clues on life in bozcaada

blue frames

walls

big pebbly beaches

crows

one- eyed cats

bozcaada

bayram tatilinde bozcaadaydim. bayramin tam ortasinda. kalabalik, trafik, telas hepsi bitmisti. istanbul'dan bozcaada'ya gitmek kolaymis. eceabat- canakkale feribotlarla gecip sonra geyikli- bozcaada...gunes vardi, esintiyle gunes birlikte sahilde yurumek buyuk bir keyifti.

minnacik bir ada. hep adali olmak istedigimi bilirim. iste hangi ada olacak, hangi ada bana gore... o sorunun cevabi yavas yavas gezdikce olusuyor. bozcaadalilar seker insanlar. acimasiz taraflari da var. kucuk bir yer oldugu icin ters bir hareket...herkesin haberi olur. bir ressam Sibel japonya'da yasayip kendisine ada'nin batisinda tas ev ve bahce yapmis. ondan baska yok. komsulari yok. merkezde isi olursa ya yurur ya da ona ziyarete gelen goturur. merkez'de pansiyonlari var, firdevs'le remata'da kaldik. ev ortamini ozlemisim.

dolunaydi. firdevs'le sahile indik ve dolunayi seyrettik. kale'nin yuksek duvarlarin yaninda denizi, ayin yansittigi dalgalari gecenin bir saatinde izledik. topladigimiz taslari cam kenarina koyduk.

bisikletler kiralanabilinyor. yaz aylarinda cok kalabalikmis. ben tenha halini sevdim. evler 2 katli rum evleri, kucuk, sevimli ve kullanisli. herkes ev fiyatlarini konusyordu surekli.

bozcaada herkesi davet eder ama herkesi kolay kabul etmekte zorlanir gibi geldi. ondan da yine gidilecek bir yer.

istanbul'da firtina

haberim yoktu. bakirkoy'e arkadasimi gormeye yola ciktim, ilik hava ve tatli ama hafif siddetli bir ruzgarla karsilastim. biraz sersem oldum ama pek sorgulamadim. severim ruzgari... bakirkoy'e varinca gul bana firtina geliyor haber verdi, ertesi gun kar ve soguk olacagini soyledi. gunum daha yeni baslamisti, islerim vardi, gorecek insanlar vardi. koskoca gun var, firtina gelecekse gece gelir ve devam eder diye dusundum.

atakoy'de cok sevdigim bir arkadasima ziyarete gittim. kaza gecirmisti ve muthis bir iyilesme kaydetmisti. yuksek morali ve pozitif bakis acisi bana ilham verdi. pencereden baktim hava biraz kararmisti, kadikoy'e gecmek icin feribot'a atlarim dedim. bakirkoy iskelesine bi gittim, feribot seferleri iptal edilmis. otobus duraginda beklerken saclarim ucusuyor deli bir sekilde, ruzgar gozlerimi yasartiyor, ve ne otobus geliyor, ne dolmus duruyor. akbaba gibi duran taksiler var sadece.

birden iskele otoparktan bir sari dolmus cikti. taksim levhasi takili. hemen bindim. ucretleri bilmiyorlardi. megersem bostanci dolmusuymus, seferler iptal olunca yolculari bakirkoy'e getirmisler. simdi de geri donuyorlar. guzergahi bile bilmiyorlar. yolcu bindikce ve sordukca, sofor aynadan bana bakiyor, el hareketleriyle alacagi ucreti isaretle soyluyorum. taksim'den de kadikoy'e gidecek, super dedim, karsiya ayni dolmusla gecebilecektim. meleklerim is basinda. sahil trafigi akiyor ama deniz kudurmus. dalgalar yola fiskiriyor ve dolmusa vuruyor. icim heyecanlandi. bir cocuk bisiklete binmis, sirilsiklam, egleniyor. tabiii ki dolmuscu bipbip kornasini caldi.

TRT'ye geliyoruz. polis ceviriyor. bildigi tanidigi dolmus degil. oturma koltuklari bakirkoy dolmuslarindan farkli. dolmuscu yolcu indiriyor ve kaciyor. her sey cok hizli. ilerde dolmus soforu ve yanindaki arkadasi yer degistiryor. 2 saniye sonra polis sivil arabayla yolumuzu kesiyor ve iniyor. tam film. soforumuz megersem ehliyetini evde unutmus, yanindaki arkadasi yeni istanbul'a gelmis ve sofor olarak ilk gunu. polis bagiriyor, ben icimden herkesi pembe boyuyorum reiki gonderiyorum. yolcular huzursuz, ben sakin sakin oturuyorum. soforun yuzunde bir tebessum var. temiz yuzlu, renkli gozlu bir adam. panik filan yapmiyor. bildigi birsey var ki endiseli degil dedim. arkadasina herkesi taksim'e birakmasini soyledi, bayan'i kadikoy'e birak dedi (yani ben), bana bakti ve yolu gosterin lutfen dedi. kafami salladim ok dedim.

meydan'a geldik, herkes patirpatir disari dokulduler. herkes bunalmis o 5 dakika icinde. yeni soforu dolmus duragina goturdum, renkli gozlu arkadasini bekledik. geldi. ceza yemis ama 190 YTL'den 52 YTL'ye indirmis. one oturun bayan dedi. sizi moda'ya yakin indiririz dedi. yeni sofor arkadasi aramiza bir kovanin ustune oturdu ve surekli seker yedi. ilk gun olarak macerali gecmisti.

kadikoy'e vardim, baya yorulmustum. insanlar bana carpa carpa yurumeye calisyordum. kahveye ihtiyacim vardi. aksam yemegi ciya'da yiyecektik, bu sersem halimle sosyalize olmam mumkun degildi. emine yildirim, benim film kritik yapan arkadasim geldi, evine gittik, sohbet filan, yemek planlar iptal edildi. karsiya gecemiyoruz dediler. bizde evde yemek yaptik. carcar konusurken yagmur basladi. aklimda kar kis ertesi gun oldugu icin eve gitmem gerekiyor dedim. ustumde sadece bir ceket. ne yagmurluk var, ne semsiye. kucuklugunde giydigi yagmurlugunu bana veriyor. kollari dirseklerime kadar geliyor, boyu dizalti. cok fashionable gozukuyorum. cirlak mavi rengi. mor semsiye veriyor. hersey tam oldu.

disariya attim kendimi. sahile dogru yuruyorum. ruzgar ve yagmur. semsiye ters dondu. semsiyesiz yurumeye basladim. yuzume batiyor yagmur. bi kere key west'te dolu yagdigi zaman motorsikletteydim. ona benzedi. insanlar disarda, herkes bir panik. moda'yi sel goturuyor. o sabah ayakkabilarimi parlattirmistim. parlak gozukuyorlardi hemde sele girdim ve siyah isiltisi artik gouzume girdi. dolmusa bindim, herkes benden uzak oturuyor, en kurusu ama en islaga benim. yagmurlugum sanki tum koltugu sirilsiklam yapti...uskudar'a varisim hizli. super. kendi duragima gittim ve otobus yeni hareket ediyordu. kostum yetistim. hemen en arkaya gittim. yagmuru seyretmek istiyordum. teyzeler bana bagriyordu. gel kizim oturacak yer var burda! bi bilseler ne kadar islak oldugumu...yagmurlugum ve pacalarimdan akan sular hemen bir havuz olusturmustu bile...agizim acik seyrettim. muthisti. kopruler gozukmuyordu. trafik isiklari yerlerde yansiyor. yollar tenha. havadaki enerji muthis yuksek.

