experience that won me over. i decided to pursue this love on my own. karacabey hamam in ankara became my place of frequent visits. i had friends who loved it as much as i did and i learned i could read the paper without it getting wet...

when i moved to istanbul besides the obvious priorities like finding a place to live, a job and a grocery store with 0% fat milk, i was actively searching for the perfect hamam- for myself. cemberlitas is on my "pretty good" list and haven't found another to top it. i have been to small ones, really old ones, stinky ones, forgotten ones, rip off ones and i still come back to cemberlitas in sultanahmet.

early in the morning before 0930 is the best time. the entire hamam to yourself. the dome, the marble platform, the mornng light through the small holes in the dome, the clear echo of the copper bowl against the marble and nobody else. the emptiness after being inside for a mere half hour and the peace over you once your bath is done. i don't want to shower after a bath like that. showering is so... incomplete.

and yes the women who exfoliate (called "natir")smell weird. it is like that EVERYWHERE. but that should not stop anyone from going. just do it.

old books

old books, yellowed pages, musty smell. i have been seeking old books and i had no idea i was until scott said the book "being there" that i had bought at a christmas sale for 3 liras was actually the first edition. it was also a library book. today and for the past few days i have been reading "uncle tom's cabin" that i had brought back from pakistan years ago to read again. printed in the early 80s. i was only 6 some years old when i got that book. i ordered online from betterworld books and got old library book versions.

i love it. my library is getting converted into wornout hardback editions. it's becoming exciting for me. and i have only just discovered this.

the other day jon my friend in cambridge texted me saying he found a book from 1893. wow. it's truly amazing when i find different things about myself i hadn't known about before. it could just be istanbul and the air that inspires one to push themselves just a little bit, in whichever direction. i can begin to see my fascination with shoe shiners for example...more about that when i trace its roots.