and the earth shivered

i can feel everything on my bed. on the ground. love it. maybe i was japanese in one of my past lives, or maybe homeless for all i know. but i like sleeping on a thin mat on the ground. something about it helps me unwind quicker, deeper sleep and yet more alert.

i had just meditated. had called my bio- energy therapist to ease me into a calmness. i felt a shiver beneath me. it felt like i was very high somewhere suspended above but connected to something and down below there was something that woke up, felt cold and shivered. i felt it quiver inside of me. and i felt no fear. there was timelessness.

i felt fear when a part of my brain asked "could it be an earthquake?" and that is when i thought "and then what?"

i called a friend, heard the neighbours talk about it outside my door and promptly went back to sleep. the usual dogs did not bark at all.

definitely did not dream of earthquakes.

the week of Firsts

in luxembourg. never had it in my dream list to come...but here i am. je suis la. everyone speaking french (that's a first), a building made of glass (never worked or spent any amount of time in one), meeting a person every single day whom i had only heard of to be only faced with "oh i have heard of you! (being heard of is a tricky statement), where my heels get stuck in odd holes and i have only almost fallen a bazillion times on immaculate floors...

i don't know. everything is first here. i am literally out of my comfort zone for a period of more than 4 hours. the last time i left my comfort zone was for the radio show last month.

can a city be so spick and span, with such sharp corners, have shiny interfaces and yet be so far from cosiness? yes it can. just a friend of mine said one would need some really close friends to want to live in luxembourg. i miss istanbul not because of its familiarity but because of its surprises. i think i crave surprises more now in my life than any other time...i can't decide if that is a good or a bad thing.

star wars, fancy clothes, shoes and bags- where does the spirituality lie?

there is this image everyone has in their heads about people who practice yoga- this person who wears white and loose clothes (preferably one that does not need ironing), really quiet, very flexible (puts their feet behind their head while sitting) and speaks softly. granted these are all qualities that are quite admirable more so because i definitely do not see myself being any of them (and i have tried)but it is an image that is far from being reached in this insanity.

here's the scoop. at the age of 6 or 7 i watched stars wars in karachi, in the days when the movie theatres were not filled with perverts and folks who have nothing better to do with their time but to harrass and ruin the peace of others. i watched star wars then with my big brother on the big screen and even though i can't remember anything substantial there is one thing i do remember and that was darth vader. he creeped me out. i continued to have luke and darth in my life through mad magazines, ocassional re-watch of the sequels and then while cat sitting. i have to admit i like star wars and i am still a yogini. and Yoda is my man. i wanted to name my psychology lab rat Yoda but then named her Eudora. my brother orders pizza as Luke Skywalker. i tell you it is embedded in us.

and shoes. i love shoes. i love shoes that my mother has saved for me to wear, ones that she got MADE. I love bags and whatsmore interesting bags invade my dreams. for example the louis vuitton bag that madonna has on the table next to her as she lengthens her leg to show the awesome shoes she happens to have on her feet. i say wow to those creations. and clothes. i frequent Network just to feel the fabrics. recently found material from my cupboard where tucked away was this embroidered material from pakistan my mother had bought just after i was born and now my aunt is making a dress.

where does this fit in with yoga? i have been thinking about this for a while. and i believe i have come to terms with the contradiction that only i had created...isn't yoga supposed to be free from all earthly desires i USED to say? was having a chat with my vinyasa ashtanga mysore style teacher Saash who said that yoga is not about suffering; its about having a comfortable life; yoga is not about being in the mountains all alone, the trick is to be in your centre amidst 12 million people and let's see if you can really do that!

i am trying.

reading "eat pray love" by Elizabeth Gilbert who says just that. great read. i am relieved to have packaged this issue and finally let it go...phew

topuklu ayakkabi

kiyafet, ayakkabi, sac, taki, hepsi yarattigimiz imajimizin parcasi. hepsi bir arada. hepsi hayat alaninda oynadigimiz bir oyun. patronumla konusuyorduk, nasil bir insan burundugu imajda rahat olmalidir kim olursa olsun. o imaj baskasini da rahatlik veriyorsa ne mutlu ona ama huzursuzluk yaratiyorsa kendisine sormasi gereken sorular var.

ama gercekten topuklu ayakkabilarimi severim. yani stiletto denilen "yuksek" hissetiren ayakkabilarda gercekten kadinsi bir his yayiliyor. annemin pakistan'da yaptirdigi yilan deri topuklu ayakkabilarini saklamasini istedim ve ben giyiyorum. ayakkabi yaptirmak...kendi ayagina gore bir ayakkabi. hos. o kalite yillar sonrasinda da devam ediyor. o ayakkabilarla is gorusmesine gitmistim. annemin dedigine gore kiyafeti bitiren ayakkabidir.

istanbul'un arnavut taslari beni bitiriyor. spor ayakkabilarla ise gidip iste degistiryorum. bir seferinde aksam degistiremedim ve taksim'de topugum bir girdi taslarin arasina ve topuk karakter degistirdi. nasil uzuldum. kirilabilirdi ama duz girip ciktigi icin cizilmisti fena halde. annem sagolsun kucuklugumden beri topuklu ayakkabiyla yurume sanati vardir demisti. 4 yasinda onun topuklu ayakkabilarini denedigimdeki soylenen sozler....

ha o ise girdim bu arada.