ertesi gun yollarda yuruyen insanlarin basina levhalar dusmus, taksim hastane'nin catisi ucmus, eski agaclar kopmus...firtinalara kesinlikle asigim zannedersem. istanbuldaki firtinalara.

paintball- a mini war and a mini nirvana

the name of our team was 'kirmizi penceler' (red claws). someone had thrown out the idea 'kartal' which means eagle in turkish. i knew we had to have an aggressive name to get our identity in line with the game. the psychology classes in college finally came of some use...we were bundled up in camoes, given masks to cover our faces, these same masks were goggles that fogged up each time you breathed which is why the umpires recommended everyone to take some tissue paper to wipe it every now and then. yeah right! i am about to enter a war zone and i am going to have to make time for a goggle wipe session!

the team discusses strategies, i am there, i want to do this right. at least that's what i really want. all this yoga everyday i know i know one would think its going to be different but as soon as i walk into a competitive game environment i am back to my school days- running in relays, yelling during volleyball matches, getting hit in the eye during field hockey, feeling the adrenaline pump while mountain biking in the woods with adrenaline obssessed friends...i love a good game and if i get minor cuts and bruises in that time then i have done my best. strange way to think huh?

it had been a while since i have been consumed in this 'other mode'. a long while. last time i had a competitive stubbornness take hold of me was a game of backgammon in london 2 years ago and man it feels good to win against a pretty experienced opponent.

the team discussed how to get the flag, to protect themselves and to yell for cover if need be. the first round was total confusion. our ammunition finished really quick, we were running like we were on acid and nobody really knew what was going on. wasted energy. i was running out of steam. i got shot on my wrist a few times and then my pinky which hurt and then sizzled but i was game. i was committed.

the second round was interesting. the team had figured out the routes, i could see where i was shooting, making runs to the flag but getting hit on my legs which would instantly stop me in my tracks. there was no way i could move after getting shot. heroic performance put by myself but it yielded no results. we were 1-1, the number of shots each side had inflicted upon each other. the number of phosphorescent paint marks on bodies was their measure.

third round was a mixture of fatigue and hysteria. i couldn't see from my goggles. i shot at an opponent from a short distance whose strategy was to walk to our goal to grab the flag without being noticed. he was 10 yards from it! he was almost successful. and apparently he shot me before i shot him...i crawled and made an insane run to grab the flag along with a team member and at some point i didn't know where i was going and couldn't see the flag i was trying to get to... around that timeframe i was shot on my neck twice, 3 on my back and 2 on legs. oh yeah it was a fierce battle except all i did was shout and cringe in pain.

as the whistle went off to signal the end the opponent had already crossed with our flag and there i was at the base of a pine tree weeping from all my wounds. the ones on my neck and collarbone were ruthless. i heard myself clearly yelling in my head, 'i don't have to go through this pain!!' i suddenly got up with tear streaked eyes probably racoonish eyes- since my black kohl had just had it with the sweat, the crawling and the seemingly endless struggle to survive- and walked away, got dressed and started heading out.

parkorman in maslak is beautiful. as i was walking away from the paintball area it began to drizzle, the poolside was misty, people were still at brunch and the cobblestone pathways looked postively romantic. definitely a place i shall be going to eat and probably watch the rain sipping hot chocolate. the only good thing about paintball was the cleansing of all thoughts after 45 minutes of intense play. imagine that...you try to think and nothing comes. meditative.

bir abim var ismi kerem durdag

15 milyon insanla istanbulu paylasmak kolay degil. hele ailem gelmis, abim'i 2 sene sonra ilk defa goruyorum. kendisi en son 1991 de gelmis gibi bilgiler ustumdeyken biraz endiselendim.

abim'le daha yeni yeni birbirimizin derinliklerine girebiliyoruz. ben lisedeyken, o amerika'da minnesota'da universite'yi bitirdi. 7 sene gormedim. sonra o new hampshiredayken ben iowadaydım. mezun oldum. daha sonra onunla 3 ay portsmouth'ta yasadim. florida ve kamptayken o mainedeydi. uclarda yasayan aileyiz anladiginiz. 2 sene once ben, annem ve abimin ailesi hep birlikte maine'de bulustuk. ama bu sefer abim istanbul'a geldi. bir zamanlar soylemisti; olgunlastikca yas farki da azalir demisti. Dogru.

bir hafta sonu. cihangir'de kahvalti, anadolu hisar'daki evim'de espresso, hidiv kasrinda ogle yemegi, sahilde uzun yuruyus, ortakoy'de alis veris, etiler'de lahmacun (ben yemedim), ailecek toplanti ve sonra vedalasma. dolu dolu bir gundu. yeni isimi anlattim. masaj seansi vardi ona gittim geldim. liderlik konferansi’na gittim. evimdeki olmayan ve istemedigim esyalari gordu...benim dunyama gelmesine izin verdim. benim dunyama girmek kolay degil...bazi seylerin mantigi benim hayatimda gozle gorunecek sekilde aranmaz. abim bunu anladi. kac sefer kendisi beni kendi dunyasina ziyarete cagirdi ve agirladi. 33 sene sonra ben onu davet etmis oldum. sasirmis olabilir.

annem bu arada cok cok mutluydu.

how thai yoga massage changed my life

massage is not something one should not take seriously. i have believed in its transformational power since i was 10. it was probably my mother's influence, massaging my hands and shoulders to help me sleep, or teaching me how a woman should massage her legs with the best lotion after a bath. there was a time when i wanted to be a massage therapist out in colorado but they did not give "scholarships". i put that dream on hold for a few years.

a 7 year hold.

