dogumgunu sonrasi

nasil desem, otuz yaslari gercekten guzel. farkli bir farkindalik var. oldugu gibi yasama arzusu daha agir basiyor, surekli mucadele hali orani dusuyor buluyorum. hos bir dogum gunu haftasi oldu ki bitmedi galiba. daha kahve muhabbet edilecek arkadaslar kaldi ve birlikte olmak icin iyi bir bahane. eren, emel, ayse ve erginle asmali mescit'te yemek yedik (ekim'de doganlar grubu), ismini unuttum simdi ama tiklim tiklim insan ortami degildi, sigara dumanindan gozlerim yanmadi. meze arkasindan goksel'i izledik ve odasinda beklerken deli deli takildik. aklimdaki son karem emel'in ve eren'in plastik kaktusle sarki soylediklerini hatirliyorum.

ertesi gun crystal, scott ve yedi kedileriyle gecirdim. thai yemegi yapmisti ve "european vacation" filmini izledik. eski chevy chase filmi. acayip komik. kedilerle oynamak, gelecek sene neler bekliyor, facebook'ta kim ne yapmis ve neden insanlari takip ediyoruz ki muhabbetinden sonra gece gordugum dans ederken ruyamla yeni dogum yilima merhaba demis oldum.

bahanelerden kacarim ama hediye almak icin bahane uydururum. buyuk haber: kanepe aldim. L seklinde. ve sari. cok dusundum hatta buyuk bir kose donecegimi bilerek tamam dedim. esya kendimizin uzantisi sonucta. beni ifade edecek esya 100% etmeli. salonuma biri gelse 1 dakika icinde irem'in kim oldugunu az cok bilmeli dedim kendime. ve sari L kanepe, yesil perdelerle, kirmizi kitapligimla, ve disarida minik bahcemle sicak ve ferah gozukucegini inandim. patronum bourgeouis oluyorsun galiba dedi, bende kendi yasam stilimi baskalarina empoze etmek istemedigimi soyledim. yerde oturmak benim icin rahat, ama annem dahil 5 dakika sonrasi soylenir.

31 ekim'de geliyor, heyecanliyim. o zamana kadar dogumgunu kutlamam tam bir ay surecegini dusunuyorum.

birthdays

my best ever birthday was when i was 10. everyone i invited came. one of the most important achievements for a 10 year old. and i knew something was up when the numbers lined up, 10th birthday of my life on the 10th day of the 10th month.

and here i am forgetting how old i am. i used to be 25 until i turned 30. and now heading towards 35...the less celebratory i become and the more i feel "yes i love my thirties but the numbers just bother me". i feel this pressure to celebrate or do"something" like i feel on new years eve. you-have-to-be-with-someone pressure.

hell it would be nice to be with someone but if there isn't the nice people i have in my life already are great to start with and end my life with. so my gratitude goes out to all my buddies here and far. i try to imagine life without them and it is hard to imagine it. simple as that. it is very easy to imagine the old ex-es not being in my life. so birthdays...thank you for the kind thoughts and for the friendships that make life interesting and beautiful. the irem here couldn't have been the irem now without any of you.

where am i

imf meetings in istanbul. it's not as crazy and chaotic as i thought it would be. the congress centre is packed. we are in an impenetrable bubble where the food costs more than it would in an airport and the offices become heavy and hard to be in after lunch time.

but it is interesting. people going from one room to another for meetings, people going up and down the escalators, security hovering around everywhere, cleaning people continuously cleaning.

it is a busy bee kind of atmosphere here. i will probably process my feelings about all this next week.