haberim yoktu. bakirkoy'e arkadasimi gormeye yola ciktim, ilik hava ve tatli ama hafif siddetli bir ruzgarla karsilastim. biraz sersem oldum ama pek sorgulamadim. severim ruzgari... bakirkoy'e varinca gul bana firtina geliyor haber verdi, ertesi gun kar ve soguk olacagini soyledi. gunum daha yeni baslamisti, islerim vardi, gorecek insanlar vardi. koskoca gun var, firtina gelecekse gece gelir ve devam eder diye dusundum.
atakoy'de cok sevdigim bir arkadasima ziyarete gittim. kaza gecirmisti ve muthis bir iyilesme kaydetmisti. yuksek morali ve pozitif bakis acisi bana ilham verdi. pencereden baktim hava biraz kararmisti, kadikoy'e gecmek icin feribot'a atlarim dedim. bakirkoy iskelesine bi gittim, feribot seferleri iptal edilmis. otobus duraginda beklerken saclarim ucusuyor deli bir sekilde, ruzgar gozlerimi yasartiyor, ve ne otobus geliyor, ne dolmus duruyor. akbaba gibi duran taksiler var sadece.
birden iskele otoparktan bir sari dolmus cikti. taksim levhasi takili. hemen bindim. ucretleri bilmiyorlardi. megersem bostanci dolmusuymus, seferler iptal olunca yolculari bakirkoy'e getirmisler. simdi de geri donuyorlar. guzergahi bile bilmiyorlar. yolcu bindikce ve sordukca, sofor aynadan bana bakiyor, el hareketleriyle alacagi ucreti isaretle soyluyorum. taksim'den de kadikoy'e gidecek, super dedim, karsiya ayni dolmusla gecebilecektim. meleklerim is basinda. sahil trafigi akiyor ama deniz kudurmus. dalgalar yola fiskiriyor ve dolmusa vuruyor. icim heyecanlandi. bir cocuk bisiklete binmis, sirilsiklam, egleniyor. tabiii ki dolmuscu bipbip kornasini caldi.
TRT'ye geliyoruz. polis ceviriyor. bildigi tanidigi dolmus degil. oturma koltuklari bakirkoy dolmuslarindan farkli. dolmuscu yolcu indiriyor ve kaciyor. her sey cok hizli. ilerde dolmus soforu ve yanindaki arkadasi yer degistiryor. 2 saniye sonra polis sivil arabayla yolumuzu kesiyor ve iniyor. tam film. soforumuz megersem ehliyetini evde unutmus, yanindaki arkadasi yeni istanbul'a gelmis ve sofor olarak ilk gunu. polis bagiriyor, ben icimden herkesi pembe boyuyorum reiki gonderiyorum. yolcular huzursuz, ben sakin sakin oturuyorum. soforun yuzunde bir tebessum var. temiz yuzlu, renkli gozlu bir adam. panik filan yapmiyor. bildigi birsey var ki endiseli degil dedim. arkadasina herkesi taksim'e birakmasini soyledi, bayan'i kadikoy'e birak dedi (yani ben), bana bakti ve yolu gosterin lutfen dedi. kafami salladim ok dedim.
meydan'a geldik, herkes patirpatir disari dokulduler. herkes bunalmis o 5 dakika icinde. yeni soforu dolmus duragina goturdum, renkli gozlu arkadasini bekledik. geldi. ceza yemis ama 190 YTL'den 52 YTL'ye indirmis. one oturun bayan dedi. sizi moda'ya yakin indiririz dedi. yeni sofor arkadasi aramiza bir kovanin ustune oturdu ve surekli seker yedi. ilk gun olarak macerali gecmisti.
kadikoy'e vardim, baya yorulmustum. insanlar bana carpa carpa yurumeye calisyordum. kahveye ihtiyacim vardi. aksam yemegi ciya'da yiyecektik, bu sersem halimle sosyalize olmam mumkun degildi. emine yildirim, benim film kritik yapan arkadasim geldi, evine gittik, sohbet filan, yemek planlar iptal edildi. karsiya gecemiyoruz dediler. bizde evde yemek yaptik. carcar konusurken yagmur basladi. aklimda kar kis ertesi gun oldugu icin eve gitmem gerekiyor dedim. ustumde sadece bir ceket. ne yagmurluk var, ne semsiye. kucuklugunde giydigi yagmurlugunu bana veriyor. kollari dirseklerime kadar geliyor, boyu dizalti. cok fashionable gozukuyorum. cirlak mavi rengi. mor semsiye veriyor. hersey tam oldu.
