i decided to go to ankara this weekend. it was the only available weekend i could pull off a visit to friends and my urban shamanic gypsy woman melek. what she is does is truly authentic, no weird strange potions, no dancing, no weird headwear...she heats lead to a boil, covers my body with a sheet, then splashes the lead into water. i think it's all very electro-magnetic in nature. she does it twice and then reads the warped lead in the water. very simple. and no i don't think i am getting lead poisoning from this.
once done i feel like i have just been at a 3 hour meditation session. which is why whatever happened happened because i was so relaxed. i went to mavi jeans to get a small present for a friend of mine i was staying at, duly paid it and left. the next afternoon i hopped on the bus and came right back to istanbul and straight to crystal's, the birthday girl. and that's when i noticed my wallet was missing.
it's an awful feeling. it's one thing to know you were robbed but to not know where your wallet is a whole different nightmare. after getting everyone to do an emotional flip in ankara and in istanbul i decided to cancel my credit card when i was told that the card had been cancelled already. the day before. i had noticed my wallet was missing for 24 hours even though i had cleaned my bag the morning i left ankara!!
apparently i had left it at mavi jeans. they send it out to me today.
when i was looking at myself during this entire ordeal i was just not looking forward to reissuing everything. ID card, social security, cards...and my piece of lead was in there too...
oh yeah simplify is the way to go. all direction point to "simplify".
12.21.2009
12.14.2009
dusunceler
yil sonu ve bu yil nasil gecti degerlendirmeler kafami dolduruyor. yani insanoglu nasil bir sey...dusun babam dusun nereye kadar. yapacagim dedigin seyleri yerine getiriyorsun ve tatminlik duygusu 3 dakika suruyor sonra devam, ayni carki devam ediyor.
yedigoller'den dondukten sonra eren babasini kaybettigini haberi geldi. baba kayibi tuhaf oluyor. var olan biri, farkli bir sehirde, farkli bir yasam suren bir insan bir anda hayatindan cikmis oluyor. cok tuhaf. butun hafta kafam o duygulari bir anlasilabilir paket haline sokmaya calistim ve beceremedim galiba. tek bir gercek var- o da biz burda geciciyiz ve hayatimizi guzel yasamaliyiz. bunun ustune sanki duygular hafif gelmis gibi, gecmis yasam terapisine gittim. yil sonu ya, iste ne ogrenebilirsem kendi hakkimda o kadar iyi. yaaaaani.
evet evet oyle (der irem'in ikizi).
ve kendi hakkimda ogrendikce, derinlere indikce, ne kadar cok ta kalibim varmis onu gormus oluyorum. yani bunun hepsi 54 kiloluk vucudumda tasidigim seyler. tasi babam tasi. niye hayatimi zorlastiriyorum? ne geregi var? iste bu da bir kalip. hayat zor.
zor degiiiil. algi neyse hayat o. basit.
iste 2010'un temasi bu olacak. basitlikte mutluluk var. hersey hep basitti, komplike olupta ne kazaniyoruz ki?
yedigoller'den dondukten sonra eren babasini kaybettigini haberi geldi. baba kayibi tuhaf oluyor. var olan biri, farkli bir sehirde, farkli bir yasam suren bir insan bir anda hayatindan cikmis oluyor. cok tuhaf. butun hafta kafam o duygulari bir anlasilabilir paket haline sokmaya calistim ve beceremedim galiba. tek bir gercek var- o da biz burda geciciyiz ve hayatimizi guzel yasamaliyiz. bunun ustune sanki duygular hafif gelmis gibi, gecmis yasam terapisine gittim. yil sonu ya, iste ne ogrenebilirsem kendi hakkimda o kadar iyi. yaaaaani.
evet evet oyle (der irem'in ikizi).
ve kendi hakkimda ogrendikce, derinlere indikce, ne kadar cok ta kalibim varmis onu gormus oluyorum. yani bunun hepsi 54 kiloluk vucudumda tasidigim seyler. tasi babam tasi. niye hayatimi zorlastiriyorum? ne geregi var? iste bu da bir kalip. hayat zor.
zor degiiiil. algi neyse hayat o. basit.
iste 2010'un temasi bu olacak. basitlikte mutluluk var. hersey hep basitti, komplike olupta ne kazaniyoruz ki?
12.11.2009
yedigoller
kamp yaptik yedigoller'de. harika bir yer. istanbul'dan 4.5 saat filan. bolu'dan sonra yollar yol olmaktan cikiyor. dag'a gelince bir tek levha var, "yedigoller 15 km" yaziyor ve 1.5 saatte anca gidiyorsun. araba saglam olacak, camur derin. off road jeepler filan orda camurda oynamaya gelmis, eglenceli gozukuyordu.
asil bahar ve son bahar'da guzel olur. biz 9 kadin, 4 erkek gittik, birbirimizden farkli. soforumuz film star gibi, tur liderimiz rizeli ve hikayeler anlatan bir tip. ben, eren, gizem ve burcu enteresan tayfa olarak grupta yer aliyorduk.
yuruyusler, agaclar, her taraftan akan sular, gollerin uzerindeki sari yapraklar, sis ve serpistiren yagmur...tam masal gibi bir yer iste.
daha anlatacaklarim var, resimlerle. simdi vapura yetismem gerekiyor!
12.02.2009
amsterdam and coming home
coming home feels good. i don't think i remember having felt this strongly about feeling good coming home before. i love the travel bit ^don't get me wrong. this time it was amsterdam. with crystal and scott. jesus they are funny people. we walked and walked in the streets, in the cold and sometimes in the rain. we met artists. we ate oily balls, mexican and indian. i saw old friends from my ankara days...a full 4 day vacation. perfect place for 4 days. in the spring actually great weather for cycling (even though the weather does not stop the dutch from biking anywhere anytime).
and back to istanbul. i think this place is addictive. the speed is addictive; the people is both claustrophobic but also amazingly freeing because you feel anonymous. and anonymity means not feeling responsible. which is the cancer that is here. i won't fall into that trap. but istanbul has an intoxicating dynamism that no other place has. well maybeeee new york...
and back to istanbul. i think this place is addictive. the speed is addictive; the people is both claustrophobic but also amazingly freeing because you feel anonymous. and anonymity means not feeling responsible. which is the cancer that is here. i won't fall into that trap. but istanbul has an intoxicating dynamism that no other place has. well maybeeee new york...
11.24.2009
sadece kitap okumak
kitap okumak gercekten benim sevgilim olabilir. yani beni eglendiren, dusunduren, duslerime ates veren, koltukta onunla birlikte uyumam...sevgiliden istediklerim iste. haftasonu sadece ve sadece kitap okudum. arkadasimin yazdigi kitabi bitirdim, "into thin air"i yariladim, "seven habits of effective poeple"i bitiriyordum ve gozlerim agrimaya basladi. sonra da mum isigina bakip trataka yapmaya basladim ki guclensin.
11.14.2009
daido moriyama
i think he is the inspiration in photography i have been looking for. he is not looking for images, he is just taking pictures because he can't stop.
http://www.moriyamadaido.com/english/
and check out his youtube documentaries especially
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LGv1xwrHMHs&feature=related
http://www.moriyamadaido.com/english/
and check out his youtube documentaries especially
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LGv1xwrHMHs&feature=related
11.10.2009
saash
that's my yoga teacher. mysore style ashtanga is what he does. he is amazing. anyone who wants to build up on endurance and MORE flexibility needs to give this yoga style a shot. the fact that saash is iranian, living and teaching in turkey stretches ones imagination. and one other thing, yoga teachers need to go for yoga lessons too. who says teachers are done being taught.
10 kasim
konsolosluga gidiyordum, taksimdeydim, taksici radyo sesini cok acmisti, 09.05'i sayan bir genc adam. saniye saniye saydi ve herkes durdu, arabasindan cikti, kornalar basildi. cok duygulandim. neden agliyorsun kendime defalarca sordum ve uzuldugumu anladim. asker gibi 09.05'da 1 dakika saygi durusunda durabiliyoruz ama ulkemize saygimiz bitti. sigara izmaritlerini halen sokaklarda sonduruyoruz, halen pet sislerimizi denize atiyoruz, sirada bekleyenleri kayle almadan one geciyoruz..daha var, listem uzun ama burda yazmayim. onun icin uzuldum. hepsi yalan. ataturk icin saygimiz var ama ulkeye gelince davranislarimiz ters. o bir dakikalik birligimiz gercekten sadece o dakika icin.
11.03.2009
10.20.2009
dogumgunu sonrasi
nasil desem, otuz yaslari gercekten guzel. farkli bir farkindalik var. oldugu gibi yasama arzusu daha agir basiyor, surekli mucadele hali orani dusuyor buluyorum. hos bir dogum gunu haftasi oldu ki bitmedi galiba. daha kahve muhabbet edilecek arkadaslar kaldi ve birlikte olmak icin iyi bir bahane. eren, emel, ayse ve erginle asmali mescit'te yemek yedik (ekim'de doganlar grubu), ismini unuttum simdi ama tiklim tiklim insan ortami degildi, sigara dumanindan gozlerim yanmadi. meze arkasindan goksel'i izledik ve odasinda beklerken deli deli takildik. aklimdaki son karem emel'in ve eren'in plastik kaktusle sarki soylediklerini hatirliyorum.
ertesi gun crystal, scott ve yedi kedileriyle gecirdim. thai yemegi yapmisti ve "european vacation" filmini izledik. eski chevy chase filmi. acayip komik. kedilerle oynamak, gelecek sene neler bekliyor, facebook'ta kim ne yapmis ve neden insanlari takip ediyoruz ki muhabbetinden sonra gece gordugum dans ederken ruyamla yeni dogum yilima merhaba demis oldum.
bahanelerden kacarim ama hediye almak icin bahane uydururum. buyuk haber: kanepe aldim. L seklinde. ve sari. cok dusundum hatta buyuk bir kose donecegimi bilerek tamam dedim. esya kendimizin uzantisi sonucta. beni ifade edecek esya 100% etmeli. salonuma biri gelse 1 dakika icinde irem'in kim oldugunu az cok bilmeli dedim kendime. ve sari L kanepe, yesil perdelerle, kirmizi kitapligimla, ve disarida minik bahcemle sicak ve ferah gozukucegini inandim. patronum bourgeouis oluyorsun galiba dedi, bende kendi yasam stilimi baskalarina empoze etmek istemedigimi soyledim. yerde oturmak benim icin rahat, ama annem dahil 5 dakika sonrasi soylenir.
31 ekim'de geliyor, heyecanliyim. o zamana kadar dogumgunu kutlamam tam bir ay surecegini dusunuyorum.
ertesi gun crystal, scott ve yedi kedileriyle gecirdim. thai yemegi yapmisti ve "european vacation" filmini izledik. eski chevy chase filmi. acayip komik. kedilerle oynamak, gelecek sene neler bekliyor, facebook'ta kim ne yapmis ve neden insanlari takip ediyoruz ki muhabbetinden sonra gece gordugum dans ederken ruyamla yeni dogum yilima merhaba demis oldum.
bahanelerden kacarim ama hediye almak icin bahane uydururum. buyuk haber: kanepe aldim. L seklinde. ve sari. cok dusundum hatta buyuk bir kose donecegimi bilerek tamam dedim. esya kendimizin uzantisi sonucta. beni ifade edecek esya 100% etmeli. salonuma biri gelse 1 dakika icinde irem'in kim oldugunu az cok bilmeli dedim kendime. ve sari L kanepe, yesil perdelerle, kirmizi kitapligimla, ve disarida minik bahcemle sicak ve ferah gozukucegini inandim. patronum bourgeouis oluyorsun galiba dedi, bende kendi yasam stilimi baskalarina empoze etmek istemedigimi soyledim. yerde oturmak benim icin rahat, ama annem dahil 5 dakika sonrasi soylenir.
31 ekim'de geliyor, heyecanliyim. o zamana kadar dogumgunu kutlamam tam bir ay surecegini dusunuyorum.
10.09.2009
birthdays
my best ever birthday was when i was 10. everyone i invited came. one of the most important achievements for a 10 year old. and i knew something was up when the numbers lined up, 10th birthday of my life on the 10th day of the 10th month.
and here i am forgetting how old i am. i used to be 25 until i turned 30. and now heading towards 35...the less celebratory i become and the more i feel "yes i love my thirties but the numbers just bother me". i feel this pressure to celebrate or do"something" like i feel on new years eve. you-have-to-be-with-someone pressure.
hell it would be nice to be with someone but if there isn't the nice people i have in my life already are great to start with and end my life with. so my gratitude goes out to all my buddies here and far. i try to imagine life without them and it is hard to imagine it. simple as that. it is very easy to imagine the old ex-es not being in my life. so birthdays...thank you for the kind thoughts and for the friendships that make life interesting and beautiful. the irem here couldn't have been the irem now without any of you.
and here i am forgetting how old i am. i used to be 25 until i turned 30. and now heading towards 35...the less celebratory i become and the more i feel "yes i love my thirties but the numbers just bother me". i feel this pressure to celebrate or do"something" like i feel on new years eve. you-have-to-be-with-someone pressure.
hell it would be nice to be with someone but if there isn't the nice people i have in my life already are great to start with and end my life with. so my gratitude goes out to all my buddies here and far. i try to imagine life without them and it is hard to imagine it. simple as that. it is very easy to imagine the old ex-es not being in my life. so birthdays...thank you for the kind thoughts and for the friendships that make life interesting and beautiful. the irem here couldn't have been the irem now without any of you.
