it's going to be cliche but seriously we live in an amazing country. put aside the politics because it is not pretty, the countryside, the coast line and the seasons here are awe-inspiring. we kayaked from datca to selimiye, around some islands, totalling around 55 some kms in 3 days. having done an average of 18 kms per day, a background of wilderness camping with kids sent from juvenile justice etc, this trip was still not easy.
i am afraid i have gotten used to urban living and the maintenance that comes with it. buttt i got used to not looking at myself in the mirror after the end of day 1. pretty quick i'd say. i was kinda surprised to see myself in the mirror of the airport when flying back to istanbul.
how lovely to not have to think about myself for a bit. it was great to be physically exhausted for once, the mental exhaustion gets me real cranky. watching falling stars, the swish of the sea during dream sleep beats any day in the city. any day.
it's not easy being a woman, or becoming a woman. what does it take to be one has been on my mind for ages now. there is this underlying flow of consciousness that to be a mother is to be a woman, to be vulnerable is to be a woman. i have been juggling all these concepts for years now and all i can say is that roles exist but it does not define us.
i think i have learned more about how it feels to be a woman in turkey than in any other country probably because i started living here after the age of 26. set aside how women are treated in turkey from the stares on buses to rudeness in cues to how media portrays crying mothers and half naked models; we are living in an age of extremes. a woman with a consciousness of her self- worth to me is a woman. my mother is my role model in this case. she neither denies or accepts the roles that are pressed down upon us in our cultures, she defines her own rules of conduct and behaviour that do not offend or disturb anyone in her area of circumference. her independence is her own to take responsibility for and she compares herself not to others but whether she is living her own standards and the values she calls her own.
she is like spring water, she flows and makes an impression. and nothing stops her from doing anything she wants to do.
i have crises once every 6 months i think. this year i have had 2 in 2 months. last month it was in luxembourg.
i went to tango class yesterday and had an identity crisis somewhere between a gancho and a pivot. i saw myself so clearly. i saw the same mistakes (i had repeated them yet again) and knew not to do but still out of habit did. every step had to be given space to be experienced, every step was the end of one and the beginning of another. what was this rush i asked myself. what was this feeling of running i have living as though time was short and there was not enough of it. i saw myself so clearly and i knew something had to change.
i want to leave...well everything
things make more sense than other days
friends are what keeps me together
chocolate is my jesus
i wish i didn't need anything
my mind is seriously full
i cry for absolutely no obvious reason
i have wondered how people do what everyone calls living
i think about moving yet again
i want to see the light and come back
i don't know much
i need to say "i don't know" simply and with confidence
i want to forget
cooking for someone is fun
a breeze on a hot day (with ice cream) completes the moment
airports just make me sick (but flying doesn't)
showers don't help
bunu burcu gecen gece bogaz'da yururken soyledi. o kadar dogruydu ki! ne bu istanbul'un kedilerin hali. coplukteyken, duvardayken, yolun kenarindayken biz yuruyup gecerken birden kedilerin hepsi (hic biri kasar filan degildi) donup siddetli bir sekilde izliyorlardi. basildik bakisi.
burcu bunu en iyi tarif etmis oldu.
yani burcu'yu anlatmak kolay ama zor da. tanimak icin tanismak gerekiyor. hep enerji doludur, kafasi yaratmaya hedeflenmis ve kitlenmis, zihni acik olan nadir insanlardan ve taklitleri cok basarili. bunun icin zaten keskin zeka gerek. beni taklit edenlerde azdir ha. yapmak icinde iste kisiyi iyi tanimak gerekiyor ya... burcu yaptiginda baya kopmustum.
kisa bir sure icinde bir cok hikayelerimiz oldu. yogada fisildamak olsun, sokagin kenarindaki pizzacida sanat olusumun surecini anlatmasi, hayatimizin hangi yone akiyor teorilerimiz, park'ta bezmek, herkesle dalga gecmek, hepsi burcu'nun gozlerinin isildamasi ve hayati ne kadar cok sevdigini surekli herkesle paylasmasi hayranlikla izledim. dunyayi dolasmis ve istanbul'da iste. tasindigi yerlere kaktusunu goturen, kitaplarini bir raf degil cam kenarina yerlestirmeye seven, sokak kedisini evde ve disarda ozgur bir sekilde yasamasini saglayan, duvarlarina resim cizen bir deli iste.