disariya attim kendimi. sahile dogru yuruyorum. ruzgar ve yagmur. semsiye ters dondu. semsiyesiz yurumeye basladim. yuzume batiyor yagmur. bi kere key west'te dolu yagdigi zaman motorsikletteydim. ona benzedi. insanlar disarda, herkes bir panik. moda'yi sel goturuyor. o sabah ayakkabilarimi parlattirmistim. parlak gozukuyorlardi hemde sele girdim ve siyah isiltisi artik gouzume girdi. dolmusa bindim, herkes benden uzak oturuyor, en kurusu ama en islaga benim. yagmurlugum sanki tum koltugu sirilsiklam yapti...uskudar'a varisim hizli. super. kendi duragima gittim ve otobus yeni hareket ediyordu. kostum yetistim. hemen en arkaya gittim. yagmuru seyretmek istiyordum. teyzeler bana bagriyordu. gel kizim oturacak yer var burda! bi bilseler ne kadar islak oldugumu...yagmurlugum ve pacalarimdan akan sular hemen bir havuz olusturmustu bile...agizim acik seyrettim. muthisti. kopruler gozukmuyordu. trafik isiklari yerlerde yansiyor. yollar tenha. havadaki enerji muthis yuksek.
ertesi gun yollarda yuruyen insanlarin basina levhalar dusmus, taksim hastane'nin catisi ucmus, eski agaclar kopmus...firtinalara kesinlikle asigim zannedersem. istanbuldaki firtinalara.
11.26.2008
11.20.2008
paintball- a mini war and a mini nirvana
the name of our team was 'kirmizi penceler' (red claws). someone had thrown out the idea 'kartal' which means eagle in turkish. i knew we had to have an aggressive name to get our identity in line with the game. the psychology classes in college finally came of some use...we were bundled up in camoes, given masks to cover our faces, these same masks were goggles that fogged up each time you breathed which is why the umpires recommended everyone to take some tissue paper to wipe it every now and then. yeah right! i am about to enter a war zone and i am going to have to make time for a goggle wipe session!
the team discusses strategies, i am there, i want to do this right. at least that's what i really want. all this yoga everyday i know i know one would think its going to be different but as soon as i walk into a competitive game environment i am back to my school days- running in relays, yelling during volleyball matches, getting hit in the eye during field hockey, feeling the adrenaline pump while mountain biking in the woods with adrenaline obssessed friends...i love a good game and if i get minor cuts and bruises in that time then i have done my best. strange way to think huh?
it had been a while since i have been consumed in this 'other mode'. a long while. last time i had a competitive stubbornness take hold of me was a game of backgammon in london 2 years ago and man it feels good to win against a pretty experienced opponent.
the team discussed how to get the flag, to protect themselves and to yell for cover if need be. the first round was total confusion. our ammunition finished really quick, we were running like we were on acid and nobody really knew what was going on. wasted energy. i was running out of steam. i got shot on my wrist a few times and then my pinky which hurt and then sizzled but i was game. i was committed.
the second round was interesting. the team had figured out the routes, i could see where i was shooting, making runs to the flag but getting hit on my legs which would instantly stop me in my tracks. there was no way i could move after getting shot. heroic performance put by myself but it yielded no results. we were 1-1, the number of shots each side had inflicted upon each other. the number of phosphorescent paint marks on bodies was their measure.
third round was a mixture of fatigue and hysteria. i couldn't see from my goggles. i shot at an opponent from a short distance whose strategy was to walk to our goal to grab the flag without being noticed. he was 10 yards from it! he was almost successful. and apparently he shot me before i shot him...i crawled and made an insane run to grab the flag along with a team member and at some point i didn't know where i was going and couldn't see the flag i was trying to get to... around that timeframe i was shot on my neck twice, 3 on my back and 2 on legs. oh yeah it was a fierce battle except all i did was shout and cringe in pain.
as the whistle went off to signal the end the opponent had already crossed with our flag and there i was at the base of a pine tree weeping from all my wounds. the ones on my neck and collarbone were ruthless. i heard myself clearly yelling in my head, 'i don't have to go through this pain!!' i suddenly got up with tear streaked eyes probably racoonish eyes- since my black kohl had just had it with the sweat, the crawling and the seemingly endless struggle to survive- and walked away, got dressed and started heading out.