10.04.2009
where am i
imf meetings in istanbul. it's not as crazy and chaotic as i thought it would be. the congress centre is packed. we are in an impenetrable bubble where the food costs more than it would in an airport and the offices become heavy and hard to be in after lunch time.
but it is interesting. people going from one room to another for meetings, people going up and down the escalators, security hovering around everywhere, cleaning people continuously cleaning.
it is a busy bee kind of atmosphere here. i will probably process my feelings about all this next week.
but it is interesting. people going from one room to another for meetings, people going up and down the escalators, security hovering around everywhere, cleaning people continuously cleaning.
it is a busy bee kind of atmosphere here. i will probably process my feelings about all this next week.
9.23.2009
bayramoglu'nda bayram
bayramoglu gecmislerde donmus kalmis istanbul'a yakin, istanbullularla dolu ama bu bayram pek kimsenin olmadigi bir kasabamsi seker bir yer. taksi duragin ismi mesela hegzagone. anlamadim.
eren, ben, burcu, gulyuz, melis, omur ve uraz cekirdek ekiptik. burcu omur'un yegeni, omur aile arkadas, gulyuz eren'in annesi, melis eren'in kiz kardesi, ve uraz omur'un oglu. ve ben. uraz jazz calar, polonya'da yasamis, gemi de calmis ve elektronik teknolojik anlamda tam bir mcgyver. melis okcu ve grafiker. gulyuz kizlarina tapan anne ve marti gibi kahkaha atan harika bir insan. omur senelerdir eren'in ailesinde olan biri ve tartismayi seven, senin dusundugunun tam tersini soyleyen bir kisi. tartisma kaslarini cok iyi calistirir. burcu new york'ta yasamis, galerist'te calismis, simdi de benim gibi isini seven ve tatillerine duskun olan bir kisi. seneler once maket bicagi ile parmagini kesen bir insan (ben de balta ile kesmistim). eren hep ve her zaman kosmayi isteyen, damagina duskun, hayallerimizi beraber kurabilecegim arkadasim. cok gulduk.
bayramoglu'nda 70lerin evleri, genis, cam mekan, buyuk bahceler, bol yesillik, evlerin iskeleleri eskimis ama yine de minik teknelerin oldugu, komsular birbirlerinin hayatlarini takip eden ve unutmayan insanlarla dolu bir kasaba.
eren, burcu ve ben kostuk, melis bize bisiklette rotayi gosterdi. herkesin gorevi ilk gunden itibaren oturdu. melis acma alir sabahlari, geceleri cekirdek. eren ilk kalkar ve bir onceki gun egsersiz programini belirler. burcu bu egsersiz programin saatlerini belirler ve isteyenlere duyurur. uraz teknik destek verir, ipod'tan muzik setine kablo kisa devreler, filmlerin kanallari belirler. gulyuz ve omur butun konulari ortak alanlara atar ve tartismaya acar. ve tabi ki herkesin midesini doyurur (tok olsun olmasin). bu arada hayvanat bahcesine gittik ve birlikte maymunlari seyrettik. hayvanlari gormek, yeni seyler ogrenmek iyi de, hapsolmak uzdu hepmizi. huzunlu donduk.
cok yedim, cok ictim, yoga ve kosu, yuruyus ve soguk su da yuzme, filmler seyretme ve kadinlar arasi sohbetle bayram gecti. bir bayram daha gecti.
eren, ben, burcu, gulyuz, melis, omur ve uraz cekirdek ekiptik. burcu omur'un yegeni, omur aile arkadas, gulyuz eren'in annesi, melis eren'in kiz kardesi, ve uraz omur'un oglu. ve ben. uraz jazz calar, polonya'da yasamis, gemi de calmis ve elektronik teknolojik anlamda tam bir mcgyver. melis okcu ve grafiker. gulyuz kizlarina tapan anne ve marti gibi kahkaha atan harika bir insan. omur senelerdir eren'in ailesinde olan biri ve tartismayi seven, senin dusundugunun tam tersini soyleyen bir kisi. tartisma kaslarini cok iyi calistirir. burcu new york'ta yasamis, galerist'te calismis, simdi de benim gibi isini seven ve tatillerine duskun olan bir kisi. seneler once maket bicagi ile parmagini kesen bir insan (ben de balta ile kesmistim). eren hep ve her zaman kosmayi isteyen, damagina duskun, hayallerimizi beraber kurabilecegim arkadasim. cok gulduk.
bayramoglu'nda 70lerin evleri, genis, cam mekan, buyuk bahceler, bol yesillik, evlerin iskeleleri eskimis ama yine de minik teknelerin oldugu, komsular birbirlerinin hayatlarini takip eden ve unutmayan insanlarla dolu bir kasaba.
eren, burcu ve ben kostuk, melis bize bisiklette rotayi gosterdi. herkesin gorevi ilk gunden itibaren oturdu. melis acma alir sabahlari, geceleri cekirdek. eren ilk kalkar ve bir onceki gun egsersiz programini belirler. burcu bu egsersiz programin saatlerini belirler ve isteyenlere duyurur. uraz teknik destek verir, ipod'tan muzik setine kablo kisa devreler, filmlerin kanallari belirler. gulyuz ve omur butun konulari ortak alanlara atar ve tartismaya acar. ve tabi ki herkesin midesini doyurur (tok olsun olmasin). bu arada hayvanat bahcesine gittik ve birlikte maymunlari seyrettik. hayvanlari gormek, yeni seyler ogrenmek iyi de, hapsolmak uzdu hepmizi. huzunlu donduk.
cok yedim, cok ictim, yoga ve kosu, yuruyus ve soguk su da yuzme, filmler seyretme ve kadinlar arasi sohbetle bayram gecti. bir bayram daha gecti.
9.04.2009
breaking down walls
i guess i have some high walls, for protection, for easy attack, for comfortable observation...i know that at most stages of my life these walls were and still are being raided and ambushed upon, so that i can see who i really am.
i saw that recently at a past life regression therapy. now i go once every year but this time i went with the intention to go deeper and i was ready. simply because walls need maintenance and it gets tiring. with different kinds of therapy i think it is possible to breakdown those barriers and be accepting. it could be scary but it does bring you to a state of peace with whatever blockage one feels they are experiencing. it's more than just having had a past life. it is truly about manifesting the soul's true intention here in the present one knows.
8.26.2009
8.25.2009
connections that remind me...
that there is so much more to life than what we are able to see and feel. i have tried hard all my life to make conscious changes, running away from fear of being static...istanbul is one of those places where it feels like one has to run to keep up with the dynamism and then i go to selcuk for 4 days and my steps become instantly slower. it's crazy.
these days i have been what most people would call confused. not outwardly though. if i were to look at myself objectively at what is going on within i think i am confused. but last night i realised i wasn't. it's like a ping pong match i have with myself and my thoughts. thoughts tire me at some point. i stop them by labelling it for example "thinking thinking thinking" or "looking looking looking". and then as i go for a pee break at the office something random pops into my head and then it happens 3 minutes later. there are many moments when i would like to be transported to india and just be away and then i squarely ask myself if i am not happy to be where i am. and the answer is yes i am pretty cool where i am. then what's this millisecond transportation somewhere else that occurs every now and then... i don't know.
i have been meeting some inspirational people lately. and the truth is there are inspirational people in my life ALL of the time such as my boss, eren, crystal, alan, gale, dirk, emine, ayla and innumerable friends i could go on and on talking about. it's people that help me stay alive. definitely. i get it. and then there are people one meets, suddenly, unexpectedly that takes your breath away. i met an amazing man this past weekend, spent a total of 4 hours and thought this was what connection means. this is what inspiration is. it inspired me to connect with myself. it was a reminder. and i need it so much more often living in this city. i felt i had been de-sensitized having lived through all that i have (let's not go through those experiences) and then suddenly voila (!) a spark of pink, red and orange that had been in the dark for so long.
these days i have been what most people would call confused. not outwardly though. if i were to look at myself objectively at what is going on within i think i am confused. but last night i realised i wasn't. it's like a ping pong match i have with myself and my thoughts. thoughts tire me at some point. i stop them by labelling it for example "thinking thinking thinking" or "looking looking looking". and then as i go for a pee break at the office something random pops into my head and then it happens 3 minutes later. there are many moments when i would like to be transported to india and just be away and then i squarely ask myself if i am not happy to be where i am. and the answer is yes i am pretty cool where i am. then what's this millisecond transportation somewhere else that occurs every now and then... i don't know.
i have been meeting some inspirational people lately. and the truth is there are inspirational people in my life ALL of the time such as my boss, eren, crystal, alan, gale, dirk, emine, ayla and innumerable friends i could go on and on talking about. it's people that help me stay alive. definitely. i get it. and then there are people one meets, suddenly, unexpectedly that takes your breath away. i met an amazing man this past weekend, spent a total of 4 hours and thought this was what connection means. this is what inspiration is. it inspired me to connect with myself. it was a reminder. and i need it so much more often living in this city. i felt i had been de-sensitized having lived through all that i have (let's not go through those experiences) and then suddenly voila (!) a spark of pink, red and orange that had been in the dark for so long.
8.18.2009
the selcuk area
there is something about selcuk i cannot seem to detach myself from. okay so my family is out there but even if they weren't i would go. the quaintness, the locals all talking about the same thing (namely storks flying south, the highway authorities doing a crappy job, the call to prayer being just way too loud), the saturday bazaar and being so close to sirince and kusadasi. and finally being just a hop skip and a jump from ephesus.
sirince has changed over the years. even though their wines have improved i don't think they are "ready". but good job to them for the marketing that brings hundreds to that tiny mountain village. eren and i met a jeweller there who made all the jewellery in the movie "troy". he had several pictures of brad pitt on his walls. we wore a few and loved the pieces. as you can see i have said nothing about having bought them...then there is uzum cafe when climbing towards the baptist church.
uzum was restored by my uncle and has the most charming garden and terrace out back. sitki is its sweet owner. while we were sitting having our coffee 2 huge men came to ask him for directions and permission to use his grounds to explore the streets out back and spat out a gruffy "iyi akshamlarrr". we blurted out a "bonsoir" as they stared at us. and then the church. it has been recently opened after its restoration. i found it corny to bave a wishing fountain there as did a 5 year old who came with her parents. i think it's becoming a little old with the wishing trees and fountains and wells...
ephesus was as always spectacular. the best time to go is in the fall but if one has no choice but to go any other time of the year it is in your best interest to go in the early morning time. the marble reflects on your skin and causes a slight hyperventilation situation even after a ton of hydrating drinks. for some reason i have not taken heed of my own advice and end up there in the maximum heat of the day EACH TIME. and each time i say no more. the terrace houses are a treat but an extra entrance fee which makes my blood boil (due to the heat of course :P)
kusadasi itself is a place i stray away from. there is a chaos that is neither charming or helpful (as it would be in india for example). it makes me impatient. the only place in kusadasi that i enjoy going to and have an unforgettable time at is the Delta Menderes Milli Park an hour drive away past Davutlar. the beaches there are pebbly and the water is clear...and freezing. its worth going to definitely for a beach experience where there are no banana boats, para sailing, screaming children or the smell of barbecuing. it has the woods behind you and trails you can walk on either before or after your swim. my cousin had long time ago found a gold ring at the bottom of the water. it's that clear. reminds me of the water in olympos...yes there is cafe. 4 beaches in that park, the last one is the best.
selcuk is a place i bring all my friends. it's one of the few places in turkey where there are innumerable things to see and do and not feel like one is spending a fortune.
sirince has changed over the years. even though their wines have improved i don't think they are "ready". but good job to them for the marketing that brings hundreds to that tiny mountain village. eren and i met a jeweller there who made all the jewellery in the movie "troy". he had several pictures of brad pitt on his walls. we wore a few and loved the pieces. as you can see i have said nothing about having bought them...then there is uzum cafe when climbing towards the baptist church.
uzum was restored by my uncle and has the most charming garden and terrace out back. sitki is its sweet owner. while we were sitting having our coffee 2 huge men came to ask him for directions and permission to use his grounds to explore the streets out back and spat out a gruffy "iyi akshamlarrr". we blurted out a "bonsoir" as they stared at us. and then the church. it has been recently opened after its restoration. i found it corny to bave a wishing fountain there as did a 5 year old who came with her parents. i think it's becoming a little old with the wishing trees and fountains and wells...
ephesus was as always spectacular. the best time to go is in the fall but if one has no choice but to go any other time of the year it is in your best interest to go in the early morning time. the marble reflects on your skin and causes a slight hyperventilation situation even after a ton of hydrating drinks. for some reason i have not taken heed of my own advice and end up there in the maximum heat of the day EACH TIME. and each time i say no more. the terrace houses are a treat but an extra entrance fee which makes my blood boil (due to the heat of course :P)
kusadasi itself is a place i stray away from. there is a chaos that is neither charming or helpful (as it would be in india for example). it makes me impatient. the only place in kusadasi that i enjoy going to and have an unforgettable time at is the Delta Menderes Milli Park an hour drive away past Davutlar. the beaches there are pebbly and the water is clear...and freezing. its worth going to definitely for a beach experience where there are no banana boats, para sailing, screaming children or the smell of barbecuing. it has the woods behind you and trails you can walk on either before or after your swim. my cousin had long time ago found a gold ring at the bottom of the water. it's that clear. reminds me of the water in olympos...yes there is cafe. 4 beaches in that park, the last one is the best.
selcuk is a place i bring all my friends. it's one of the few places in turkey where there are innumerable things to see and do and not feel like one is spending a fortune.