March 2007, a group of friends from my energy group, we found a thai yoga massage training course in istanbul. all of us were interested, and being in istanbul was a great opportunity. being a yoga instructor i figured it would be an added bonus to my skills.

my first 10 hour session was interesting and since we were paired with others, i was a puppet for my partner. the incredible thing is all the fatigue from travelling 6 hours to istanbul disappeared only to be replaced with renewed energy. it was enough energy to keep me going that night where i met people who were going to be my closest friends in the istanbul chapter of my life.

i met sinem and her sister seyhan at a party that i was invited to by eren's mother. eren's mother is not like any mother i have met...her laughter echoes through halls and her look pierces through flesh. that night sinem and seyhan convinced me that i belonged in istanbul. mind you they did not diss ankara, they clearly stated that istanbul was the calling to my soul. subtle.

and thus began the slow journey to prepare myself for this awe- inspiring city. it was because of thai yoga massage... i tell my clients all the time, if you want a change in your life for the better get 4 sessions of thai massage within 2 months and watch the transformation. it is worth it.

doing yoga at and for work

don't get me wrong, i am not doing the lotus pose at work. imagine me at my desk, with a view of skyscrapers and me chanting ohm.

i wouldn't even recommend doing that at work.

what i AM doing is breathing long and steady when dealing with customs officials, telecommunication procedures and tax issues. it always helps to wake up a little early and do a few sun salutations and kapalbhatti (cleansing the frontal lobe breathing technique) before having a quiet tea. nothing like waking up the body you take for granted and bowing to it in gratitude and with grace. even though it is difficult to imagine being productive or remotely functional at 0600 in the morning, it is true what the yogis say- it is before sunrise and just as day breaks that one feels most at peace. one does not feel connected to ones identity... there is nothing to identify to at that hour!

and that is the time you are most free.

aynasiz hayat

kolay degilmis ama alistim. yeni evimde ayna yoktu ve gunlerce rimelimi minik aynamin yardimiyla surdum, sonra rujumu... giyisiye gelince beynimin kurgu gucune inanmak zorundaydim.

bodrum'dan donerken onur air dergisine bakiyordum ve bir adamin hikayesini okudum. 30senedir bir fabrika'da muhasebeci olarak calismis ve emekli olunca tahtakale'de kendi marangoz dukkanini acmis. muthis seker, renkli, ahsap mobilya kendisi tasariliyor ve yapiyormus. adresini aldim ve 1.5 ay sonra crystal'la yagmurlu bir gunde ona ziyarete gittik. elimde hayalimdeki aynanin olculeri ve rengi... gerisini hakki bey'e birakacaktim.

hakki bey tahtakaledeki en orijinal adamiydi. sokagi buluncaya kadar islanmistik, semsiye alalim konusmalar geciyordu...rengarenk ahsap banklari gectik ve burasi dedim. hakki bey'in ciktigi dergiler giristeydi (www.masalahsap.com). telsizle bize cay ismarladi ve yaptiklarini tek tek anlatti. masalarinin ortasinda derinlik yaratip fosiller yerlestirmisti. aydinlatmalari yaz geceleri terasta gecirmek icin mukemmel... aynami anlattim. cizdi. rengini konusttuk, secenek sundu. deniz kestane ve deniz kabuklarini gosterdi ne istersiniz sordu. tasarimina inaniyordum. mavi ayna yesil bir banyoda olacaksa denizi hatirlatir dedi. kafama gore birseyler yaparim dedi.

bir hafta sonra yine yagmurlu bir gunde hayalimdeki aynami aldim. kendimi ozleyecegimi dusunmustum...kendimi gorunce ne kadar degistigimi gordum ve ne kadar degismedigimi.

hasan'in askerligi

hasan hikaye anlatmak istedigi zaman odanin tam ortasina gelir ve karakterlerin hepsini tek tek canlandirarak anlatir. beni cok guldurur. genelde ciddi sakin bir insandir ama. ilk tanistigimizda gecenin bir vaktinde turk topraklarinin gucunu anlatmisti. canakkale'deymisim gibi hissettim. hasan konustugu zaman film seyrediyorum gibi oluyor.

acemiligi manisa kirkagac'ta yapmis. surunmus. istanbul cocugu, 15000 asker arasinda en uzun boylusu hasan'di. askerlige gidecegim deyip bunalimda surekli yiyen biri olmus, acemiligin ilk gunu 50 yasindaki bir adamla meydan'daki butun izmaritleri toplamis. yemekhane 2 km uzaklikta, yatagi 7.katta, nobet tutarken tufegile bas calarken yakalanan, boynuna carsaf baglayip superman gibi etrafta kosan deliren bir cocugu izlerken dusunen, her taraf allahin unuttugu kose gibi bir yerde kendisini anlamaya calisan hasan...sirasi geldiginde bulasik yikattiriyormus. hasan dogustan is adamiymis zaten. gunlerce dikenlerin ustunde surunmek, yenilemeyen yemekleri yemek, 45 gunde 16 kilo vermek....askerlik hasan'in hayatindaki bakis acisini genisleten deneyimlerden biri.

hasan iste.

ankara'ya ziyaret'e gelmisti gecen sene. kendimi cankaya'da bir yerde bir okulun kosesinde leman teyze'yle cay ictigimi birden fark ettim. hasan askerligi'ni ankara'da devam etmis. onu da besleyen ve bakan leman teyze'ye gittik. 5 sene sonra. onunla ve bey'iyle oturduk cay ictik ve biskuvi yedik. hasan'in gencligini ve o zaman cektiklerini anlatti. kucakladi filan. gozlerim doldu. hasan birini sevdigi zaman soylemeden soyler. arkadaslarin tam yaninda cafe'de restoran'da olmasada yanindadir. oyle bir varligi vardir.

her arkadaslik gibi bizim de tartismalarimiz oldu. zorlar hasan. ama sana inandigi icin zorlar. daha iyiyi hakettigini bildigi icin icindeki gucu zorlar. sonra da uzdugu icin uzulur ve arar. aradigi zaman da tartisma unutulmustur ve kaldigi yerden devam edilir. niyet onemli sonucta. tanisttik sonra istanbul'a gelme niyetimi sadece bir kez soylemistim. o gunden itibaren hep sorardi "ne zaman geliyorsun". bir aksam telefonda soyledim gununu. bir kac saat sonra aradi ve arkadasinin musait bir odasinda kalirsin dedi. hedef varsa, yapacak isler var demek... hadi yapalim diyen bir tip.

ici berrak dahi deli arkadasim hasan.

walking the city walls of istanbul with dirk

istanbul has been moody lately. it rains and then it suddenly decides not to, but it still wants to be hot and humid, just to remind one that it just may change its mind. it is different from boston weather... you know what they say there, "if you don't like the weather just wait a minute."


it was just this moodiness that made dirk and i stick to our mission to explore the city walls starting from eminonu towards the airport. it was a long walk which is why we followed it to yenikapi and called it a day. there is so much to see. eminonu in and of itself is a reminder of what istanbul was in all its glory. the city walls are most intact here and the ones facing the marmara. the rest of them are like broken teeth, new buildings have been replaced or old ones rebuilt or just a gaping hole and nothing on the other side.

the railway loyally follows the wall. we walked towards ahirkapi (there are many entrances and each have a name). there were holes and caves that many homeless inhabited and others were a depository for trash. it was sad. we went into Kucuk Ayasofya Camii which was beautiful. it had only recently been restored. the garden was well kept and the breeze was a relief from the heat. what was odd were magazines that had been donated to the camii, they were magazines of kazakhistan and turkmenistan from 2006 collecting dust. books for university examination tests were dusty too. what was the purpose of having these books and magazines in a place of worship and respect was beyond me.

