whirly weekend

i decided to go to ankara this weekend. it was the only available weekend i could pull off a visit to friends and my urban shamanic gypsy woman melek. what she is does is truly authentic, no weird strange potions, no dancing, no weird headwear...she heats lead to a boil, covers my body with a sheet, then splashes the lead into water. i think it's all very electro-magnetic in nature. she does it twice and then reads the warped lead in the water. very simple. and no i don't think i am getting lead poisoning from this.

once done i feel like i have just been at a 3 hour meditation session. which is why whatever happened happened because i was so relaxed. i went to mavi jeans to get a small present for a friend of mine i was staying at, duly paid it and left. the next afternoon i hopped on the bus and came right back to istanbul and straight to crystal's, the birthday girl. and that's when i noticed my wallet was missing.

it's an awful feeling. it's one thing to know you were robbed but to not know where your wallet is a whole different nightmare. after getting everyone to do an emotional flip in ankara and in istanbul i decided to cancel my credit card when i was told that the card had been cancelled already. the day before. i had noticed my wallet was missing for 24 hours even though i had cleaned my bag the morning i left ankara!!

apparently i had left it at mavi jeans. they send it out to me today.

when i was looking at myself during this entire ordeal i was just not looking forward to reissuing everything. ID card, social security, cards...and my piece of lead was in there too...

oh yeah simplify is the way to go. all direction point to "simplify".

dusunceler

yil sonu ve bu yil nasil gecti degerlendirmeler kafami dolduruyor. yani insanoglu nasil bir sey...dusun babam dusun nereye kadar. yapacagim dedigin seyleri yerine getiriyorsun ve tatminlik duygusu 3 dakika suruyor sonra devam, ayni carki devam ediyor.

yedigoller'den dondukten sonra eren babasini kaybettigini haberi geldi. baba kayibi tuhaf oluyor. var olan biri, farkli bir sehirde, farkli bir yasam suren bir insan bir anda hayatindan cikmis oluyor. cok tuhaf. butun hafta kafam o duygulari bir anlasilabilir paket haline sokmaya calistim ve beceremedim galiba. tek bir gercek var- o da biz burda geciciyiz ve hayatimizi guzel yasamaliyiz. bunun ustune sanki duygular hafif gelmis gibi, gecmis yasam terapisine gittim. yil sonu ya, iste ne ogrenebilirsem kendi hakkimda o kadar iyi. yaaaaani.

evet evet oyle (der irem'in ikizi).

ve kendi hakkimda ogrendikce, derinlere indikce, ne kadar cok ta kalibim varmis onu gormus oluyorum. yani bunun hepsi 54 kiloluk vucudumda tasidigim seyler. tasi babam tasi. niye hayatimi zorlastiriyorum? ne geregi var? iste bu da bir kalip. hayat zor.

zor degiiiil. algi neyse hayat o. basit.

iste 2010'un temasi bu olacak. basitlikte mutluluk var. hersey hep basitti, komplike olupta ne kazaniyoruz ki?

yedigoller

kamp yaptik yedigoller'de. harika bir yer. istanbul'dan 4.5 saat filan. bolu'dan sonra yollar yol olmaktan cikiyor. dag'a gelince bir tek levha var, "yedigoller 15 km" yaziyor ve 1.5 saatte anca gidiyorsun. araba saglam olacak, camur derin. off road jeepler filan orda camurda oynamaya gelmis, eglenceli gozukuyordu.

asil bahar ve son bahar'da guzel olur. biz 9 kadin, 4 erkek gittik, birbirimizden farkli. soforumuz film star gibi, tur liderimiz rizeli ve hikayeler anlatan bir tip. ben, eren, gizem ve burcu enteresan tayfa olarak grupta yer aliyorduk.

yuruyusler, agaclar, her taraftan akan sular, gollerin uzerindeki sari yapraklar, sis ve serpistiren yagmur...tam masal gibi bir yer iste.

daha anlatacaklarim var, resimlerle. simdi vapura yetismem gerekiyor!

amsterdam and coming home

coming home feels good. i don't think i remember having felt this strongly about feeling good coming home before. i love the travel bit ^don't get me wrong. this time it was amsterdam. with crystal and scott. jesus they are funny people. we walked and walked in the streets, in the cold and sometimes in the rain. we met artists. we ate oily balls, mexican and indian. i saw old friends from my ankara days...a full 4 day vacation. perfect place for 4 days. in the spring actually great weather for cycling (even though the weather does not stop the dutch from biking anywhere anytime).

and back to istanbul. i think this place is addictive. the speed is addictive; the people is both claustrophobic but also amazingly freeing because you feel anonymous. and anonymity means not feeling responsible. which is the cancer that is here. i won't fall into that trap. but istanbul has an intoxicating dynamism that no other place has. well maybeeee new york...