8.10.2009
after a few rolls of film
my favorite ones... i think i may have found my expression and the perfect exposure. a little over exposure is irem i think.
7.22.2009
gunes tutulmasi
100 yilin en uzun gunes tutulmasi bu sabah erkenden oldu bitti. hindistan'da cok net izlenmis, bu sabah resimlere baktim, nasil olmak istedim orda. resimlere bakarken kendimi cok ilkel bir yerde gordum, kabile gibi, gunes, ay, su ve toprak uzerinde hayat kurmus olan bir varlik. oyle bi rahatladim ki.
2 sene onceki gunes tutulmasini hatirliyorum. firtinali bir ay gecirmistim. yeni insanlarla tanismistim, uzaklara uctum gezdim, sonra istanbul'a gelme kararim daha da kesinlesti ve hirsiz evime girmisti.
tutulmalar benim icin cok onemli. bu pazar yeni evime tasiniyorum. anadolu hisari'nda yaklasik 1 sene kaldim ve o zaman da tasinmadan once ay tutulmasi olmustu. beykoz orman manzaram, komsularim, koyumsu havasi, dik yokusu, hepsini ozleyecegim. bakkal'da bir seferinde yarim yagli sut gormustum, gidip alayim dedim 2 gun sonra, adam evine goturmus cocugu icsin diye cunku alan olmamis. sucumla sistem kurmustuk, parayi bidonun altina koyuyordum, o bana yeni suyumu getiriyordu. boyle seyleri ozleyecegim. falan filan.
ama harekette olmazsam rahatlarim ve tembellesme olur. tutulmalar iyi ki var cunku tembellikten uzak tutuyor. degisimi zorluyor. degismezsem tutulmalarda kendimi yerim herhalde. haftasonu thai masaja gittim. 2 sene sonra thai masaji baska biri bana yapti. tam da tutulma haftanin kendime hediyem. ruhun rahatladiginda daha keskin dusunce ortaya cikiyor ve odak kaymiyor. iste gunes tutulmanin bana verdikleri.
7.21.2009
japonya da bir firdevs var
firdevs su anda japonyada. orda jorjitsu sensei-sini gormeye gitti ve ordayken bir takim sinavlardan gececek- kendisini gelistirmeye adayan bir arkadasim.
hindistan nasil benim icin bir bilinc asamasi olarak sembolize ediyorduysa, japonya firdevs icin onemliydi.
yogini evime gelirdi, espresso kahve icerdik, kurabiye yapardim ve gece boyunca bilinc konusunu uykumuz gelinceye kadar konusurduk. ev hediyesi olarak bamboo ruzgar cani getirmisti. yeni evime takacak yerini belirledim bile. firdevs dondugunde ayni kisi olmayabilir ama daha farkli daha derin biri olarak doneceginden eminim.
istedigini yapabilmek, hayatinin tadini cikarmak ve boyle adimlar atmak beni acayip mutlu ediyor.
7.20.2009
puma is back home
day 4 and puma was still out. puma is a big black cat. housecat. crystal and scott got home from their european vacation, back home to 7 cats and me :) to only receive news that puma was out on the streets for 4 days.
the bakkal lady had seen him sleeping in front of the apartment. then someone had thrown water on him so he wouldn't. he had hissed when kids approached him. at least he had been seen. how could he not be...he is huge.
crystal, scott, jody and i walked the streets. crystal walked on the hour every hour. puma wasn't even her cat. all she had was a can of tuna, a spoon to hit it with and a name. puma.
6 a.m. sunday morning he was found. he came out from under a house, knew he was being addressed, surrendered into her arms and was brought back to the home he had known for only a week. he had moved from beirut you see and had moved twice in a span of a week in turkey.
what did puma do when he came home? he passed out purring on his owner's pillow. crystal gave a thumbs up to all the people in the neighbourhood. buyuk siyah kedi evde.
the bakkal lady had seen him sleeping in front of the apartment. then someone had thrown water on him so he wouldn't. he had hissed when kids approached him. at least he had been seen. how could he not be...he is huge.
crystal, scott, jody and i walked the streets. crystal walked on the hour every hour. puma wasn't even her cat. all she had was a can of tuna, a spoon to hit it with and a name. puma.
6 a.m. sunday morning he was found. he came out from under a house, knew he was being addressed, surrendered into her arms and was brought back to the home he had known for only a week. he had moved from beirut you see and had moved twice in a span of a week in turkey.
what did puma do when he came home? he passed out purring on his owner's pillow. crystal gave a thumbs up to all the people in the neighbourhood. buyuk siyah kedi evde.
7.17.2009
B.E.
bulent ersoy'u tanimam, gecmisini bilmem, su anda ne yapar hic haberim yoktur hatta soradabilirsiniz ee bu yaziyi neden yaziyorsun. cunku etkilendim. hayran kaldim.
gecenlerde televizyon programinda 20 dakika izledim. bulent ersoy baska birinin programinda, sahnede bir kirmizi kadife devasa koltuk ve koltugun ustunde pirlanta gibi parlayan harfler "B.E." elinde pirlanta kapli mikrofon, parmaklarinda parlayan noktalar, onundeki masa parliyor ve dudaklarindan kelimeler cikiyor da odaklanamiyorum.
orda anladim, biz insan degiliz. ruhlarimiz insan bedende ve insan olmaya calisan varliklariz. ruhumuz kendisini ifade etmek icin neler yapiyor- resim yapiyoruz, fotograf cekiyoruz, yemek sanatini ogreniyoruz, bankacilik sektorde finans paketlerini duzenliyoruz (o da bir sanat), en basit masamizi duzene sokmaya calisyoruz, calisma hayatta enerjimizi veriyoruz...B.E. de B.E. koltugundan kendisini halkla paylasiyor iste.
ifade etme cesaretine saygiyla bravo diyorum
gecenlerde televizyon programinda 20 dakika izledim. bulent ersoy baska birinin programinda, sahnede bir kirmizi kadife devasa koltuk ve koltugun ustunde pirlanta gibi parlayan harfler "B.E." elinde pirlanta kapli mikrofon, parmaklarinda parlayan noktalar, onundeki masa parliyor ve dudaklarindan kelimeler cikiyor da odaklanamiyorum.
orda anladim, biz insan degiliz. ruhlarimiz insan bedende ve insan olmaya calisan varliklariz. ruhumuz kendisini ifade etmek icin neler yapiyor- resim yapiyoruz, fotograf cekiyoruz, yemek sanatini ogreniyoruz, bankacilik sektorde finans paketlerini duzenliyoruz (o da bir sanat), en basit masamizi duzene sokmaya calisyoruz, calisma hayatta enerjimizi veriyoruz...B.E. de B.E. koltugundan kendisini halkla paylasiyor iste.
ifade etme cesaretine saygiyla bravo diyorum
7.08.2009
MJ
yine agladim. kac tane sarkisi beni kac tane anlarda kurtarmistir, heyecanlanmisimdir, dans edip kendimi kaybetmisimdir, karaoke yaparken michael taklidini yapmisimdir...john mayer'in caldigi "human nature" parcasini ekliyorum buraya.
http://bumpshack.com/2009/07/07/john-mayer-%e2%80%98human-nature%e2%80%99-michael-jackson-memorial-video/
http://bumpshack.com/2009/07/07/john-mayer-%e2%80%98human-nature%e2%80%99-michael-jackson-memorial-video/
suda
sabah sabah iskelede vapuru beklerken buyulendim. sunun kiyiya vuran dalgalari (tanker yeni gecmisti), sunun miril miril bitkiler uzerinden gecmesi, hersey yavasladi gibi oldu. arkama sicak bir gunes vuruyordu, suya keskin bir isik, ve gozum suyun icine bakmaya basladi ki binlerce minik minik balik gordum. gunesin vurdugu yerde duruyorlardi. o cizgide yuzup disina cikmiyorlardi. gumus yildizlar gibi parliyorlardi. yanimda da bir sokak kopegi ayni gunesin altinda uyumakla mesguldu. ayni anda bir cok farkli anlar.
6.29.2009
summertime
what a strange weekend i had. first a cocktail where nobody introduced anybody to anyone, then a yogic party where i knew hardly anyone and ended up dancing the tango with a random person and a pool day coupled with a massage and some rain.
i have to say with the way it was packed in i was pretty thrilled.
but first comes first. what is it with the ettiquette nowadays. i mean even in cocktails in pakistan people introduce each other to folks who have just joined the circle. here we all are, professionals in some of the most elite circles and eccentric people like me just watching and learning... i am not threatening am i? i taught myself to introduce myself in Turkey, not in the U.S. the only people who have taken the initiative to introduce me has been my boss and my very close friends. it is a detail that cannot be skipped. once skipped over, not done, forgotten, the unintroduced person in this case, me, do not just get offended, it is a defining moment in the nature of that relationship. forget ettiquette...remember simple respect?
next was the party with friends whom i met at my yoga classes. i have always liked height- flying up high, jumping off planes, glass elevators going upto whatever floor, rollercoasters that drop 100 m, tall men...just high. here we were on the 10th floor of a great looking apartment sipping on some raki and having some cheese. oh and listening to michael jackson. now here were some aware people. noone was griping about him having some "boy" issues or hanging his kid over the balcony or making some bad choices about skin color, we were hanging out and enjoying the music he left behind. i entered the apartment and someone in an announcing tone of voice said the entertainment for the night had been set- there was going to be some latino dancing, some tango and something else i did not hear. i got stuck at the tango part. i immediately raised my hand and said i can tango. i Obviously had to get ready. in my head i mean. with old navy flipflops and a room full of people i knew only 20% of, i had PR work to do. y'know get to know the crowd and learn to relax in it.
the raki had done its trick. the breeze on the 10th floor had done its magic. chit chat about astrology had me familiar with interests (besides ashtanga yoga of course). the host put the music on and swooped i felt into a dance. a year and a half of no dancing and it felt good. how had i not danced for as long as i had? a question i am still asking myself this morning.
with the excitement wrapped in the tango lingering over into the next day, i said my goodbyes to crystal and scott and 7 kitties to be with my kiwi buddy and his daughter by the pool. little did i know that if you get a massage at the kempinski, the pool and spa facilities are yours to enjoy for the whole day. brunch at abracadabra, shopping for a bikini, then walking to kempinski in flipflops (yes the same ones), i surrendered myself to the massage. the therapist used ylang ylang oil using reflexology, shiatsu, acupressure, some thai massage and aromatherapy to bring me into total alignment. i felt like i was whole in that hour. i wasn't going in and out of consciousness, not wishing i was somewhere else, not daydreaming...i was completely there, the most whole i have been in weeks i think for that long. whole is happiness. it s a tricky feeling to feel. everyone has that feeling i am sure but its almost like when you hold your breath and there's nothing going on, nothing at all. you just are. that's whole.
it was a whol-ifying weekend. everything happened one at a time (just as it always does but nothing was rushed this time), just like these cute ducks in nashville.
i have to say with the way it was packed in i was pretty thrilled.
but first comes first. what is it with the ettiquette nowadays. i mean even in cocktails in pakistan people introduce each other to folks who have just joined the circle. here we all are, professionals in some of the most elite circles and eccentric people like me just watching and learning... i am not threatening am i? i taught myself to introduce myself in Turkey, not in the U.S. the only people who have taken the initiative to introduce me has been my boss and my very close friends. it is a detail that cannot be skipped. once skipped over, not done, forgotten, the unintroduced person in this case, me, do not just get offended, it is a defining moment in the nature of that relationship. forget ettiquette...remember simple respect?
next was the party with friends whom i met at my yoga classes. i have always liked height- flying up high, jumping off planes, glass elevators going upto whatever floor, rollercoasters that drop 100 m, tall men...just high. here we were on the 10th floor of a great looking apartment sipping on some raki and having some cheese. oh and listening to michael jackson. now here were some aware people. noone was griping about him having some "boy" issues or hanging his kid over the balcony or making some bad choices about skin color, we were hanging out and enjoying the music he left behind. i entered the apartment and someone in an announcing tone of voice said the entertainment for the night had been set- there was going to be some latino dancing, some tango and something else i did not hear. i got stuck at the tango part. i immediately raised my hand and said i can tango. i Obviously had to get ready. in my head i mean. with old navy flipflops and a room full of people i knew only 20% of, i had PR work to do. y'know get to know the crowd and learn to relax in it.
the raki had done its trick. the breeze on the 10th floor had done its magic. chit chat about astrology had me familiar with interests (besides ashtanga yoga of course). the host put the music on and swooped i felt into a dance. a year and a half of no dancing and it felt good. how had i not danced for as long as i had? a question i am still asking myself this morning.
with the excitement wrapped in the tango lingering over into the next day, i said my goodbyes to crystal and scott and 7 kitties to be with my kiwi buddy and his daughter by the pool. little did i know that if you get a massage at the kempinski, the pool and spa facilities are yours to enjoy for the whole day. brunch at abracadabra, shopping for a bikini, then walking to kempinski in flipflops (yes the same ones), i surrendered myself to the massage. the therapist used ylang ylang oil using reflexology, shiatsu, acupressure, some thai massage and aromatherapy to bring me into total alignment. i felt like i was whole in that hour. i wasn't going in and out of consciousness, not wishing i was somewhere else, not daydreaming...i was completely there, the most whole i have been in weeks i think for that long. whole is happiness. it s a tricky feeling to feel. everyone has that feeling i am sure but its almost like when you hold your breath and there's nothing going on, nothing at all. you just are. that's whole.
it was a whol-ifying weekend. everything happened one at a time (just as it always does but nothing was rushed this time), just like these cute ducks in nashville.