we had lunch on the coastline near yenikapi. fisherman and fish restaurants, and of course cats. we then explored the armenian neighbourhoods and found a gorgeous church that was being restored. unfortunately its walls were secured with barbed wire. we had coffee with the archeologist and men who had seen better days of the neighbourhood. buildings that had seen better days...everything was skeletal...i was overcome with a feeling of sadness. i felt nourished when we went into another church and lit a candle. i had consciously blocked out what appeared ugly to me...there is negativity in the news, on the streets, in the faces of people and i had blocked it out to keep me safe...this was how i shielded myself against thinking negatively about humanity and it disturbed me. how much longer could i go on "shielding"?

we sat down for tea while walking back from yenikapi to karakoy. makeshift tea sellers, chicken and rice vendors, balloons-and-beercans-in-the-sea-and-rifle-to-shoot-with-games, families out for a walk, tourists sun bathing on the rocks, random fake perfume sellers...we had tea with a simitci (man who sells leavened bread with sesame seeds on top) who claimed to have figured out the holy books. i was actually impressed with the fact that he had decided he accepted everyone the way they were whatever faith they embraced. he said that turkey needed a scientist to proove everything in the books was true. he said he had concluded that the 8 heavens spoken of in islam was 8 planets that humanity was going to be transferred to in whatever form after judgement day. he appeared to be at peace with this notion and neither of us were going to dispute it with him. tea with the simitci was definitely a chat i will not be forgetting anytime soon.

this is istanbul.

the pig roast at hollygrove

i am a vegetarian. been a vegetarian since i was 16. it was easy. the only thing i ate around that time which was remotely close to meat was ground beef. never had much of a relationship with beef either. at some point when my mom asked if i wanted her to make kofte, i said no and it was not brought up again.

easy. makes sense?

what did not make sense to many people was when i said i was going to a pig roast in mississippi hosted by my close friend alan huffman. if people knew alan they would flock to get to know him because he just is that kind a man that a person should have in their lives- inspirational, witty, honest and loving. just writing about him makes me want to be at hollygrove with the hundreds of others who will be there this weekend.


alan built hollygrove in 10 some years one piece at a time. hollygrove inhabits 2 incredible dogs- jack and truman, a mean and rotten snake that the dogs find at the creek near by and many many trees. hollygrove has the honor to host the annual pig roast in the fall where this huge pig is brought from this meat warehouse thing (i had my eyes closed while they brought it out), stuffed by a core group of friends who come earlier than the guests, and is then cooked in a slow fire pit for 24 hours. there are shifts, there are times to flip the pig, the fire is always under control, and alan is the head of this entire operation.

every year.

those who do not attend are invited the year after and if they do not show up again are promptly removed from "the list". no one messes with the pig roast. there are only 4- 5 people in the US who have pig roasts.

i went 2 years ago. i was not the only vegetarian. you see people do not come for the pig alone. everyone comes to see everyone else and to see alan. he draws friends all across the nation and the planet (me for example).


alan. he and i have travelled some together. my dream is to travel with him through a desert, does not have to be the sahara, it could be rajasthan for example. the first time we met was through a mutual friend and we had stayed at hollygrove. our actual friendship grew over the years especially after i came to turkey. alan's writing is awe- inspiring. i have known reporters but until i met alan i really did not know reporters who risked their lives to get to the bottom of something. what kind of belief is that that would lead one to risk everything?

alan's new book is coming alive soon (www.alanhuffman.com). he worked on it night and day, through his father's illness and passing, through the storms that hit the south, and here he is putting the pig roast together this weekend.

i would have liked to be there with you alan.

yagmuru izlemek

firtinalar esti istanbul'da. istanbul'un farkli yerlerinde farkli zamanlarda. sabahin erken saatlerinde basladi ve gittikce ciddilesti. evim yukseklerde, tepelerde, her kosesinden orman ve kopruler gozukuyor... yagmurla ruzgar basladi ve camlar titredi. birden urktum. ruzgar ruzgardir sonucta. ama sessiz olan bir elementin sesi olunca korkutur ki aynen oyle oldu. yagmurun gokten indigini izledim ve ruzgarin yagmuru ittigini. gokte bir dalga dansi vardi. hayatimda boyle birsey gormemistim. bir kadinin uzun tuvaleti dans ederken ucusur gibi... inanilmazdi.

firtinalarda en cok yapmaya sevdigim sey sicak cikolata icmek. ve de sicak cikolatamla birlikte seyrettim.

how i see myself progress through "yoga moments"

everything is always a two way street, what you put in you get back somehow, maybe two fold... think of the last time you had a moment you thought you would remember for the rest of your life, and that moment becomes a reference point for the days to come.


i had such a moment as many others in india when i hurt my knees trying to do the padmasana. oh yes the lotus pose. the famous pose with the feet on opposite thighs, and yes your ankles are so flexible that the soles of your feet are looking up at the ceiling. it was the second week at the ashram on lord shiva's sacred soil in trimbak, the first yoga lesson of the day. we did preparatory stretches for this amazing meditative pose and then everyone attempted to do it. like hypnosis, one third get hypnotized, one third do not, and the rest kind of float in between but not completely in either state. i just pushed too hard. i wanted to be in the one third that could do it and it did not happen. what did proceed to take place was this slight "click" sound and i could not walk straight for the entire week.

in retrospect it was a great experience. ı used to wonder how there were people who could do a split and then lay their chest on the ground. how could a human being be so flexible?!! but then i saw the same person have a temper tantrum because someones laundry did not finish on time and theirs was being compromised. flexibility in the limbs did not extend to the personality. but here's the deal. for the past 8 months i have been in istanbul, and the struggles that are brought with moving, adjusting, making new friends, settling in and starting a whole new life, i discovered i could do the padmasana without a problem.

interesting eh?

i was giving a yoga lesson and teaching the variations of meditative poses one of which was the padmasana. i WAS going to say here's what the padmasana looks like in theory but i am not unable to do it YET when flip flop my soles were looking up at me resting contentedly on my thighs. i rushed home to simply check if it was really true. i had not even tried doing the padmasana since i got back form india let alone practice now and then. i had not attempted it since then.

the body is an amazing piece of work. i surprised myself the other day by chanting "ohm" all day long. it started with wanting to cleanse the energy of the apartment i moved into and then i chanted it all day until i got hungry. i had a moment.

when chatting with my friend hasan the other night he said how he wants more moments to remember. he said he wants to live moments. we went hiking in the greens of polonezkoy and it felt like i was a piece, an enormous piece of love that my body could not hold. and that moment was truly unforgettable. it was a yoga moment, one of the many that i am having in istanbul.

a 'fincan' of tea after a walk

needless to say tea is something i cannot do without. i am more tea than coffee. in pakistan i used to drink milky tea with the guards at the apartment complex gate and they taught me to pour the tea in the saucer and sip it without spilling. in turkey my memories of tea have expanded far and wide.

