losing mummy

my life support left this planet three weeks ago. a cancer that ripped her up and she couldn't find help quick enough because of the COVID chaos in Turkey. it is an abyss, a vacuum and a depth of sadness i have never felt in my life. i feel like i am drowning and i have forgotten to breathe. she was someone i spoke to every day at 4.30 pm, evening for me before D's bath time and morning for her when she had her first cup of tea...the other day i panicked that i had no videos of her talking, that i would forever not hear her voice and in time forget it....and then i found two where she is talking to D, for a few seconds. i watched it and was relieved. i would not lose her voice. yesterday i remembered D's educator having taken photos of us dropping her off at daycare two years ago. i asked them if it was still in their iPad. clutching at recent memories. my brother said he realised the word anne has retired from his vocabulary....i feel so egotistical for wanting her alive, she was in unimaginable pain, did not want to worry the kids till her last breath. the afternoon she went home from the hospital and i had not spoken to her for five days, i connected with her through reiki as i lay in bed. i said through my screams that she had been an amazing mother, a best friend, a wonderful grandmother and that i would miss her to eternity but this was not the life she deserved, that suffering until death was no life at all and if she needed to go she needed to go and not look back because we were now the people that she had envisioned us to be. and 14 hours later as a new day dawned in Turkey her heart beat its last beat. my head rattles and shakes in disbelief. the strong quiet soul who walked tall and proud and yet humble and kind who brought me here cannot be gone.

 

work and life balance through COVID

Since March 25th when we first started working from home, there was a wariness about the unknown. With Melbourne experiencing a second wave, I now feel very anxious. Even grocery shopping for that "once a week out of the house chore" is one I dread as online delivery time slots are booked out. I wear my mask, my daughter wants to wear hers but it's too difficult to get used to. My glasses fogged up, I almost tripped as I couldn't see what I was stepping on and I smiled at another mum but she didn't notice. Yeah tough times and here in Australia we are lucky to have space to take a walk and not come into contact with people. Dalya is growing into a very headstrong child and she too cannot wait for the "nasty virus" to be gone. I have started volunteering at my community toy library as a social media person and posting funny stuff and it isn't easy in this environment. What I have noticed is the humor does help me get through and be grateful. It has become a place where I can actually process motherhood.

Motherhood is a big chunk of Lonely

It's been a massive change for me. Glad I did what I wanted to do with my 40 years because I don't look back and think i wish i had done this or that. I envision what i can do and experience with Dalya. Every day i notice developmental progress- how she touches the textures in books, her glee when she sees the giraffe in a book is the same animal she chews, the cheeky giggle when i say poop? and sniff her bum, the look on her face when I come home from work...working part time has been the best thing for me. That's where Australia has been great. New moms can go back to work and most people give the thumbs up.  I felt like i was disappearing into a an unknown vacuous space and I couldn't even find me. Scary shit. Working has been grounding. Familiarity has sped healing and comprehension.
I am liking being Dalya's mom and friend. She is a good kid, sweet and smart. We are having back and forth babbles which excites me about the future. She crawls towards the library to read books. That said the loneliness is there when you are home with the baby and just the baby to talk to. By the time hubby comes home I am exhausted and nighty night by 9.00 pm. At least we get to watch Babylon 5 or Supernatural each night to unwind. Thank goodness for good television! Thank goodness for yoga and my half hour training once a week. I am grateful.

my daughter and i - life one day at a time

dalya was born on the 24th of February. It's been three months of getting to know her and she getting used to us. I cried for four weeks straight; confused, distraught and unsure if I could be a mother and be sane...the placenta capsules, therapy sessions, good friends and an amazing husband pulled me through. Am I out of the woods yet? Don't think so...i go through bouts of doubt, fear and anxiety every day. Her continuous growth both mentally and physically is awesome and wonderful to witness. That is what motivates me to stay in the game and be the best I can be each day.
One day at a time.