6.26.2009
ciddilesememek
artik pot mi kiriyorum ya da self- confidence mi biraz kaciriyorum bilmiyorum ama insanlari rahatlatmak istiyorum. ciddi toplantilardaki tolerans seviyem 2 saat artik. ondan 2 saat gecince asabim bozuluyor. gecenlerde patronumla bir kurumla toplanti yapiyorduk ve bizi bir etkinlige davet ettiler. patronum gidemeyecekti, irem gelir dedi. ben de kurumun baskan'ina "gelecegim ama patronum gibi olmam mumkun degil, peruk takarim belki ama herhalde o da olmaz".
evet burda diyecegim birsey yok gercekten.
bugun eren'le michael jackson'i anarken bir partiye gitmis ve ilk defa tanistigi cocuga yumruk yapip "fight the power" demis.
evet boyleyiz.
vedalasma kokteyle gidiyorum ve giden baskan'a turkiye'yi andaracak muzik aldim- burhan ocal ve michael jackson. evet evet michael'i aldim. nerdeydin michael'i kaybettigimizde soruldugu zaman, turkiye'deydim diyebilecek. unutmasini istemiyorum. belki kokteyl'de "don't stop till you get enough" soyleyebilirim...
hayatta ciddi cogu zaman oluyorum ama bazen herhalde onu cok fazla tutamiyorum. niyet temiz, insanlarla paylasim, tanismak, sohbet...iste bazen samimiyet istiyorum ve karsidaki hazir olmamis oluyor. bu sene vipassana yapacagim herhalde- 10 gunluk sessizlik, konusma olmayan bir ortamda meditasyon.
evet burda diyecegim birsey yok gercekten.
bugun eren'le michael jackson'i anarken bir partiye gitmis ve ilk defa tanistigi cocuga yumruk yapip "fight the power" demis.
evet boyleyiz.
vedalasma kokteyle gidiyorum ve giden baskan'a turkiye'yi andaracak muzik aldim- burhan ocal ve michael jackson. evet evet michael'i aldim. nerdeydin michael'i kaybettigimizde soruldugu zaman, turkiye'deydim diyebilecek. unutmasini istemiyorum. belki kokteyl'de "don't stop till you get enough" soyleyebilirim...
hayatta ciddi cogu zaman oluyorum ama bazen herhalde onu cok fazla tutamiyorum. niyet temiz, insanlarla paylasim, tanismak, sohbet...iste bazen samimiyet istiyorum ve karsidaki hazir olmamis oluyor. bu sene vipassana yapacagim herhalde- 10 gunluk sessizlik, konusma olmayan bir ortamda meditasyon.
michael jackson
i am speechless.
i wasn't expecting him to go this soon.
my conversations this morning have started with "he's dead".
eren was listening to him in london while i did the moonwalk at work today. everywhere i have been he has been with me- from the "beat it" days to the "black and white" days to "you rock my world".
my boss answered the phone and knew what i was talking about when i asked, "you know what has happened?!"
"yes jackson is dead"
i wasn't expecting him to go this soon.
my conversations this morning have started with "he's dead".
eren was listening to him in london while i did the moonwalk at work today. everywhere i have been he has been with me- from the "beat it" days to the "black and white" days to "you rock my world".
my boss answered the phone and knew what i was talking about when i asked, "you know what has happened?!"
"yes jackson is dead"
6.18.2009
hackerlar beni buldu
hackerlar aramislar arastirmislar, kim bize en iyi sponsorluk yapar sormuslar veee beni bulmuslar. hz. isa'nin sozlerini, ve tum bilgileri nasil paylasilir, evet indrani'nin blogu bunu en iyi sekilde isimizi gorur demisler.
ne alaka ya...
okuyanlardan rica, bu site acilirsa ^"contact us" ikondan onlara diyecekleriniz varsa buyrun, beni yeterince dinlemis degiller. bunlari kime sikayet etmeliyim de bana fikir verirseniz sevinirim.
6.17.2009
eskimisler
atilmak uzere sirada olan eskiyenleri dikkatli secmeli. eskidikce deger kazanan esya cok. o degeri bilen tek biziz, baska biri deger koydugu zaman farkli bir boyuta geciyor. mesela dusundugum zaman organlarim eskiyor ama yoga yaparak degerini saglam tutarak aslinda degerini yukseltmis oluyorum. ayni sey annemin ayakkabilari, eski kumaslar ve onunla yaptirdigim elbiseler, antika esyalar ve eski fotograflar.
ondan antika ve eski yerlerde gozlerim mutlu oluyor.
6.06.2009
florida sun and the nashvegas twang
a week and some has flown by. (try to read this with the southern accent, it's real fun.) seeing camp chiefs, some after 7 odd years was truly memorable. i was a little nervous...people change, priorities change but once i was among them i realised somethings never change. the love doesn't change. possibly after time the love just grows.
what does one do in florida? one rents out a boat preferably a pontoon boat and has fun people to go swimming in the springs with. if you are lucky see a manatee. we spotted one next to our boat. the 3 sisters spring was gorgeous. but first a little about the day in the sun. 15 chiefs get on the pontoon and each time ch. roz puts a little gas into our ride this high pitched screeching sound cramps our style. we call it in, wait for an hour to get it checked out, the verdict is water in the oil, we wait for a half hour to get a replacement pontoon before we head out to the springs.
3 sisters springs is one of the those places the locals would only know. you cannot even spot it but you know you are close with all the boats hanging around the spot. a little opening, a strong current and a difficult swim upstream gets you to an aweinspiring green and turquoise waters. it's cold.
we head back and decide to cruise the channel in crystal river. there are chiefs upfront, on the deck, talking about property values in palm beach...we are snacking on scrabble cheese-its, ch. maribeth is napping behind the cooler...and suddenly a huge crash. there's nothing in front of us to crash into. two of the chiefs on the deck are overboard and a stunned ch. cherri is pointing in opposite directions to swim away from the boat. the boat is immediately reversed. everyone is stunned. the overboard chief kodi suddenly gets up and the water is ankle deep. we had hit rocks and there had been no signs for it. chief fran is on a rock and is yelling how slimy the water is. scrapes and bruises is what is left of the boat experience.
florida is also a place for theme parks. one of my favorite is busch gardens. i had been obsessing forever and josh and i hadn't been able to go because of thundershowers. i had only 5 days in florida and one of those days HAD to be a busch gardens day. i found the enthusiastic and theme park nut ch. jolynn to go with. we went on sheikra which was real short and intense. we decided it wasn't enough excitement so we went on it again. in the front as always. we had an understanding about riding in the front. right after sheikra was kumba which tumbled my insides out and made chief jolynn pale. but we kept GOING. i said the scorpion ride would be a piece of cake but i couldn't even find my balance once off the ride. jolynn said i looked green.
we didn't quit. we had ice cream and kept going.
great day that day. rollercoasters help you face fears concerning death and fears revolving around trust issues. one has no choice but to trust the people behind the controls and the universe for keeping you safe. great day for drilling that into my soul.
headed out to nashville. saying goodbye to gale, 3 hours later reconnecting with chandelle, my yogini friend whom i met in india at the ashram... an hour after that alan came into town for a t.v show he was going to be interviewed at the day after. the only way i could process this was to go for sushi. i had had sushi and saki the night before to process leaving florida and the insanity of rollercoasters...and now sushi again to help me live through emotions of not having seeing friends for so many years.
chan and i began yapping almost immediately. sadie her human friend (she doesn't want me to say 'dog') woke me up this morning wanting us to get up already! alan's presence was wonderful. having 2 of my closest friends in the same room was not what i was expecting. i wasn't expecting to see alan as soon as i did.
alan and i went to his taping of his interview with john siegenthaler. what an impressive man- modest, knowledgable and respected. he was given way too much attention as far as getting his foundation evenly distributed on his face but i guess that is what fame brings you- everyone wants to spend more time with you SOME way. i sat in the controls room watching alan in 4 different screens. i cried a little. i was telling alan how one does see anothers face while talking but because you are engaged in conversation you don't necessarily watch the mimics of their face. here as an observer alan just seemed so familiar and i was proud to have been sharing this moment with him. we rode off to chattanooga right after the show to see his friends out there. he only aspect of chattanooga i liked was their bridges and the fact that they were blue in color.
i know the UEFA cup finals was one of the happiest moments of my life. there have been other moments like my first ever visit to a planetarium. so was seeing chan and alan.
what does one do in florida? one rents out a boat preferably a pontoon boat and has fun people to go swimming in the springs with. if you are lucky see a manatee. we spotted one next to our boat. the 3 sisters spring was gorgeous. but first a little about the day in the sun. 15 chiefs get on the pontoon and each time ch. roz puts a little gas into our ride this high pitched screeching sound cramps our style. we call it in, wait for an hour to get it checked out, the verdict is water in the oil, we wait for a half hour to get a replacement pontoon before we head out to the springs.
3 sisters springs is one of the those places the locals would only know. you cannot even spot it but you know you are close with all the boats hanging around the spot. a little opening, a strong current and a difficult swim upstream gets you to an aweinspiring green and turquoise waters. it's cold.
we head back and decide to cruise the channel in crystal river. there are chiefs upfront, on the deck, talking about property values in palm beach...we are snacking on scrabble cheese-its, ch. maribeth is napping behind the cooler...and suddenly a huge crash. there's nothing in front of us to crash into. two of the chiefs on the deck are overboard and a stunned ch. cherri is pointing in opposite directions to swim away from the boat. the boat is immediately reversed. everyone is stunned. the overboard chief kodi suddenly gets up and the water is ankle deep. we had hit rocks and there had been no signs for it. chief fran is on a rock and is yelling how slimy the water is. scrapes and bruises is what is left of the boat experience.
florida is also a place for theme parks. one of my favorite is busch gardens. i had been obsessing forever and josh and i hadn't been able to go because of thundershowers. i had only 5 days in florida and one of those days HAD to be a busch gardens day. i found the enthusiastic and theme park nut ch. jolynn to go with. we went on sheikra which was real short and intense. we decided it wasn't enough excitement so we went on it again. in the front as always. we had an understanding about riding in the front. right after sheikra was kumba which tumbled my insides out and made chief jolynn pale. but we kept GOING. i said the scorpion ride would be a piece of cake but i couldn't even find my balance once off the ride. jolynn said i looked green.
we didn't quit. we had ice cream and kept going.
great day that day. rollercoasters help you face fears concerning death and fears revolving around trust issues. one has no choice but to trust the people behind the controls and the universe for keeping you safe. great day for drilling that into my soul.
headed out to nashville. saying goodbye to gale, 3 hours later reconnecting with chandelle, my yogini friend whom i met in india at the ashram... an hour after that alan came into town for a t.v show he was going to be interviewed at the day after. the only way i could process this was to go for sushi. i had had sushi and saki the night before to process leaving florida and the insanity of rollercoasters...and now sushi again to help me live through emotions of not having seeing friends for so many years.
chan and i began yapping almost immediately. sadie her human friend (she doesn't want me to say 'dog') woke me up this morning wanting us to get up already! alan's presence was wonderful. having 2 of my closest friends in the same room was not what i was expecting. i wasn't expecting to see alan as soon as i did.
alan and i went to his taping of his interview with john siegenthaler. what an impressive man- modest, knowledgable and respected. he was given way too much attention as far as getting his foundation evenly distributed on his face but i guess that is what fame brings you- everyone wants to spend more time with you SOME way. i sat in the controls room watching alan in 4 different screens. i cried a little. i was telling alan how one does see anothers face while talking but because you are engaged in conversation you don't necessarily watch the mimics of their face. here as an observer alan just seemed so familiar and i was proud to have been sharing this moment with him. we rode off to chattanooga right after the show to see his friends out there. he only aspect of chattanooga i liked was their bridges and the fact that they were blue in color.
i know the UEFA cup finals was one of the happiest moments of my life. there have been other moments like my first ever visit to a planetarium. so was seeing chan and alan.