my new found friend dirk vermieren who knows istanbul better than anyone i have met thus far wanted to go for a walk. now a walk in the woods i have done. a walk on the only interesting street in ankara i have done. a walk by the upper iowa river in the fall was absolutely gorgeous. a walk to the bakkal counts as a sort of walk... but a walk from moda to fenerbahce by the sea i had not quite thought about.


dirk has written a book about walks one should take in istanbul! `100% istanbul` with 6 great walks mapped out for the adventurous traveller. we met in kadikoy and began walking through moda, the building that the municipality took over and now does not serve alcohol...people protest by drinking right next to it...cats, kittens and dogs running around, abandoned dilapidated yalis, a group of people with `moving signs'- a new marketing idea, a ghetto like jetty area where retired folks dock their boats and take their tiny boats out for a ride... 2 hours of stories to share and gather.

we ended up at a park that was near the marina in kalamis. a beautiful park. reminded me of vienna. little cafes, labeled trees, clean cobbled paths, kittens and puppies of istanbul napping in the gardens and random people out for a park walk on a humid cloudy day.


istanbul has a multitude of facets and it's mysterious folds are only beginning to reveal itself. one is lucky if one has a guide and friend to help you see what it is. one thing is for sure, a fincan of tea after a walk in istanbul is undoubtedly a well- deserved treat.

eren ve sinekleri

cok ozel bir insan var benim dunyamda. hayalimde kurdugum bir insan degiiiil. tanistirayim- ismi eren. eren'le olan iliskimiz turkiye'de basladi ve uluslararasi bir iliskiye donustu. londra'da konsolosluk'ta ciddi bir insan psikoloji deneyimini yasiyor. bir oda'da, etrafinda binlerce dosya ve herkesin hayatini ozetleyen kagitlar, paranoyaklardan mektuplar, surekli sorunlu insanlardan baglanan telefonu ve her sabah onunla birlikte gazeteyi okurken eslik eden sinegi...

eren beni ilk tanidiginda daha turkiye'ye yeni gelmistim ve herseyi yukardan bakiyordum. turkiye beni cok farkli yonlerden tokati patlatiyordu. eren beni pek tuhaf ve kendisini fazla begenmis biri olarak gormustu. AB proje'de tanistik ve onun bana hediye ettigi CD bizim iliskimizi kilitledi. onun ardindan zaten kahve, sicak cikolata ve cheescake donemimizi baslatmis olduk. cafes de cafe bizim sayemizde cirolarini ikiye katladi.

eren iki sene once tunali caddesinde ankara sicaginda soguk havayi ne kadar ozledigini anlatti. kafka'nin yagmurlu karanlik havayi neden sevdigini anlamis oldugunu anlatti. benim bir cok sefer 'istedigin olur' seklindeki felsefi dialoglarimizda bu sozler yeniden soylendi. kendimizi oxford'ta bir dugune gittigimizi izledik ve orda eren'e londra'da bir is teklifi aldigina sahit olduk. ingiltere donus'te saskin saskin eren basvurdu ve tikir tikir isler yoluna oturup eren tasan bavullariyla londra'ya gitti. yagmur, soguk ve kapali havasi olan ulkeye adim atti.

soktaydim. mutluydum. uzgundum. en yakin arkadasim gitmisti ama ankara'nin sokaklarindan gitmesi gerekiyordu. bunalim artik ayni salatada, ayni yuruyus rotasinda, ayni tunali dukkanlarinda ve yurtdisindan ziyarete gelen arkadaslarinda gozukmeye baslamisti. eren gidince bende ankara'da beni tutan nedir diye sormaya basladim. arkadaslarim, yavas yavas duzenene oturttugum evim ve isim. eren'nin istegi istanbul'a tasinmakti ama annesi ilk once tasindi. sonrada eren kendisini londr'da buldu. istanbul hayali havada kaldi.

istanbul'u tasinma hayalini ben beslemeye basladim. ankara'da yeterince kaldim diyordum. turkiye'de yasayip istanbul'da yasamamak hata olmaliydi diyordum. thai masaj kursuna istanbul'da alirken eren'le surekli konusuyorduk. istanbul o kadar korkunc degil dedim. baska bir buyuk sehir hemde suyu var! hindistan'dan sonra tasinacagim dedim eren'e. 'super ju super!' dedi. eren hep bana inandi. eren supheli gozle bakar ama benim kendime dedigim seye inanir (ben hemen inanmadigim zamanlarimda da).

eren'nin dediklerine ben inanirim. mesela viyanna'ya beraber gittigimizde 'her tarafa yuruyelim ve sehri oyle taniriz' demisti. yuruduk ve 4 gun metro'yu hemen hemen hic kullanmayip sadece yuruduk. allahin -10 derecesinde. eren yuruyuse gelince soyledigini yapar.


bodrumdaydik. ozge ve eren'le birlikteydim. cok cici arkadasimiz yaprak'a evlendiriyorduk. 'erken kalkip yuzelim' dedi eren. gece'nin 0200 de uyuyup 0830da kaltik ve yuzduk. su soguk, gozler yamuk yamuk bakiyor, benim gozler sis, saclar james brown tadinda...sabahin korunde yuzduk. dugun'de her zamanki gibi dans ettik. michael jackson caldi ve cildirdik. 'keep on with the force don't stop/ don't stop till you get enough' bizi bir cok duygusal krizlerimizde (yer onemli degil) kurtardi. michael jackson kurtarmistir ve ikincisi cikolata. cikolata hayranligimiz sonsuzdur.

eren hayatima bazi konularda (yuruyus, yuzmek ve dans gibi) hayatima renk katiyor. londradayken cin restoran'da olsun, portobello'da yerel halkin moda tasarimlari, bisikletle yagmurda yine sis gozlerle bisiklet turu...muthis renkler bunlar. ve hepsi arkadasimin benim paylastigi renkler...

change and standing still

what never changes is change itself. riiiight! and what must one do when its happening? not panicking... riiiight! ever noticed what happens to you when you have a craving and you took care of it, or you cry your eyes out, or you get really super angry, what happens after?

one calms down. and for a few seconds there is peace. the kind of peace one feels when snorkeling on a hot day, or sleeping after an exhausting day at work, or after yoga class, or when holding your new born baby. that peace is equivalent to happiness. it is a moment fully lived. it is a moment paid attention to completely.


and that is standing still when events around you are changing. each moment there are unseen events- your cheek cells are reproducing because you bit your cheek accidently, your kidneys are working and your eyes are looking for the bathroom as you shop at a mall, your friend is tring to reach you on your cell to tell you she is getting married, a plane schedule is changed due to a hurricane, others are hammering down planks on their windows to sheild against the wind...

and amidst these multitude of events, we are all changing physically within whilst an unchanging part of us is connected to each other trying to live moments as they reveal themselves...

beylerbeyi palace

it's not a palace many people visit or seem to know much about. it isn't as big as dolmabahce but with 26 grand rooms, beautiful gardens, facing the bosphorous with the view of the bridge...it has much to offer. i had not been to a palace for years so getting a tour from a tour guide, and rules to not take pictures without having had permission which is shown by a 'permission tag' for your camera...needless to say i was impressed. saturdays and sundays are discount days which is always a treat when one doesn't know what to expect.