parkorman in maslak is beautiful. as i was walking away from the paintball area it began to drizzle, the poolside was misty, people were still at brunch and the cobblestone pathways looked postively romantic. definitely a place i shall be going to eat and probably watch the rain sipping hot chocolate. the only good thing about paintball was the cleansing of all thoughts after 45 minutes of intense play. imagine that...you try to think and nothing comes. meditative.
the team discusses strategies, i am there, i want to do this right. at least that's what i really want. all this yoga everyday i know i know one would think its going to be different but as soon as i walk into a competitive game environment i am back to my school days- running in relays, yelling during volleyball matches, getting hit in the eye during field hockey, feeling the adrenaline pump while mountain biking in the woods with adrenaline obssessed friends...i love a good game and if i get minor cuts and bruises in that time then i have done my best. strange way to think huh? it had been a while since i have been consumed in this 'other mode'. a long while. last time i had a competitive stubbornness take hold of me was a game of backgammon in london 2 years ago and man it feels good to win against a pretty experienced opponent.
the team discussed how to get the flag, to protect themselves and to yell for cover if need be. the first round was total confusion. our ammunition finished really quick, we were running like we were on acid and nobody really knew what was going on. wasted energy. i was running out of steam. i got shot on my wrist a few times and then my pinky which hurt and then sizzled but i was game. i was committed. the second round was interesting. the team had figured out the routes, i could see where i was shooting, making runs to the flag but getting hit on my legs which would instantly stop me in my tracks. there was no way i could move after getting shot. heroic performance put by myself but it yielded no results. we were 1-1, the number of shots each side had inflicted upon each other. the number of phosphorescent paint marks on bodies was their measure.
third round was a mixture of fatigue and hysteria. i couldn't see from my goggles. i shot at an opponent from a short distance whose strategy was to walk to our goal to grab the flag without being noticed. he was 10 yards from it! he was almost successful. and apparently he shot me before i shot him...i crawled and made an insane run to grab the flag along with a team member and at some point i didn't know where i was going and couldn't see the flag i was trying to get to... around that timeframe i was shot on my neck twice, 3 on my back and 2 on legs. oh yeah it was a fierce battle except all i did was shout and cringe in pain.
as the whistle went off to signal the end the opponent had already crossed with our flag and there i was at the base of a pine tree weeping from all my wounds. the ones on my neck and collarbone were ruthless. i heard myself clearly yelling in my head, 'i don't have to go through this pain!!' i suddenly got up with tear streaked eyes probably racoonish eyes- since my black kohl had just had it with the sweat, the crawling and the seemingly endless struggle to survive- and walked away, got dressed and started heading out.
parkorman in maslak is beautiful. as i was walking away from the paintball area it began to drizzle, the poolside was misty, people were still at brunch and the cobblestone pathways looked postively romantic. definitely a place i shall be going to eat and probably watch the rain sipping hot chocolate. the only good thing about paintball was the cleansing of all thoughts after 45 minutes of intense play. imagine that...you try to think and nothing comes. meditative.
11.10.2008
bir abim var ismi kerem durdag
15 milyon insanla istanbulu paylasmak kolay degil. hele ailem gelmis, abim'i 2 sene sonra ilk defa goruyorum. kendisi en son 1991 de gelmis gibi bilgiler ustumdeyken biraz endiselendim.
abim'le daha yeni yeni birbirimizin derinliklerine girebiliyoruz. ben lisedeyken, o amerika'da minnesota'da universite'yi bitirdi. 7 sene gormedim. sonra o new hampshiredayken ben iowadaydım. mezun oldum. daha sonra onunla 3 ay portsmouth'ta yasadim. florida ve kamptayken o mainedeydi. uclarda yasayan aileyiz anladiginiz. 2 sene once ben, annem ve abimin ailesi hep birlikte maine'de bulustuk. ama bu sefer abim istanbul'a geldi. bir zamanlar soylemisti; olgunlastikca yas farki da azalir demisti. Dogru.
bir hafta sonu. cihangir'de kahvalti, anadolu hisar'daki evim'de espresso, hidiv kasrinda ogle yemegi, sahilde uzun yuruyus, ortakoy'de alis veris, etiler'de lahmacun (ben yemedim), ailecek toplanti ve sonra vedalasma. dolu dolu bir gundu. yeni isimi anlattim. masaj seansi vardi ona gittim geldim. liderlik konferansi’na gittim. evimdeki olmayan ve istemedigim esyalari gordu...benim dunyama gelmesine izin verdim. benim dunyama girmek kolay degil...bazi seylerin mantigi benim hayatimda gozle gorunecek sekilde aranmaz. abim bunu anladi. kac sefer kendisi beni kendi dunyasina ziyarete cagirdi ve agirladi. 33 sene sonra ben onu davet etmis oldum. sasirmis olabilir.