5.25.2009
confetti
just as i had never owned an espresso making thingamajee and my response to it was quite positive, i believe i have found one other thing i would like to have in my life now and then- an occasion to watch confetti with lights reflecting off of it. i felt like i was in a snowglobe when i took this picture.
5.21.2009
UEFA finali ve cekirdek birligi
50000 insan, bir taraf yesil beyaz, bizim taraf turuncu. dun aksam hayatimda unutamayacagim anlar yasadim.
uykuluyum ama sanki daha stadtayim gibi. dun tum gun zaten iletisim seli vardi- sorular durmadi, emailler akti, toplantilar degisti ve karisti. o arada surekli aklimda UEFA, maca nasil gidecegiz, ruzgar var usurmuyum, cekirdek cok cigneyen olacakmis, vapurla gecmek en iyisi galiba, elbisemi degistirip kotumu simdi giysem...yani zihin muthis bir varlik, 1000 isin arasinda hayatindaki o anda neye takiyorsan o dusunce surekli geri gelip huzurunu direk bozuyor. ondan zaten patronum bana magnezyum vitaminimi alsana dedi. herhalde gozlerimden delilik mi fiskiriyordu artik neydi.
kosa kosa kendime esofman ustu aldim. bulusttuk hep beraber vapura bindik. batuhan, jose ve ben. yani planlar merkur yuzunden surekli degisti. heyecanimdan da ne dedigimi de pek farkinda degilim. batuhan'la 2 saniyelik tanisikligimiz vardi is hayatinda. merhaba merhaba seklinde. telefonda aksam planini ogrenecegim zaman planlar degismis, belki gelirim dedi, bende demezmiyim "yani UEFA finale hayir diyorsunuz". yani sanki herkes icin UEFA dunyanin donmesinin nedeni. jose de isten. cok fazla muahbbetimiz yoktu, ayda bir turkiye'ye gelir, seker ve samimidir. bir kac defa yemek yemisttik ve cikolata souffle aski oldugunu biliyordum.
cikolata hayranlara saygim sonsuz.
ciya'da atistirdik ama ne yedik sormayin. catlak kavurma diye bir yemek isminden baslayip isitirik bitki cayimiydi yoksa bicirik domates tatlisi mi. 10 kez ciya'ya gitsem de isimleri ogrenemem (bu 4.kez oluyor, 10. kez bakarim bir tane yemek ismi hatirlayacagim mi). zaten menu yok, usta'ya butun yemekleri soruyorsun, o kalabalikta da eger sordugun sorunun cevabi da geliyorsa ne mutlu sana.
stad'a yururken alman yesiller yollarda, sarki soyleye soyleye gidiyorlar. 11. kapi'dan girdik. bir cici amca biletimize bakti gectik. kapi'dan girdik ve baska bir dunya'ya geldigimi hissettim. herkesin bir amaci var, mac seyretmek. o enerji herhalde beni biraz vurdu. gozlerimi kirpmadim herhalde cunku kirptigim zaman acidi, kurumus yani. her taraftan flaslar patliyor, onumuzde arkamizda cekirdek citlayanlar, cekirdek ikram ediliyor filan, cekirdek satanlar ve cekirdek yiye yiye susayanlar icin su (ve bagiranlarin bogaz kurulugu icin de).
kimi tutsam diye kafamda soru isaretim yoktu. cok bariz. shaktar'i tutacaktim. ilk defa ukraynalilar fenerbahce stadina geliyorlar, bari kazansinlar. almanlar kac defa kupa'yi tuttular bari baskalariyla paylassinlar. yerlerimiz hangi tarafta olacagini bilemedigimiz icin turunculari gorunce baya sevindim. jose ve batuhan'i zaten uyarmistim, bak cok bagiracagim, aglayadabilirim belli olmaz. aglamadim da, icim sakinlesti. elektronlar hucreler arasi cakismalar sakinlesti.
dun aksam ashtanga vardi ve mac'a gitmeyi sectim.
bir mac= bir yoga seansi. yuzum boyle nur gibi bugun.
5.18.2009
lomo in my life
i absolutely love the lomo effect. an absolute surprise.
also the fact that only 7 some pictures came out because the roll got unstuck and could not move...i blame it on mercury retrograde...clearly its mercury...
5.14.2009
zaman bir kurgu ama birseyler de geciyor
onceden bir yoga seanstan sonra hemen bir "toparlanma" olurdu bende. yarim tepsi borek, 3 tane baklava yedikten sonrada enerjim dusmezdi. ama birseyler degisti. sabah saat 0600da zimba gibi kalkamamak durumu var, hafif bir agirlasma...ama inanin ashtanga yoga mysore style dersine girdigimde sanki vucudum daha da esnemis buluyorum. 4 haftada mesela onceden yapamadiklarimi yaptigimi izliyorum sanki yapan ben degilim ve de her zaman yapabiliyormusum da unutmusum. cok enteresan. bazi seylere vedalastiktan sonra baska seylere de merhaba demek zorundayim. alisveris sistemi yani. minik bir gobege merhaba, kelebek durusta dizlerimin yere degebilmesine hosgeldin.
istanbul nasil bir yer. hayranim. insan mucadele etmek zorunda yoksa cigner ve geri tukurur. istanbul'u hayatima getirdim, eski uyuzlasmis halime goodbye dedim. baska sekilde yapamazdim. ama bu hadiselerden sonrada sasirdigim bazi olaylar oluyor. remzi'ye girdim gecenlerde, liderlik kitap aliyorum, ordaki eleman "yorgunsunuz bugun irem hanim" dedi. anaa dedim, nasi yani, nerden taniyor beni? dumur oldum. ciktigimda gecmis dosyalari kurcaliyorum ve buluyorum ki ben bu cocuga bir arkadasa not birakmistim ve arkadasimi tanimasi icin karikatur gibi yuzunu cizmistim, (arkadasimin cebi kapaliydi ve merkur gerilemedemiydi hatirlamiyorum bulusma remzi'de olacakti megersem acil disciye gitmesi gerekmis) notu ona vermesini istemistim.
neeeyse. durusum farklilasti, ruyalarim ya deprem de sallandigimi goruyorum ya da bebek var kucagimda. her zamanki kosmali ruyalar degil yani. amerika seyhatim yaklasiyor ve 2.5 sene sonra gidecegim. 2.5 sene. zamansiz yasasaydik ne rahat olacak hayat var ya, hersey akardi, birlesirdi ve degerlendirmek gibi olaylari parcalayip anlam vermek gibi bir derdimiz olmazdi...
istanbul nasil bir yer. hayranim. insan mucadele etmek zorunda yoksa cigner ve geri tukurur. istanbul'u hayatima getirdim, eski uyuzlasmis halime goodbye dedim. baska sekilde yapamazdim. ama bu hadiselerden sonrada sasirdigim bazi olaylar oluyor. remzi'ye girdim gecenlerde, liderlik kitap aliyorum, ordaki eleman "yorgunsunuz bugun irem hanim" dedi. anaa dedim, nasi yani, nerden taniyor beni? dumur oldum. ciktigimda gecmis dosyalari kurcaliyorum ve buluyorum ki ben bu cocuga bir arkadasa not birakmistim ve arkadasimi tanimasi icin karikatur gibi yuzunu cizmistim, (arkadasimin cebi kapaliydi ve merkur gerilemedemiydi hatirlamiyorum bulusma remzi'de olacakti megersem acil disciye gitmesi gerekmis) notu ona vermesini istemistim.
neeeyse. durusum farklilasti, ruyalarim ya deprem de sallandigimi goruyorum ya da bebek var kucagimda. her zamanki kosmali ruyalar degil yani. amerika seyhatim yaklasiyor ve 2.5 sene sonra gidecegim. 2.5 sene. zamansiz yasasaydik ne rahat olacak hayat var ya, hersey akardi, birlesirdi ve degerlendirmek gibi olaylari parcalayip anlam vermek gibi bir derdimiz olmazdi...
4.28.2009
and the earth shivered
i can feel everything on my bed. on the ground. love it. maybe i was japanese in one of my past lives, or maybe homeless for all i know. but i like sleeping on a thin mat on the ground. something about it helps me unwind quicker, deeper sleep and yet more alert.
i had just meditated. had called my bio- energy therapist to ease me into a calmness. i felt a shiver beneath me. it felt like i was very high somewhere suspended above but connected to something and down below there was something that woke up, felt cold and shivered. i felt it quiver inside of me. and i felt no fear. there was timelessness.
i felt fear when a part of my brain asked "could it be an earthquake?" and that is when i thought "and then what?"
i called a friend, heard the neighbours talk about it outside my door and promptly went back to sleep. the usual dogs did not bark at all.
definitely did not dream of earthquakes.
i had just meditated. had called my bio- energy therapist to ease me into a calmness. i felt a shiver beneath me. it felt like i was very high somewhere suspended above but connected to something and down below there was something that woke up, felt cold and shivered. i felt it quiver inside of me. and i felt no fear. there was timelessness.
i felt fear when a part of my brain asked "could it be an earthquake?" and that is when i thought "and then what?"
i called a friend, heard the neighbours talk about it outside my door and promptly went back to sleep. the usual dogs did not bark at all.
definitely did not dream of earthquakes.
4.23.2009
the week of Firsts
in luxembourg. never had it in my dream list to come...but here i am. je suis la. everyone speaking french (that's a first), a building made of glass (never worked or spent any amount of time in one), meeting a person every single day whom i had only heard of to be only faced with "oh i have heard of you! (being heard of is a tricky statement), where my heels get stuck in odd holes and i have only almost fallen a bazillion times on immaculate floors...
i don't know. everything is first here. i am literally out of my comfort zone for a period of more than 4 hours. the last time i left my comfort zone was for the radio show last month.
can a city be so spick and span, with such sharp corners, have shiny interfaces and yet be so far from cosiness? yes it can. just a friend of mine said one would need some really close friends to want to live in luxembourg. i miss istanbul not because of its familiarity but because of its surprises. i think i crave surprises more now in my life than any other time...i can't decide if that is a good or a bad thing.
i don't know. everything is first here. i am literally out of my comfort zone for a period of more than 4 hours. the last time i left my comfort zone was for the radio show last month.
can a city be so spick and span, with such sharp corners, have shiny interfaces and yet be so far from cosiness? yes it can. just a friend of mine said one would need some really close friends to want to live in luxembourg. i miss istanbul not because of its familiarity but because of its surprises. i think i crave surprises more now in my life than any other time...i can't decide if that is a good or a bad thing.
4.16.2009
star wars, fancy clothes, shoes and bags- where does the spirituality lie?
there is this image everyone has in their heads about people who practice yoga- this person who wears white and loose clothes (preferably one that does not need ironing), really quiet, very flexible (puts their feet behind their head while sitting) and speaks softly. granted these are all qualities that are quite admirable more so because i definitely do not see myself being any of them (and i have tried)but it is an image that is far from being reached in this insanity.
here's the scoop. at the age of 6 or 7 i watched stars wars in karachi, in the days when the movie theatres were not filled with perverts and folks who have nothing better to do with their time but to harrass and ruin the peace of others. i watched star wars then with my big brother on the big screen and even though i can't remember anything substantial there is one thing i do remember and that was darth vader. he creeped me out. i continued to have luke and darth in my life through mad magazines, ocassional re-watch of the sequels and then while cat sitting. i have to admit i like star wars and i am still a yogini. and Yoda is my man. i wanted to name my psychology lab rat Yoda but then named her Eudora. my brother orders pizza as Luke Skywalker. i tell you it is embedded in us.
and shoes. i love shoes. i love shoes that my mother has saved for me to wear, ones that she got MADE. I love bags and whatsmore interesting bags invade my dreams. for example the louis vuitton bag that madonna has on the table next to her as she lengthens her leg to show the awesome shoes she happens to have on her feet. i say wow to those creations. and clothes. i frequent Network just to feel the fabrics. recently found material from my cupboard where tucked away was this embroidered material from pakistan my mother had bought just after i was born and now my aunt is making a dress.
where does this fit in with yoga? i have been thinking about this for a while. and i believe i have come to terms with the contradiction that only i had created...isn't yoga supposed to be free from all earthly desires i USED to say? was having a chat with my vinyasa ashtanga mysore style teacher Saash who said that yoga is not about suffering; its about having a comfortable life; yoga is not about being in the mountains all alone, the trick is to be in your centre amidst 12 million people and let's see if you can really do that!
i am trying.
reading "eat pray love" by Elizabeth Gilbert who says just that. great read. i am relieved to have packaged this issue and finally let it go...phew
here's the scoop. at the age of 6 or 7 i watched stars wars in karachi, in the days when the movie theatres were not filled with perverts and folks who have nothing better to do with their time but to harrass and ruin the peace of others. i watched star wars then with my big brother on the big screen and even though i can't remember anything substantial there is one thing i do remember and that was darth vader. he creeped me out. i continued to have luke and darth in my life through mad magazines, ocassional re-watch of the sequels and then while cat sitting. i have to admit i like star wars and i am still a yogini. and Yoda is my man. i wanted to name my psychology lab rat Yoda but then named her Eudora. my brother orders pizza as Luke Skywalker. i tell you it is embedded in us.