ege. ege is a good friend of mine who like me has led an interesting life of travel, adventure and her own share of roughing it in life. she is nuts about old historical architecture and is just as passionate about cultural heritages in abu dhabi as she is about istanbul. she was the perfect person to go to beylerbeyi palace with.

firstly a little bite to eat at the coast of beylerbeyi is a good idea. one has the atmosphere and it is a lesser rip off version of ortakoy. beylerbeyi is close to the bus stops and easy to get to. the tour guides were very capable and friendly. since beylerbeyi palace is open to wedding ceremonies sometimes there are a few complications; famous or politically strong indivuduals cannot be turned down and the place ends up like a garbage dump. besides that beylerbeyi is beautiful.

each room had a name, each room had a theme, each door had a different door knob painting and each ceiling was spectacular. i love it when my eyes sweep up upwards. i don't want everything to be at eyelevel aaallll the time you know. ege's passion for preservation came out with the move to complain to the authorities about the treatment of the grounds by allowing loud and crowded wedding parties with no regard to history.


the doors were ornate. i have always liked strong doors. i like doors with character. doors say so much about a house. for example to red doors of apartments in cambridge. bright and coinfident. the gold and black doors at beylerbeyi was saturated with pride and humble grandeur. it was the summer home of sultan abdulaziz and those who came after him. that is also where they entertained heads of state.

anyone who comes to istanbul and is not interested in the asian side should take a trip out to beylerbeyi. it's a pleasant relief from the crowds one finds at all the sights on the european side.

istanbul duraklarinda...

yoga ders'ten cikmisim, gece olmus, hava serin, bogaz'dan pufur pufur ruzgar esiyor. sahil yolunda bir dugun var herhalde, gelis trafigi yogun, gidis akici. bir minibus yildirim gibi gecti, isaret parmagimi kaldirdim, durmadi. otobus duragina yurudum.

durak'ta bir amca. yola bakiyordu, beni hissetti, dondu. onceden paldir kuldur yururdum, artik o da degisti. dondu ve gulumsedi. kadikoy'e mi gideceksin sordu. yoo dedim, uskudar'a iskele'ye dedim. ziyaretcisin galiba dedi. evet dedim ama buralari cok seviyorum dedim (cok anlamsiz bir sey demis oldum da oyle iste). 300 senedir burdayim dedim. nasi yaniii dedim icimden. 4 nesil biz kandilli'de yasadik dedi. haaaaa anladiim dedim icimden. emlak ofisim karsida dedi, gel bir cay'a dedi. aa dedim oluur gelirim. buralarda istiyorum ev dedim, veee dolmus geldi, atladim, vinnn firladim.


ismi ozer bey. eskiden denizci, 20 senedir emlakci. sokak kedileri ve kopekleri yasatan ve yardim eden humanist arkadasim. dunya'yi gormus, baliklarin her cesidini bilen, hikaye anlatirken sinemadayim gibi hissettim. butun emlakci arkadaslarini aradi. cay, pogaca, brownielerle agarladi. gelen giden ona ugrayip sohbet ettik. seni korurum dedi ve sana istedigin evi de bulacagiz dedi sen inaniyorsan ben de inaniyorum dedi.

kendim mahalleleri dolastim, sicaktan delirecektim galiba. ozer bey'e gittim, serinledim. bugun bir numarayla piyangoyu kacirmis. 5 bilmis! milli piyango idaresinden parayi almis. dondurma istermisin diye sordu. su icmek istedim. hadi on numara senin sansina oynayalim dedi. suyumu icerken kafama gelen numaralari karaladim. arkadasim bizi alacak ve bir yer gosterecek dedi. daire'yi gordum ve inanamadim. bu kadar mi cici ve harika olur. istedigim hersey icinde. hemde binada ciddi kendi ayaklarinda duran bekar bayanlarla dolu...manzara istiyordum...aydinlik istiyordum... guvenli ortam istiyordum...temiz ve ferrah, tatli ev sahibi olmasi da bir bonus...

inanamiyorum. otobus duraginda bir minik sohbet nerelere getirdi beni. hem ev getirdi hemde bir denizci arkadas...

so what's yoga anyway?

do you know how many people have asked me what 'yogo' was? many. many people. most people are under the impression that yoga is this group of people trying hard to get their bodies into these weird contortions. hardly. yoga is not about those contortions, it's the path that leads one to look beyond the senses.

it's not easy. yoga has been in my life since i was 16. and i am still trying to live yoga in my life. yoga is a way of life. it's a choice. i choose to be happy and to be free. it's a choice to wake up every morning with that. it's tough being free in the world we live in. i would rather give a shoulder massage to the cashier than pay money for groceries. i wish everyone was biking in istanbul. i want to eat chocolate for breakfast, lunch and dinner and not have to think about cellulite. so even at the tiniest level of existence being free is not simple. but what is simple is making the choice to be simple.

simplicity can start from giving away clothes you haven't worn for 2 years, buying detergent that is environmently friendly, giving a compliment to someone or just going for a walk after work and switching off your cellphone. simplicity is cleaning out what you do not really need. do you really need to have a kofte ekmek in the middle of the night knowing you are going to suffer the consequences all night long? do you really need to make excuses to not meet a friend instead of just saying "let's meet another day"?


what has yoga done for me? it helped me cope with life for starters. just doing the sun salutation in the morning helps me feel alive. you go through a routine and you feel safe but how safe is it? it's a whirlpool of kidding yourself that you are living life but are you able to do what you want at any point of the day? do you know what you want? to answer some of these questions of course you need time! and time's only responsbility is to keep going. it's a rule for me to make time for myself everyday and that means not answering emails, not talking on the phone with my mom, not runnig after errands. all that are resoponsibilities. making time for yourself is just being. you could be in the car at a red light and make time for yourself by going blank. going blank is tough. the times i have been blank involuntarily have been when someone told me shocking news or i fell hard when playing. here's news for you: go blank once a day and things become clearer. when i made the choice to live certain moments in awareness i go blank and i am all there in that moment. it's in what deepak chopra calls 'the gap' that one becomes the most alert, where one can create their dreams and one where there is peace. this blankness can also be achieved in yoga poses that are held for a long period of time.

enough about yoga for now. try to go blank for at least 30 seconds. the trick is to watch and concentrate what thought is going to pop up next in your mind.

evin olmasi ne demek

istanbul'da kac ev degistirdim henuz evim diyebilecek bir yerim yok. tamam arkadaslarimin evleri bana hep acik ama herseyin bir suresi var ve ileri gitmek zorundasin. "ileri gitmek" de ne demek? kendini asmak, yeni olanaklara acik olmak, karsi koymamak...3 sene onceki halimden ilerideyim mesela. of biraz rahatladim.