being pregnant at 41

it has not been an easy ride believe me. i had a termination earlier this year due to major heart defects in the fetus. it was not genetic, it was luck, racked it up to the innumerable experiences life throws at us. i went to my acupuncturist as usual and he helped me get my regularity back. a  month after my termination i was pregnant again. what i believe helped get me to where i am is a healthy lifestyle, exercising regularly and being grateful.  

at 31 weeks, with only a single digit countdown i look back and know that  the severe constipation, the constant nausea (even now), the sudden redness of eyes, the acne in spots i have never known to see acne, the forgetfulness that leads to awkwardness, the pain of having a baby sleep on your bladder, the aversions to your favorite dishes, the bloat, being anemic and fatigued....it is all physical and temporary. i danced at my office christmas party and the baby moved off my bladder. i take disgusting magnesium powder every morning to  handle constipation. i  have stopped  judging myself for the forgetfulness that boggles my mind as to how words could just be erased from my mental vault. the yoga and fitness keeps my bloat at a very manageable level. i talk to my succulents and garden to discover beauty. laughing with Stu relaxes me and watching the baby move side to side with knees and elbows poking out only triggers gratitude. 

during this time mum was diagnosed with stage one cancer in the esophagus. she felt uncomfortable for two weeks and got it checked out.  she caught it early. major surgery, two weeks in  the hospital, she is able to talk, walk and read in bed. her body awareness and will to keep going are only a few things i intend to teach my daughter. at 41 we are bound to have our elders fall ill and have our friends have much older kids than mine. 

plug on we shall. a woman who lives in harmony with herself and takes care of herself can get pregnant. after 40. i have two friends who were my age who did. we live healthier lives and live longer than our grandparents. it is a different era. 

falling in love with New Zealand all over again

back in 2004 when i travelled the South Island i thought to myself, 'i will be back and maybe one day i will live here.' seven years later i met my kiwi husband in Istanbul and moved to Australia. we decided to visit family in Picton for a long weekend and leaving was tough. the pristine views, the crisp air, uninterrupted landscape and the warm sweet happy people, we thought some day we will live here. the dream was not my own any longer.

we  flew to Christchurch and drove to Picton via Hamner Springs. Christchurch is going through a major transformation and we just had to work around the traffic management which drove google maps nuts. the kiwi humour did not go unnoticed. traffic blocks in the form of sheep made me laugh. Hamner Springs was gorgeous with its foggy hills and tightly knit community. at Picton we took our uncle's sailing boat to the Marlborough Sounds. i said i wanted to see dolphins and no kidding a few minutes later 20 some dolphins showed up puffing through their blowholes. next we see penguins swimming. we had dinner at The Bay of Many Coves and when walking back to the boat met up with a seal swimming under the pier. the wonders were endless. watching the stars and the milky way on the way back was mesmerising.

hello 40!

it has been a full go go go kind of year as i edged towards my 40th. we moved to a slightly bigger house, my job took on more responsibilities, made new friends and managed to take a four week break. it had been two years since our last vacation and Stu’s idea to split it into two was magnificent. we visited family and friends in Turkey for two weeks and ended it with a week in Thailand on Railei beach. Railei beach is divinely serene. for days we watched squirrels jump from palm tree to tree. we woke up to the sound of gibbon monkeys singing their call :)

being a yoga instructor for years and being connected to my body i was surprised about how much time it took for me to relax during our holiday. just allowing my mind to rest, allowing myself to nap whenever I felt like it, allowing myself to float and not feel the self-pressure of ‘tread to burn calories’ kind of self-talk was absolutely liberating. it was week three when my self-talk changed to ‘relax and just be’. i read books like ‘Memoirs of an imaginary friend’, ‘A street cat named Bob’ which made me cry from wonder and ‘Post Office’ a hilarious book by Charles Bukowski. my 40th was quiet with Stu- a Thai dinner on the back deck under gorgeous trees with the sound of waves in the distance.

i think my 40s are going to be a different kind of intensity. it will be about being kind and being truthful to myself. i do both but not enough i think, often i was mixing up the two and my path was getting fuzzy. i was softening truths to hurt less- myself and others, and sometimes it is simpler to just speak the truth and have a good chat.