and shoes. i love shoes. i love shoes that my mother has saved for me to wear, ones that she got MADE. I love bags and whatsmore interesting bags invade my dreams. for example the louis vuitton bag that madonna has on the table next to her as she lengthens her leg to show the awesome shoes she happens to have on her feet. i say wow to those creations. and clothes. i frequent Network just to feel the fabrics. recently found material from my cupboard where tucked away was this embroidered material from pakistan my mother had bought just after i was born and now my aunt is making a dress.
where does this fit in with yoga? i have been thinking about this for a while. and i believe i have come to terms with the contradiction that only i had created...isn't yoga supposed to be free from all earthly desires i USED to say? was having a chat with my vinyasa ashtanga mysore style teacher Saash who said that yoga is not about suffering; its about having a comfortable life; yoga is not about being in the mountains all alone, the trick is to be in your centre amidst 12 million people and let's see if you can really do that!
i am trying.
reading "eat pray love" by Elizabeth Gilbert who says just that. great read. i am relieved to have packaged this issue and finally let it go...phew
4.09.2009
topuklu ayakkabi
kiyafet, ayakkabi, sac, taki, hepsi yarattigimiz imajimizin parcasi. hepsi bir arada. hepsi hayat alaninda oynadigimiz bir oyun. patronumla konusuyorduk, nasil bir insan burundugu imajda rahat olmalidir kim olursa olsun. o imaj baskasini da rahatlik veriyorsa ne mutlu ona ama huzursuzluk yaratiyorsa kendisine sormasi gereken sorular var.
ama gercekten topuklu ayakkabilarimi severim. yani stiletto denilen "yuksek" hissetiren ayakkabilarda gercekten kadinsi bir his yayiliyor. annemin pakistan'da yaptirdigi yilan deri topuklu ayakkabilarini saklamasini istedim ve ben giyiyorum. ayakkabi yaptirmak...kendi ayagina gore bir ayakkabi. hos. o kalite yillar sonrasinda da devam ediyor. o ayakkabilarla is gorusmesine gitmistim. annemin dedigine gore kiyafeti bitiren ayakkabidir.
istanbul'un arnavut taslari beni bitiriyor. spor ayakkabilarla ise gidip iste degistiryorum. bir seferinde aksam degistiremedim ve taksim'de topugum bir girdi taslarin arasina ve topuk karakter degistirdi. nasil uzuldum. kirilabilirdi ama duz girip ciktigi icin cizilmisti fena halde. annem sagolsun kucuklugumden beri topuklu ayakkabiyla yurume sanati vardir demisti. 4 yasinda onun topuklu ayakkabilarini denedigimdeki soylenen sozler....
ha o ise girdim bu arada.
ama gercekten topuklu ayakkabilarimi severim. yani stiletto denilen "yuksek" hissetiren ayakkabilarda gercekten kadinsi bir his yayiliyor. annemin pakistan'da yaptirdigi yilan deri topuklu ayakkabilarini saklamasini istedim ve ben giyiyorum. ayakkabi yaptirmak...kendi ayagina gore bir ayakkabi. hos. o kalite yillar sonrasinda da devam ediyor. o ayakkabilarla is gorusmesine gitmistim. annemin dedigine gore kiyafeti bitiren ayakkabidir.
istanbul'un arnavut taslari beni bitiriyor. spor ayakkabilarla ise gidip iste degistiryorum. bir seferinde aksam degistiremedim ve taksim'de topugum bir girdi taslarin arasina ve topuk karakter degistirdi. nasil uzuldum. kirilabilirdi ama duz girip ciktigi icin cizilmisti fena halde. annem sagolsun kucuklugumden beri topuklu ayakkabiyla yurume sanati vardir demisti. 4 yasinda onun topuklu ayakkabilarini denedigimdeki soylenen sozler....
ha o ise girdim bu arada.
3.27.2009
fingerprints
second time in my life i saw my own fingerprints. the first time it was in ink, pursuing my dream to live in new zealand and going through procedures for immigration (didn't work by the way). the second time was yesterday at the police attempting to get a new passport smoothly.
i had chocolate in my bag in case i hit bumps and needed to make things smooth.
the policeman took each my fingers and from one side to the other got the print. all electronic. i could see everything on the screen. it was magnificent. my mouth was wide open watching all this happen. the policeman was dumbfounded from my reaction. he even said (pointing to my pinky print)look this one is not like the other fingers and we analyzed it a little bit. everyone has a different print and that is just amazing.
like snowflakes.
i had chocolate in my bag in case i hit bumps and needed to make things smooth.
the policeman took each my fingers and from one side to the other got the print. all electronic. i could see everything on the screen. it was magnificent. my mouth was wide open watching all this happen. the policeman was dumbfounded from my reaction. he even said (pointing to my pinky print)look this one is not like the other fingers and we analyzed it a little bit. everyone has a different print and that is just amazing.
like snowflakes.
3.25.2009
hayatima wii girdi
ilk defa kayak yaptim. hayal listemde kayak dersleri alacagimi yazmistim. wii varken ne gerek varmis! haftasonu dunyam birden genisledi. bir seminerlerde genisleme yasarim, bir de amerikadaki tepetaklak rollercoasterlarda. wii de de yasamis oldum.
muge ve orcun muthis bir cift. birbirleriyle dalga gecen, kendileriyle barisik. onlar wii'yi bilirmisin sorduklarinda bos bos baktim. hadi bunu oynayalim sunu yapalim derken nefes nefes kaldik. kayakta ilk once oldum dirildim. ikinci sefere kaza yapa yapa ama ayakta kalaip yarismayi bitirebildim. yaparken sanki gercekten kayak yapiyormusum gibiydim.
sonra yaratiklar vardi. tuhaf tavsanlar, radikal kiyafetleriyle karaoke yapiyorlar, ormanda maymunlardan dayak yiyorlar, paris bulvarlarini gegirip yok ediyorlar, deli deli dans ediyorlar...hiperaktif ve histerik ama kendi hallerinde mutlu. onlarla birlikteyken ben kendimi zorladigimi hissediyorum ama bu zorlama yeni ve eglenceli. rabbidler yeni bir icon, cocuklugumda boyle karakterle eglendigimi hatirlamiyorum.
muge ve orcun muthis bir cift. birbirleriyle dalga gecen, kendileriyle barisik. onlar wii'yi bilirmisin sorduklarinda bos bos baktim. hadi bunu oynayalim sunu yapalim derken nefes nefes kaldik. kayakta ilk once oldum dirildim. ikinci sefere kaza yapa yapa ama ayakta kalaip yarismayi bitirebildim. yaparken sanki gercekten kayak yapiyormusum gibiydim.
sonra yaratiklar vardi. tuhaf tavsanlar, radikal kiyafetleriyle karaoke yapiyorlar, ormanda maymunlardan dayak yiyorlar, paris bulvarlarini gegirip yok ediyorlar, deli deli dans ediyorlar...hiperaktif ve histerik ama kendi hallerinde mutlu. onlarla birlikteyken ben kendimi zorladigimi hissediyorum ama bu zorlama yeni ve eglenceli. rabbidler yeni bir icon, cocuklugumda boyle karakterle eglendigimi hatirlamiyorum.
3.19.2009
tanik olmak ama gorememek
bir arkadasimin davasinda taniklik yaptim. bir kitapta okumustum, ayda bir hayatinizda yapmadiginiz sey varsa ve firsat kendisini yaratirsa o zaman mutlaka evet de. evet dedim.
avukat arkadasimiz beklentiniz yuksek olmasin dedi. taksiye bindigimde taksici bana avukatmisiniz sordu. siyah takim elbise giymitim. bana dokunamazsiniz mesaji her tarafiminda fiskiriyordu. binaya girdigimde sanki unutulmus bir apartman binasina giriyormusum gibi oldum. bekledik bekledik benim adimi yuksek sesle bagiran biri oldu. bir oda, ortada hakim, odanin tam ortasinda bir ahsap balkon, balkonun onunde hayattan bezmis bir kadin, hakimin dedigini yaziyor...o 6- 7 dakika icinde bir saniye bakistik. iki tarafimda da avukatlar. hakime baktim, tane tane konustum.
saniye saniye yasamak. cevaplarimi dusunmek degil, sorulari cevaplamak... yani hazir olmak ama neyle karsilasacaksiniz bilmemek. balkonda dururken istanbul'da bir senedir yasadiklarim, hazirdim ama cevaplarim bana gore ince degildi. gun gectikce keskinlesiyorum. ve bu gun ne yasayacagimi gercekten bilmiyorum. patronum icin radyo programi teklifi geldi, dedi benimle gel yalniz gitmek istemiyorum, tamam dedim, gelecegiz demek icin aradim ve yapimci telefonda beni cevirmen olmam icin ikna etti. yarim saat icinde hersey degisti. ust duzey geldi su forumu icin, onunla birlikteyken planladigimiz kokteylden bahsettim, o anda fikri ya duymadi ya da kafasi doluydu, tamam dedim kendime...fikir burda sunuldu ve kapanmistir, megersem 4 saat icinde 3 kez bu fikri patronuma soylemis ve begenmis. hic birsey gorundugu gibi degil. hele istanbul, tamamen gizemli bir sehir. ve zannedersem bende gittikce o gizeme tanik olmamla birlikte ayni gizemi benimsemeye basladim.
avukat arkadasimiz beklentiniz yuksek olmasin dedi. taksiye bindigimde taksici bana avukatmisiniz sordu. siyah takim elbise giymitim. bana dokunamazsiniz mesaji her tarafiminda fiskiriyordu. binaya girdigimde sanki unutulmus bir apartman binasina giriyormusum gibi oldum. bekledik bekledik benim adimi yuksek sesle bagiran biri oldu. bir oda, ortada hakim, odanin tam ortasinda bir ahsap balkon, balkonun onunde hayattan bezmis bir kadin, hakimin dedigini yaziyor...o 6- 7 dakika icinde bir saniye bakistik. iki tarafimda da avukatlar. hakime baktim, tane tane konustum.
saniye saniye yasamak. cevaplarimi dusunmek degil, sorulari cevaplamak... yani hazir olmak ama neyle karsilasacaksiniz bilmemek. balkonda dururken istanbul'da bir senedir yasadiklarim, hazirdim ama cevaplarim bana gore ince degildi. gun gectikce keskinlesiyorum. ve bu gun ne yasayacagimi gercekten bilmiyorum. patronum icin radyo programi teklifi geldi, dedi benimle gel yalniz gitmek istemiyorum, tamam dedim, gelecegiz demek icin aradim ve yapimci telefonda beni cevirmen olmam icin ikna etti. yarim saat icinde hersey degisti. ust duzey geldi su forumu icin, onunla birlikteyken planladigimiz kokteylden bahsettim, o anda fikri ya duymadi ya da kafasi doluydu, tamam dedim kendime...fikir burda sunuldu ve kapanmistir, megersem 4 saat icinde 3 kez bu fikri patronuma soylemis ve begenmis. hic birsey gorundugu gibi degil. hele istanbul, tamamen gizemli bir sehir. ve zannedersem bende gittikce o gizeme tanik olmamla birlikte ayni gizemi benimsemeye basladim.
3.13.2009
what loss does
loss cannot be replaced. loss has changed me each time. very abstract concepts but loss has only one purpose- to conquer our own weaknesses. it took me years to ease myself concerning my father's death and as i get older loss of loved ones becomes a part of ones life. my uncle for example lost his hair and peace from 3 failed marriages but here is getting married for the 4th time. i don't think he is after replacement of anything, he is in search of happiness and loss has only pushed him further to find what he was after. he never lost faith.
friends of mine have lost parents. and i have appeared cold. i have asked myself a dozen times if i am cold to this particular subject or if i am a cold person. but i am not. there were nights where i imagined people talking about me at my death and i knew some would not even know about my death until a month later when emails went unanswered. as i sat discussing this with myself over a mocha, i realised that maybe just maybe death is not important to me as much as life is. i know there is death, that i hope to not come back as a human being but hopefully as an angel or hopefully a born yogini...that bidding goodbye to loss is a reason to rejoice in their found peace however difficult it maybe to let go...that in the years it takes to heal from loss are the same years that are the most rewarding in terms of character...
it is not easy to recover from loss but one has a choice to just keep going.
friends of mine have lost parents. and i have appeared cold. i have asked myself a dozen times if i am cold to this particular subject or if i am a cold person. but i am not. there were nights where i imagined people talking about me at my death and i knew some would not even know about my death until a month later when emails went unanswered. as i sat discussing this with myself over a mocha, i realised that maybe just maybe death is not important to me as much as life is. i know there is death, that i hope to not come back as a human being but hopefully as an angel or hopefully a born yogini...that bidding goodbye to loss is a reason to rejoice in their found peace however difficult it maybe to let go...that in the years it takes to heal from loss are the same years that are the most rewarding in terms of character...
it is not easy to recover from loss but one has a choice to just keep going.