pakistan'da dogdum ve buyudum, amerika`da universite hayati ve is hayatini yasadim, turkiye`ye gelip dunya'yi gezme firsatlarini yakaladim...ve nerde en rahat hayati yasadim karar veremedim. yasamimin her suresi farkli bir irem'in ilerlemesini gosterdi. simdi amerika'ya gitsem tuhaf olur. guney amerika olabilir mesela. ama cok hizli olmama gerek yok. daha 7 aydir istanbul'da bir hayat kurmaya calisyorum ve bunca senenin tecrubesinden sonra da kolay degilmis.

onceki kaldigim evlere baktigim zaman hepsi birbirinden farkli. biri deniz kenarina yakin, biri orman'a, universite hayati nehir manzarayla gecti, florida'da gol ve orman icinde, ankara'da manzarasiz ama sehirden uzak ve sessiz bir daire'de...istanbul'da bogaz manzarasi sart degil ama yesillik, deniz ruzgari alan bir yer istiyorum. minik tatli yoga ve masaj seanslari yapilabilcek bir yer. evim artik olsun istiyorum. kac senedir her yerde kisa donemli ama uzun kalan yolcu gibiydim. istanbul'un ruhu bana uyuyor sanki. su anda en azindan... benim gercek evim denize sifir, allahin koyunde, kendi bahcem ve sessiz serin bir ev. yeni zelanda'da ya da peru'da. ruhumun huzurlu oldugu yer evimdir.

the cats in my life

i have never owned any cats. had a cat babysitting job way back when i was 10 but that was not a great experience for the cat. my relatives out in selcuk are cat freaks- cats having babies and the babies having more, feeding the cats on the streets, giving the babies away to deserving families, naming the kitties and watching them grow, cousins moving away and still getting reports of cats who have mysteriously disappeared or died in fights or hosed down during a fight (by my mother in her garden and that's one of her pet peeves).

yeah...in istanbul and living with my closest friends, crystal and scott. they came to turkey with 4 cats, all of which i will introduce shortly. they adopted 3 more from the streets of yenikoy. living with cats has not just been an unforgettable experience...it has been the only one and that makes it pretty special. i have learned more about yoga from cats than i did in my 4 week yoga course in india!

al. al is scott's baby. the sensitive delikanli in the house. al teaches the girls how to fight without hurting them, sleeps without snoring and does not push closed doors. he wants to be friends with everyone but is not insistent when it comes to human beings. he is insistent with bella who definitely does not want a platonic relationship with him.


beatrix also known as miss bee is al's best friend. she was the only one left in the pet store that scott found her at. he took her home to a weeping al who was lonely from having lost his feline friend. miss bee walked in, al and miss bee touched noses and they have been inseparable since. open hearts welcome the open hearted. miss bee gets bitchy with beautiful nina for reasons crystal and i cannot figure out. we believe it is the dynamic needed for the balance of energies.

nina. a grey blue half siamese cat, the prettiest and most spoilt of all. crystal's baby. she will never grow up. she reminds me of cleopatra...nina will just come to my room, gracefully hop on the bed and lay stretched out ready to be flattered and loved. she asks without being pushy and she does not flip out if you are unavailable at that moment. nina loves laying up high on doors, shelves and cabinets. she likes it up high because one can see a lot when removed from the chaos. i understand her...


bella. orange, chubby and a sleepy head. all she wants is to be left alone so she can get some quality sleep goddammit! she does not want to socialize or talk or meow, she just wants a breeze to chill out in. that's all. a cat who knows what she wants. how lucky for you if you know what you want. bella is adapting rather well to the heat of istanbul, she has previous experience of the humidity and heat of florida you see...


jack is the brother of megan. the 2 black kitties rescued from the dangerous streets of istanbul. their mother died fighting for their safety and crystal and scott made it their duty to take care of them. jack and meg are siblings but very different from each other. the only way to make out jack from meg is his big green eyes and panther like tail. megan is the tinier version of that except for the turkan soray kind of eyes. jack is the duh jockey who loves new things and will take unnnecessary risks. jack loves turkish food too. megan on the other hand is a cat from cat hell who believes she deserves everything she wants. she likes nibbling on arms, hands, chin when she is in a loving mood. she also likes to touch your face fiercely for no reason whatsoever. everyone stays away from her unless she approches someone.


little black and white, also known as LBW. she was rescued and had to go through a hind leg operation. she sits on window sills and human laps with the left hind leg outstretched, kind of like a sexy greta garbo pose. she does have a sexy tush which she keeps tight with frequent leg stretches. her fur is like a rabbit. LBW has become a house cat finally. she had a rough time just being home instead of being outside. scott always says, 'you can take the cat off the street but you can't take the street out of the cat!'


cats are amazing to watch. their adaptability, their love and caring, their reactions to conversations with them...they are yogic ALL the time. having them in my life has given me an inside look at how to just relax and live. one shouldn't make life so complicated...

annem

annemle olan iliskim degisyor. nasil anlatsam... biliyorum 40 yasima geldigimde de annem gibi davranmaya devam edecek- acikmissindir yemek isitayim mi sorular, dikkat ediyormusun kendine gibi sorusturmalar olacak ama istanbul'a tasindigimdan beri bir seyler degisti.

annem hic bir zaman mudahele eden biri olmadi. fikrini istedigim zaman acik ve nettir. onun fikri benim icin hep onemliydi ve cok etkilenirdim. istanbul kararim ne kadar ani de olsa 10 ay bahsetmistim ama ortada plan yoktu. annem plan sever. amerika'yi terk etmem de ani olmustu ve yine plan yoktu. ama nedense bu sefer tepkiler ve sozler az ve ozdu.

istanbul farkli bir hayata adimdi. nasil her tasinma gibi. burdaki tek fark annemin onayini almamistim ve tamamen fikir alisverisi yapmadan attigim bir adimdi. annem alinmaz. destegi hep vardir ama korkulari da var. kiminle kalacagim, ne kadar sureligine, is var mi, sigortasi var mi, maasi nasil... bu sorular benim icin anlamini yitirmisti. kendime olan guvenimi gec, evren'e olan guvenim goklerden yukariya dogru uzaniyordu. ve annem beni izleyerek, ve ben ona anlayis gostererek 6 ayim gecti.

selcuk'taydim gecen haftasonu. haftalardir benim moralimin bozuk oldugunu biliyordu ve soyledigi tek sey "ozledim, gel" dedi. gittim. onceki senelerin sorularini sormadi. sadece kollarindaymisim gibi bana olan guvenini tazeledi ve destekledi. yine destekledi... sessizce.



ihtiyacim olan da buydu. kararlar verdim ve bedeli var her kararin. bozuk kirik dokulen panik olan durum yoktu. istanbul'un dinamigine alismak zaman alacakti. annem bunu benden daha iyi biliyordu. evlenip hemen pakistan'a giden annem kizina verecegi akil ne olabilirdi ki? kendini unutma, dikkatli ol.

not far from istanbul

here's the deal, istanbul is amazing not because it's istanbul, the cliche everyone uses, you know the one about how istanbul brings the old with the new, it's the fact that things to do in istanbul never get exhausted. especially when one has adventurous friends like John.