annem bu arada cok cok mutluydu.
abim'le daha yeni yeni birbirimizin derinliklerine girebiliyoruz. ben lisedeyken, o amerika'da minnesota'da universite'yi bitirdi. 7 sene gormedim. sonra o new hampshiredayken ben iowadaydım. mezun oldum. daha sonra onunla 3 ay portsmouth'ta yasadim. florida ve kamptayken o mainedeydi. uclarda yasayan aileyiz anladiginiz. 2 sene once ben, annem ve abimin ailesi hep birlikte maine'de bulustuk. ama bu sefer abim istanbul'a geldi. bir zamanlar soylemisti; olgunlastikca yas farki da azalir demisti. Dogru.
bir hafta sonu. cihangir'de kahvalti, anadolu hisar'daki evim'de espresso, hidiv kasrinda ogle yemegi, sahilde uzun yuruyus, ortakoy'de alis veris, etiler'de lahmacun (ben yemedim), ailecek toplanti ve sonra vedalasma. dolu dolu bir gundu. yeni isimi anlattim. masaj seansi vardi ona gittim geldim. liderlik konferansi’na gittim. evimdeki olmayan ve istemedigim esyalari gordu...benim dunyama gelmesine izin verdim. benim dunyama girmek kolay degil...bazi seylerin mantigi benim hayatimda gozle gorunecek sekilde aranmaz. abim bunu anladi. kac sefer kendisi beni kendi dunyasina ziyarete cagirdi ve agirladi. 33 sene sonra ben onu davet etmis oldum. sasirmis olabilir.
annem bu arada cok cok mutluydu.
11.06.2008
how thai yoga massage changed my life
massage is not something one should not take seriously. i have believed in its transformational power since i was 10. it was probably my mother's influence, massaging my hands and shoulders to help me sleep, or teaching me how a woman should massage her legs with the best lotion after a bath. there was a time when i wanted to be a massage therapist out in colorado but they did not give "scholarships". i put that dream on hold for a few years.
a 7 year hold.
March 2007, a group of friends from my energy group, we found a thai yoga massage training course in istanbul. all of us were interested, and being in istanbul was a great opportunity. being a yoga instructor i figured it would be an added bonus to my skills.
my first 10 hour session was interesting and since we were paired with others, i was a puppet for my partner. the incredible thing is all the fatigue from travelling 6 hours to istanbul disappeared only to be replaced with renewed energy. it was enough energy to keep me going that night where i met people who were going to be my closest friends in the istanbul chapter of my life.
i met sinem and her sister seyhan at a party that i was invited to by eren's mother. eren's mother is not like any mother i have met...her laughter echoes through halls and her look pierces through flesh. that night sinem and seyhan convinced me that i belonged in istanbul. mind you they did not diss ankara, they clearly stated that istanbul was the calling to my soul. subtle.
and thus began the slow journey to prepare myself for this awe- inspiring city. it was because of thai yoga massage... i tell my clients all the time, if you want a change in your life for the better get 4 sessions of thai massage within 2 months and watch the transformation. it is worth it.
a 7 year hold.
March 2007, a group of friends from my energy group, we found a thai yoga massage training course in istanbul. all of us were interested, and being in istanbul was a great opportunity. being a yoga instructor i figured it would be an added bonus to my skills.
my first 10 hour session was interesting and since we were paired with others, i was a puppet for my partner. the incredible thing is all the fatigue from travelling 6 hours to istanbul disappeared only to be replaced with renewed energy. it was enough energy to keep me going that night where i met people who were going to be my closest friends in the istanbul chapter of my life.
i met sinem and her sister seyhan at a party that i was invited to by eren's mother. eren's mother is not like any mother i have met...her laughter echoes through halls and her look pierces through flesh. that night sinem and seyhan convinced me that i belonged in istanbul. mind you they did not diss ankara, they clearly stated that istanbul was the calling to my soul. subtle.
and thus began the slow journey to prepare myself for this awe- inspiring city. it was because of thai yoga massage... i tell my clients all the time, if you want a change in your life for the better get 4 sessions of thai massage within 2 months and watch the transformation. it is worth it.
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