3.10.2009
james bond hayranligim ve ona diyeceklerim var
hepsi 5 yasimdayken roger moore'u izlerken oldu. mavi gozleri, yandan siritmasi, her yerden sag cikmasi, egzotik yerlerde yuzmesi ve muthis klasla yasamasi...bunu patronumla konusuruz. bazi sabahlari gunumuzu james bond ile acariz. benim MG arabasina hayran oldugumu itiraf etmemle basladi bu konusmalarimiz. universitedeyken bir arkadasim 1970lerin MGsine bindirmisti. icindeyken kendimi ozgur hissettim ve bond-luk duygusunu kesfettim kendimde. istanbul'da etiler'de yururken patronum MG gordu bak senin araban dedi. dun kartaldaki toplantidan donerken bak babanin collectible mercedesleri gordun mu dedi ordaaa dedi. bu sabah sana yakisan araba aslinda alpha romeo spider 1967 dedi sonra kendi hayallerin arabasini google'da buldu. iki tane james bond ruhlu insaniz iste.
yeni james bond'u seviyorum ama raydan cikmis bir hali de var. tuhaf duygusalligi, melankolik takilmalar, sinir patronu...yani ozgur ruhlu, yaramaz, flortoz, uzerinde tabanca tasir ve yakisan bir saat mesela. yeni james kendisini parcaliyor ve kinci terrorist gibi etrafta...yani bildigim james degil. patronuma belki bir bunalim geciriyor dedim. bu kotu bir donem onun icin dedim. james artik iyiles derim. yeter artik bu karanlik takilmalari.
3.03.2009
kapici'nin kizi aleyna
aleyna ile olan iliskim cok ozeldir. nasil tanisttik ve nasil bu kadar akici muhabbetimiz gelisti bilemiyorum. galiba asansorun yanindayken annesini bana yoga konusunda soru sormaya israr etmisti. birlikte bir kac nefes calismasi yapmistik.
gecen hafta grip olmustum. oksururken aleyna'nin annesi yaptigi corbayi icememi davet etti. aleyna yaninda. minik 6 yasinda bir insan. onu dinleyen olsa baya konusurdu bence. buzdolabindaki magnetlere bakiyordum corbayi beklerken. aleyna magnetleri anlatiyordu iste kelebek var bocek var filan. bende dedim ama burda melek yok.
bakti bakti vaaar dedi. boyu yetismedigi icin babasina buzdolabindan birsey indirmesini istedi. acim oyleydi ki goremedim. babasi eline verdi ve aleyna dedi bak melek. elinde 2 aylik kuzenin resmi. hira. cok duygulandim.
oturdu. sordum nasil biliyorsun melek oldugunu. ucaar dedi. nasil yani? babasi aliyor onu ve ucuruyor. baska? hep mutlu dedi.
ben aleyna'yi baya seviyorum.
gecen hafta grip olmustum. oksururken aleyna'nin annesi yaptigi corbayi icememi davet etti. aleyna yaninda. minik 6 yasinda bir insan. onu dinleyen olsa baya konusurdu bence. buzdolabindaki magnetlere bakiyordum corbayi beklerken. aleyna magnetleri anlatiyordu iste kelebek var bocek var filan. bende dedim ama burda melek yok.
bakti bakti vaaar dedi. boyu yetismedigi icin babasina buzdolabindan birsey indirmesini istedi. acim oyleydi ki goremedim. babasi eline verdi ve aleyna dedi bak melek. elinde 2 aylik kuzenin resmi. hira. cok duygulandim.
oturdu. sordum nasil biliyorsun melek oldugunu. ucaar dedi. nasil yani? babasi aliyor onu ve ucuruyor. baska? hep mutlu dedi.
ben aleyna'yi baya seviyorum.
2.24.2009
ankara'da patlayan kararlar
karla birlikte temiz hava ama bir de soguk ayaz vardi. ankara'ya her gittigimde istanbul'a yerlestigim icin sevinyorum. suyu gormeye ve her yol ustunde tarihi eser unutulmus ya da restore edilmis farketmez gormus olmak icimi besliyor. ondan da ankara'da 2 gun gecirdikten sonra gecmisimdeki yasanan ve yasadigim her dusundugumde beni uzen seylere veda etmeye karar verdim.
herkes karar vermek durumunda kalir. her kararin arkasinda varmak istendigi nokta vardir. o noktayi gormedigin surece karar karar olmaz. niyetten baslar bir karar. ben coktan beri niyet etmistim. aslinda niyet onemli bir karar asamasi. iste ankara'da o niyetim somutlastti ve karara donustu.
istanbul akista olman gereken bir sehir. o kadar dinamik ki her saat farkli bir durumla karsilasman mumkun. istanbul'da hersey mumkun. ankara'da ise akista olmak icin biraz eylem gerektiriyor, sanki verimli olmak icin daha fazla bir motivasyon gerekiyor. arti ankara tamamen toprak bir yer oldugu icin bence orda koklenmek kolay ve bu gidisimde yerimde duramazsam da zihnim biraz durabildi ve istanbul'un zoraki akisindan uzaklasip uzaktan kendime bakabildim. ara sira bunu yapmakta fayda var bence.
ee kararlar nediiirr? iste orda spesifik olamayacagim ama onemli olan mutlu olma karari ve mutluluk icin sinirlarimi koruma karari. istanbul'a sogolsun ermek nasil olaylardan ogrenip cikmak ve etkilenmemek ise, sinirlarimi korumak etkilenmemek amacli verdigim bir zihin programlanmasi. eski bir kararimin yenilenmesi ve patlamasi sayilir. bende birsey patlamadan olmuyor yani :)
herkes karar vermek durumunda kalir. her kararin arkasinda varmak istendigi nokta vardir. o noktayi gormedigin surece karar karar olmaz. niyetten baslar bir karar. ben coktan beri niyet etmistim. aslinda niyet onemli bir karar asamasi. iste ankara'da o niyetim somutlastti ve karara donustu.
istanbul akista olman gereken bir sehir. o kadar dinamik ki her saat farkli bir durumla karsilasman mumkun. istanbul'da hersey mumkun. ankara'da ise akista olmak icin biraz eylem gerektiriyor, sanki verimli olmak icin daha fazla bir motivasyon gerekiyor. arti ankara tamamen toprak bir yer oldugu icin bence orda koklenmek kolay ve bu gidisimde yerimde duramazsam da zihnim biraz durabildi ve istanbul'un zoraki akisindan uzaklasip uzaktan kendime bakabildim. ara sira bunu yapmakta fayda var bence.
ee kararlar nediiirr? iste orda spesifik olamayacagim ama onemli olan mutlu olma karari ve mutluluk icin sinirlarimi koruma karari. istanbul'a sogolsun ermek nasil olaylardan ogrenip cikmak ve etkilenmemek ise, sinirlarimi korumak etkilenmemek amacli verdigim bir zihin programlanmasi. eski bir kararimin yenilenmesi ve patlamasi sayilir. bende birsey patlamadan olmuyor yani :)
2.20.2009
Going into a “Zen situation”
Here’s what I have been upto (my list)
Movers bringing furniture and forgetting some in the truck (the truck left for Ankara and we were left with a room of table corpses- tables without legs)
Our Project manager trying to meet needs (even one where she was asked to bring glue to paste the carpet where the cable box was being installed)
Security setting up system and materials missing
Electricians drilling and cabling
Fax and photocopier getting installed
Cleaners trying to do detailed work
Phones getting hooked up and me getting trained
IT system and Turk Telekom communications (can’t even complete the sentence because it is such a black hole of a subject)
All through this I was translating until I couldn’t form my own sentences
Alain (my boss) says to me “I really want you to go into a Zen situation now”. Is it possible? Was it possible?
Vinyasa Ashtanga Mysore style is the way to Zen in circumstances like these. I can do kapalbhatti for a bit and find myself floating in 5 minutes but this is something else. We do ujjayi breathing for an hour and half through surya namaskar and all the asanas. It’s a crash course into feeling good if one completely surrenders. One definitely needs a foundation of yoga to do it. The heart does not beat any faster, the ujjayi keeps it at optimal level and the white muscles just give way. With 4 classes I can see improvement at different levels. Sivananda holds poses long, does the movements slowly and has sections within its practice. Vinyasa Ashtanga adds a twist by incorporating ujjayi throughout and even though one is in continuous motion it looks like one is watching a movie in slow motion. I love the style.
And I am not giving it up.
Movers bringing furniture and forgetting some in the truck (the truck left for Ankara and we were left with a room of table corpses- tables without legs)
Our Project manager trying to meet needs (even one where she was asked to bring glue to paste the carpet where the cable box was being installed)
Security setting up system and materials missing
Electricians drilling and cabling
Fax and photocopier getting installed
Cleaners trying to do detailed work
Phones getting hooked up and me getting trained
IT system and Turk Telekom communications (can’t even complete the sentence because it is such a black hole of a subject)
All through this I was translating until I couldn’t form my own sentences
Alain (my boss) says to me “I really want you to go into a Zen situation now”. Is it possible? Was it possible?
Vinyasa Ashtanga Mysore style is the way to Zen in circumstances like these. I can do kapalbhatti for a bit and find myself floating in 5 minutes but this is something else. We do ujjayi breathing for an hour and half through surya namaskar and all the asanas. It’s a crash course into feeling good if one completely surrenders. One definitely needs a foundation of yoga to do it. The heart does not beat any faster, the ujjayi keeps it at optimal level and the white muscles just give way. With 4 classes I can see improvement at different levels. Sivananda holds poses long, does the movements slowly and has sections within its practice. Vinyasa Ashtanga adds a twist by incorporating ujjayi throughout and even though one is in continuous motion it looks like one is watching a movie in slow motion. I love the style.
And I am not giving it up.
2.08.2009
hamams in istanbul
it has taken me almost no time at all to become a lover of hamams. it is i believe a tradition of bathing that every human being should at some point in their lives be indulge themselves in. i got aquainted with too late in life but still...it's never too late is it?
ankara's cebeci hamam was my first ever and i went with my aunt's friend. it was a huge deal for them. they took a huge bag full of their bathrobes, hair dryer, creams of all kinds, basically their entire bathroom. you don't have to take all that. i simply learned it was a big deal to go to the hamam. i know way too many people who are scared of going. i don't understand. i think it is the place where one can be reborn.
thankfully my mother used to exfoliate me when i was a kid. i remember. it is not easy to be exfoliated if your skin is not used to it. anyway it was that first hamam experience that won me over. i decided to pursue this love on my own. karacabey hamam in ankara became my place of frequent visits. i had friends who loved it as much as i did and i learned i could read the paper without it getting wet...
when i moved to istanbul besides the obvious priorities like finding a place to live, a job and a grocery store with 0% fat milk, i was actively searching for the perfect hamam- for myself. cemberlitas is on my "pretty good" list and haven't found another to top it. i have been to small ones, really old ones, stinky ones, forgotten ones, rip off ones and i still come back to cemberlitas in sultanahmet.
early in the morning before 0930 is the best time. the entire hamam to yourself. the dome, the marble platform, the mornng light through the small holes in the dome, the clear echo of the copper bowl against the marble and nobody else. the emptiness after being inside for a mere half hour and the peace over you once your bath is done. i don't want to shower after a bath like that. showering is so... incomplete.
and yes the women who exfoliate (called "natir")smell weird. it is like that EVERYWHERE. but that should not stop anyone from going. just do it.
ankara's cebeci hamam was my first ever and i went with my aunt's friend. it was a huge deal for them. they took a huge bag full of their bathrobes, hair dryer, creams of all kinds, basically their entire bathroom. you don't have to take all that. i simply learned it was a big deal to go to the hamam. i know way too many people who are scared of going. i don't understand. i think it is the place where one can be reborn.
thankfully my mother used to exfoliate me when i was a kid. i remember. it is not easy to be exfoliated if your skin is not used to it. anyway it was that first hamam experience that won me over. i decided to pursue this love on my own. karacabey hamam in ankara became my place of frequent visits. i had friends who loved it as much as i did and i learned i could read the paper without it getting wet...
when i moved to istanbul besides the obvious priorities like finding a place to live, a job and a grocery store with 0% fat milk, i was actively searching for the perfect hamam- for myself. cemberlitas is on my "pretty good" list and haven't found another to top it. i have been to small ones, really old ones, stinky ones, forgotten ones, rip off ones and i still come back to cemberlitas in sultanahmet.
early in the morning before 0930 is the best time. the entire hamam to yourself. the dome, the marble platform, the mornng light through the small holes in the dome, the clear echo of the copper bowl against the marble and nobody else. the emptiness after being inside for a mere half hour and the peace over you once your bath is done. i don't want to shower after a bath like that. showering is so... incomplete.
and yes the women who exfoliate (called "natir")smell weird. it is like that EVERYWHERE. but that should not stop anyone from going. just do it.