John had been to Buyukada and had done plenty of exploring on the island. but he had never been to the island with moi :) one thing i learned from that trip was never to go on a Sunday that falls on a holiday. we happened to go on Father's Day and that was a mistake. the boats that left from kabatas was crowded enough that we even thought going was not a good idea. but both of us being hungry for a story we lept on the boat that had filled to capacity and was continuing to be filled. security boarded and stopped people from boarding. we were standing on the ropes when teenagers gave us their seats. yabanci treatment. it works when you want it to.

the boat ride was an hour and half, quite pleasant. next to us was a couple who had adopted a puppy and it looked like it was a little seasick. cruising by the other islands, hearing the familiar "cay! juice!" yells and of course just being on the sea was exhilarating. once we got on the island we rented bicycles for 15 liras each; John changed bikes quite a bit because the brakes were not that great. i got the girly bike with the basket. i felt like Mary Poppins. anyhow off we went dodging the horse shit all over the roads. extremely disturbing to see since all of them had these kaka baskets under them to prevent shitty roads.

Buyukada reminded me a little of the coast of Georgia. there was a map of the trails which i was impressed with and landmarks that were helpful. what one should know is that beaches that are close to the trails are over- crowded. john and i were in search of off- road trails that you only noticed if you were paying attention to what was on the edge of the mountain. we saw such a trail, parked our bikes and hiked down to only see that plenty of other people had the same intention as ours. we dipped our toes and knew we had to find a more isolated cove.



and we did! it was a cove that John had discovered in his previous visits. further up the long trail we jumped over a wall, hiked down a rocky cliff and found ourselves in a cove that could only remind one of Gumbet, Bodrum or even the beaches of Kas that one cannot go down to. there was a man fishing, a family hanging out on their own and the yabancis. little did they know that John knew the spot oh so well. we hiked a little up over a rocky area to find ourselves a smaller cove where we could comfortably sit and chat on a flat stone and swim in clear green freezing waters. after some sun and swim we headed back to downtown Buyukada for food. one will notice how my trips with John involve nothing more than swimming trunks and an intention to simply Be.

another place to getaway from istanbul on those days that you don't want to do anything but not stay at home either is to go towards Kilyos. towards Kilyos but not Kilyos itself. again on weekends it is "vıcık vıcık" (way too over- crowded for my taste) and base disco partisani kind of music that would make one flee. normal transportation goes there but not very often. best to borrow a friend's car for a day. driving through Belgrad forest on the way to Zekeriyakoy, seeing aquaducts, trees as old as your grandma's grandma... my eyes were relieved just to see green and smell pine. a drizzle and one has a total experience of being surrounded by natural beauty. felt like i was on holiday.

we arrived in Kilyos and saw a bazillion people on the beach, in the parking lots, on the roads. i instinctively knew there had to be other options. especially when options involved 30- 50 liras entrance per person! we fled the scene. we drove by 5 or 6 beaches and gauged from the view that there were more that we could discover. my theory was, the farther one goes the less human beings there will be. we saw a hand written sign for a beach and drove in. a beat up village-y looking cafe, a few people, mostly families barbequeing in the cafe area but not ON the beach (very crucial point here). we decided to check it out since we had not had something to eat for ages. all we had was our swim gear. the owner was sweet, made us vegetarian sandwiches, the ones where they cut a huge loaf of bread in half and fill it up with cheese and tomatoes and peppers. a fincan of tea and we were ready to swim. but we had only our swim gear. nooo money. we just had enough to pay for our sandwiches. when we asked for the bill i even managed to say "hesap az olsun paramiz yok" (make sure the bill is little because we don't have money). couldn't believe i said that!! the sweet owner gave us a discount on the entrance fee, buy one the second is free. with that we were left with small change in our pockets.

the beach was wonderful. the waves were high, the tide was strong, it almost pulled my bikini down. John explained the difference between United Kingdom and England by drawing a map in the sand, and the sun behind the clouds gave us a pinkish hue. the bathrooms were worse than india so it wasn't all that blissful. but we found the isolated beach afterall.

tangoyla kadinliga dogru

"kadinlarin kariyerinde yaptiklari 101 hata" diye bir kitap okuyorum. kizlik zihinden cikip kadin olmak ne icerir onu anlatiyor. bu kitap kafamdaki kadinlikla ilgili sorularimi ve onunla gelen sorumluluk ve davranislarindan bahsediyor. aslinda bir bucuk senedir tango derslerde ogreniyorum ama uygulamada tabiiii kiii zorlaniyorum.


tango maco dansi degil. cok esit ve adil bir dans. kadin ve erkek rolleri ayri ve o rolleri oynadiktan sonra muthis bir birlesim ortaya cikiyor. gecenlerde milli maci bir arkadasimin evinde izledik ve aramizda iki bucuk yil tango yapan bir Hisar arkadasla terasta cep telefondan cikan bir sarkiya tango yaptik. terasta esiyor, kafam guzel bir cakir keyif, kollarina aldi, kapali tutusta, uzun boyluda, parmak uclarimda kaldirdi dondurdu adim attirdi oynatti ve bir cok hareketi o rahatlikta yapmis oldum. kendime inanamadim. hisar'la dans ederken ankara'da dogac'in sozleri aklima geliyordu
"rahat olunca hareket edebiliyorsun"
"gorunuste fit ol ama icin rahat olsun"
"benim komutlara dikkat et"
"acele etme"
bunlar hep zaten duydugum seyler ama dansta partnerimin soylemesi ve erkek kadin iliskilerindeki dinamigi tanimlayan sozler beni tamamen sok etmisti. hayatimizin her alaninda insan iliskileri ve kendimizi tanima firsati sunuluyor. tango'da kendimi nasil tasimaliyim, tepkisel degil de kendimi erkegin komut cercevesinde ifade edebilmek sanat oldugunu anladim. partnerim bensiz dans edemez yani baska partner bulur- komik oldu bu- ama hareketi hissettirmek onun gorevi ve benim gorevim hareketi ruhumla ifade edip donguyu bitrmek ki ondan sonraki harekete izin vereyim.

teras'ta ilk defa milonga olmayan bir ortamda, dans salonu ve hocalarin olmayan bir yerde dans ettim. tamamen spontane ve keyif icin yapilan bir eylem. o bes dakikalik anda, ayagimdaki terliklerle, arkadaki mac spiker'in ve gece ucan martilarin sesleriyle dolu olan, teras isiklarinda, kendimi kadin gibi hissettim.

about time

it's not journal writing time, it's just time to get up and start expressing and putting it out there. the other day as i was chatting with a friend at the studio about what our purpose in life was, i said something to the effect of "i want to make a difference in people's lives" and she said, "you best say you want to share your experiences with people, the other way is a really strong approach".
so here it is.
what i see and how i see it.