2.01.2009
old books
old books, yellowed pages, musty smell. i have been seeking old books and i had no idea i was until scott said the book "being there" that i had bought at a christmas sale for 3 liras was actually the first edition. it was also a library book. today and for the past few days i have been reading "uncle tom's cabin" that i had brought back from pakistan years ago to read again. printed in the early 80s. i was only 6 some years old when i got that book. i ordered online from betterworld books and got old library book versions.
i love it. my library is getting converted into wornout hardback editions. it's becoming exciting for me. and i have only just discovered this.
the other day jon my friend in cambridge texted me saying he found a book from 1893. wow. it's truly amazing when i find different things about myself i hadn't known about before. it could just be istanbul and the air that inspires one to push themselves just a little bit, in whichever direction. i can begin to see my fascination with shoe shiners for example...more about that when i trace its roots.
i love it. my library is getting converted into wornout hardback editions. it's becoming exciting for me. and i have only just discovered this.
the other day jon my friend in cambridge texted me saying he found a book from 1893. wow. it's truly amazing when i find different things about myself i hadn't known about before. it could just be istanbul and the air that inspires one to push themselves just a little bit, in whichever direction. i can begin to see my fascination with shoe shiners for example...more about that when i trace its roots.
1.26.2009
watching what goes on at the golden horn
ayla, my half-finnish half-turkish reporter friend is writing a travel guide on istanbul. imagine that. having writer friends is a bonus in anyone's life. a different perspective. a valuable exchange of observations. she was going to eyup. i invited myself.
we decided to go to eyup by ferry. one gets to see much from the water- canoe rentals at balat, rahmi koc museum at haskoy with the submarine at the dock, the bulgarian patriarch church which was pre- fabricated and pieces brought and put together in istanbul, a mass of blue steel, remnants of the old galata bridge dumped and now a venue for arts and crafts fairs...as we approached eyup an entire hill of grey and green- the reknowned eyup cemetery, home for many, with a cobbled stone pathway leading up to pierre loti cafe.
it's strange and freaky to say this but i have visited an awful lot of cemeteries in different regions. and each is very different from the other. the cemetery in london had marble gravestones with sculptures in the shape of pillows and faces. the jewish cemetery in vienna in the backyard of a retirement home was both sad and sarcastic at the same time. graves in edremit were simply forgotten. graveyards in gallipoli were majestic and humbling. and now eyup...up on a hill graves facing the golden horn. a cobblestone path with a surprising number of people had a quality of a scene in venice- people outside a cafe, chairs all facing the water. it felt comfortable. there were gravestones with long epitaphs and ones that just said rest in peace; some had rose bushes, some had weeds, others had been fenced in; some had arrows pointing in the direction of a family grave. there were people posing in front of graves. there were ottoman graves with arabic epitaphs. there were lovers walking hand in hand after having had a cup of apple tea up in the cafe.
interesting place for pierre loti to hang out. with a menu of tea, coffee and ayvalik tost the cafe had no seating available. ayla and i sat up near the souvenir shop. of course i bought postcards with pierre loti looking like lawrence of arabia. after our replenishment break we came down the hill on the teleferik that brought us just yards away from the eyup mosque. i felt pretty good amidst the graves but just outside the mosque i felt really claustrophobic. it was obvious how important this place was with women praying outside near the graves of godly men and boys going for circumcision coming to pray for the safety of their ---. the inside of the mosque was well lit as in not overlit. just not enough ventilation.
i was tired by then. ayla and i decided to slowly head back. we walked through a bazaar selling knick knacks. we came across more ancient graves with cats sitting on them. they were up high watching people go by. eyup has a flavour of old, of the forgotten, and the desire to preserve all that. istanbul continues to woo my curiosty.
1.23.2009
ozge'nin arkadasiyim
ozge farklidir. seni anlamak icin ozge saat kacta uyanirsin, kahvaltida ne yersin, oglen arasi ne yapmayi secersin, is anlasmalari yapmadan once kafandan gecenler nedir, dugun kiyafetini katlayacakmisin yoksa elinde mi tasiyacaksin sorar. kedisiyle tartisir sonra da barisir ve bunun hepsini yaparken gozlerinin icine bakar.
ozge pilates hocasi ayni zamanda. onunla birlikte pilates yaptim ve canim cikti. iyidir. hemen sonra da hamama gittik ve ayaklarimizi inceledik, iste seninki uzunmus benimki genis gibi konusmalar.
ozge'yi cok severim. kendin gibi ol felsefesi beni rahatlatir. ilk tanisitigimda ankara'da tribeca'da ozge'nin onunde macchiato, portakal suyu, cola ve bir tatli vardi. oturduktan sonra da alakasiz seyleri yedi icti. orda zaten ozge'yi kalbime aldim. ozge neyse oydu.
istanbul'a geldigimde elinden geleni yapti yanimda olmak icin. kendisi hafif bulanim gecirirken bana geliyordu ama aslinda benim o siralarda barindigim evlerde. owo'dayken, atolye calismalarinda, banka isimde hep bir araya geliriz. caniiim benim diye sikica sarilir ve uzun boyuyla kucaklamasinin icinde kaybolurum.
birlikte baya dolasmis olduk saka maka. ingiltere'de beraberdik. sonra bodrum'da. ankara'daki hikayelerimizi kapatip simdi istanbuldayiz. hikayelerimiz surekli yenileniyor.
1.22.2009
kaybolmak
isler bu aralar yogun- raporlar, toplantilar ve iletisim bozukluklarla dolu. merkur. cok basit. merkur aramizda subat basina kadar. aksam eve donmek uzere otobusumu gordum ve dolmustu, sofor orta kapiyi acti ve bindim. teyzeler basamaklarda oturuyor, insanlar karanlik gibi, benim bindigim beykoz otobus yuzleri degil...neyse dedim kendine bak irem dedim.
kopruyu gectik. kavacik'a geldik. ve devam ettik. allah allah donmedi ilk saga. gunumu dusunuyorum, butun gun topuklu ayakkabi giymisim biraz agriyor. duz gittigini farkettim birden. 5 dakika durmadi. sordum nereye gidiyor bu otobus? cevabi bile hatirlamiyorum. beykoz demedi. ilk durak neresi sordum. nereye gideceksiniz. aaa sordugum soruya bak cevaba bak. tekrarladim. ilk durak neresi. cekmekoy dedi.
CEKMEKOY???
sakin ol dedi icim. gec cikmisim isten, yorgunum ve bu hafta isten eve gittigim tek gun. sakin ol diyorum kendime. bakiniyorum camdan, gidiyor otobus. sofor'e sorsam oooo taaa onde bende uzun otobusteyim ve dolu. sofore ulasmak imkansiz. kac dakika daha gidecek? 5 dakika. biliyorz buranin 5 dakikasini...
15 dakika gitti. karanlik her yer. isik yok. alt gecitten gectim karanlik. yol yapimi var. topuklu ayakkabi, yorgun bir beyin ve kendisine kizan irem. bak diyorum kendime bloguna yazarsin macerani, istanbul maceran hic bitmez, bak yagmur yagmiyor yoksa baya berbat olurdu, krizde nasil tepki veriyorsun bak diyorum. teselli terapisi. ise yaradi bence.
durakta bekledim. kavacik'a geri gidecegim. bi cocuk ayni otobuse binecekmis. oh be dedim tamam. ama yinede gozlerim disina cikmis, gece kusu gibi bakiniyorum.
otobus 20 dakika sonra geldi. bindim. kavacik'ta kendimi disariya attim. ohhh dolmusum orda deyip eve dogru yolu selamladim. yolda da vay be dedim. eve gidecegim diye cik, yalnis otobuse bin ve 2 saat sonra eve pacavra bir sekilde don.
cekmekoy'e harita da bulmaya calistim. harita disinda kaliyor. ne kadar ilginc degil mi? surekli guvenli hissi uyandirmak icin kendimizi nerde ait hissediyorsak ordayiz. ama aitlik nedir ki? ustumdeki giydigim kiyafet benim hangi ekonomik categoriye aitim, nasil bir tip oldugumu, hangi gruba ait oldugumu belirler.
halbuki hindistandayken aitlik cok farkli bir derecede. aitlik her yerde ne olursan ol. ozledim hindistan'i.
kopruyu gectik. kavacik'a geldik. ve devam ettik. allah allah donmedi ilk saga. gunumu dusunuyorum, butun gun topuklu ayakkabi giymisim biraz agriyor. duz gittigini farkettim birden. 5 dakika durmadi. sordum nereye gidiyor bu otobus? cevabi bile hatirlamiyorum. beykoz demedi. ilk durak neresi sordum. nereye gideceksiniz. aaa sordugum soruya bak cevaba bak. tekrarladim. ilk durak neresi. cekmekoy dedi.
CEKMEKOY???
sakin ol dedi icim. gec cikmisim isten, yorgunum ve bu hafta isten eve gittigim tek gun. sakin ol diyorum kendime. bakiniyorum camdan, gidiyor otobus. sofor'e sorsam oooo taaa onde bende uzun otobusteyim ve dolu. sofore ulasmak imkansiz. kac dakika daha gidecek? 5 dakika. biliyorz buranin 5 dakikasini...
15 dakika gitti. karanlik her yer. isik yok. alt gecitten gectim karanlik. yol yapimi var. topuklu ayakkabi, yorgun bir beyin ve kendisine kizan irem. bak diyorum kendime bloguna yazarsin macerani, istanbul maceran hic bitmez, bak yagmur yagmiyor yoksa baya berbat olurdu, krizde nasil tepki veriyorsun bak diyorum. teselli terapisi. ise yaradi bence.
durakta bekledim. kavacik'a geri gidecegim. bi cocuk ayni otobuse binecekmis. oh be dedim tamam. ama yinede gozlerim disina cikmis, gece kusu gibi bakiniyorum.
otobus 20 dakika sonra geldi. bindim. kavacik'ta kendimi disariya attim. ohhh dolmusum orda deyip eve dogru yolu selamladim. yolda da vay be dedim. eve gidecegim diye cik, yalnis otobuse bin ve 2 saat sonra eve pacavra bir sekilde don.
cekmekoy'e harita da bulmaya calistim. harita disinda kaliyor. ne kadar ilginc degil mi? surekli guvenli hissi uyandirmak icin kendimizi nerde ait hissediyorsak ordayiz. ama aitlik nedir ki? ustumdeki giydigim kiyafet benim hangi ekonomik categoriye aitim, nasil bir tip oldugumu, hangi gruba ait oldugumu belirler.
halbuki hindistandayken aitlik cok farkli bir derecede. aitlik her yerde ne olursan ol. ozledim hindistan'i.
1.21.2009
gunlugumde listeler
her gun yapamiyorum ama listelere bayilan biriyim. gun icinde yasananlarin listelesi, telefondaki iltifatlar (olabiliyor evet), patronumun girgir gectigi konular mesela turk erkekleri ve onlarla calismak ve cay degilde orta sekerli kahve icmesi, rapor yazarken elektrik ve enerji konusunda bilgi edinirken rusya aslinda enerji konusunda zorlandigini okumak, ozgeyle oglen yemeginde onun hayatindaki onemli konular neymis listesini yapmak ve sonra kendi hayatimdaki listeyi gozden gecirmek....oyoyoy. listeler.
dun aksam yoga dersine katildim. bora hocanin hariom yoga studyosunda, degisik bir yerde, farkli bir hocayla birlikte, bir ogrenci olmak cok hostu. bir pranayamadan baska nefese, bir asanadan baska asanaya. otobuste oturuyordum ev donusunde ve dedim bak bu asanayi farkli yapti ordan oraya farkli sekilde gecti, mumdan cikarken ben gaz cikarmadim, kafa durusta daha uzun kaldim, kargada dengem bozuldu listesini yaptim.
listeler. hayatimin ozeti.
dun aksam yoga dersine katildim. bora hocanin hariom yoga studyosunda, degisik bir yerde, farkli bir hocayla birlikte, bir ogrenci olmak cok hostu. bir pranayamadan baska nefese, bir asanadan baska asanaya. otobuste oturuyordum ev donusunde ve dedim bak bu asanayi farkli yapti ordan oraya farkli sekilde gecti, mumdan cikarken ben gaz cikarmadim, kafa durusta daha uzun kaldim, kargada dengem bozuldu listesini yaptim.
listeler. hayatimin ozeti.
1.19.2009
yeni yil sembolu hayatimda yok
yeni yil heyecani diye bir duygum yok artik. bu yil bunu fark ettim. yeni yilim aslinda her yeni kararda hayatimda ciddi degisiklik oldugu zaman yilim baslamis oluyor. bazen dokumanlarda 2008 olarak imzaliyorum. ne ki zaman? gozumun tam kenarinda yeni cok hos bir cizgi farkettim. herhalde istanbul'un vucudumda biraktigi iz. iz olmayan yer tek col var. bir arkadasim cole gitti ve bosaldigini hissettmis. iste yeni yilda da oyle bir his olmali ki 31 aralik'ta oyle birsey olmasi hayatimdan cikmistir. benim yilim artik donem oldu. yeni donemlerim her 10 ayda bir olabiliyor. yasamima donemsel baktigim zaman cok daha akici ve butun gibi geliyor.
yeni donemim kasim'da basladi. birseyler oturuyor, tercihler saglamlasiyor ve arada esnek olmaya calisyorum. hadi bakalim.
yeni donemim kasim'da basladi. birseyler oturuyor, tercihler saglamlasiyor ve arada esnek olmaya calisyorum. hadi bakalim.
Kaydol:
Kayıtlar (Atom)